I need to disappear

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by BornFree, Mar 2, 2011.

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  1. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    no words... at my lowest... does ANYBODY care? No, I have hurt and chased everyone away. Everyone hates me for their own valid reasons... I know their feelings are valid, but still don't understand why...
    I retreat from people when I am at my lowest and don't want to trigger them, say something wrong, make things worse... and then I make things worse by retreating! So I am damned if I do and damned if I don't... then they think I don't care because I retreat!!!
    God I am a fucked up mess... can't stop shaking, crying and SF was my last place of safety, my last refuge where I could perhaps find acceptance, understanding! Now I can't even be here anymore cause I hurt people just by being on here.
    I don't have the freedom to drown my sorrows, to walk away... I'm trapped in this living hell up at 6am everday plastering a smile on my face, faking everything so that social services don't take my kids away... terrified that I'll ruin their lives too!
    I am so sorry to everyone I can't be here and if I have hurt you... words are not enough to say how sorry I am... I came here to SF cause I am fucked up and need help and now I need to leave. Sorry.
     
  2. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    OH MY GOD! I swear to you I have ONLY JUST seen this post!! That is so weird.

    Missy, you need to stop this self hatred that you have. I know it's hard, but I promise, no one here sees you in the same light that you see yourself. Because it isn't true.

    SF users are ALL here because they are struggling, you included, and we all understand that. You can't be there for everyone when it feels your whole world is crashing down on you. You can't because it's not possible. And personally, I would rather you focus on getting yourself better,and looking after yourself, when times get this difficult.

    I hope you know that I care, LOADS about you, and how you are, and I have been just as guilty as you at not keeping in contact, for reasons that you know. But that does not mean I ever stopped caring, I hold you very close to my heart. And the people that hate you, whoever they may be? Fuck them. You deserve SO much more. If they take issue with you, that's THEIR problem, because you are one of the nicest people I have ever met.

    I know you tend to retreat when times get tough, and that is fine... IF it works for you. If it doesn't.. we need to look at new ways of coping. I'm right here, and I want to help you as much as I can. Because you matter to me, and i loves ya. Don't let ANYONE drive you away from SF, I have seen the support you offer to people, and have been on the receiving end of your support too, and you DO make a difference here. You ARE accepted, and even though you may not see it now, people really do care about you.

    Please don't leave, honey. Please don't walk away from here when I know that you need this. You need this support. And you DO deserve it. We both worry about upsetting people.. how often have we had this conversation, before coming to the realisation that we are both waayyyyy too paranoid for our own good?! I'm here for you hon, as is everyone else here.

    Big HUGE love and hugs for you, always

    Meeeeeeee xxxxxxxx :hug: :wub: :cheekkiss: :wub:
     
  3. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    hi ditsy lost has pretty much said it all
    its ok to retreat from people if that helps,im sure you dont need to apologise for any hurt
    i hope you continue to use sf as your place of safety
    i understand you wanting to leave you dont need to be here to help others be here to help you,you are the important one right now ok
    take care and just know we all care xx
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi YOU i am here if you want okay don't feel like you ever need to leave. We all care for each other here and understand when one needs to retreat a bit.
    No judgement at all here okay just care. Please reach out when you are so low hugs to you :hugtackles::cheekkiss:hug::flowers:
     
  5. black_rose_99

    black_rose_99 Well-Known Member

    Hi Ditsy,

    We're not especially close, but I have noticed and appreciate the support you give not just to me, but to others on the form as well. I think the others are right - retreat if you need to, give yourself some headspace, but don't EVER think that you are too fucked up to be here and to give and receive your own support when you need it too. Take care of YOU first and foremost.

    Sending strength
    xx
     
  6. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Please don't disappear xxxxx
     
  7. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Urrgghh Sorry for that emotional vomit!
    Thank you so much for the support! xxx

    I am just tired so tired, tired of everything... tired of the physical pain... just once I'd like to wake up without a headache, to laugh and not feel my head will burst. To stand for a bit and not be wracked with searing pain.
    Then there's all the guilt of knowing I have passed on this bloody disease to my kids and I have to live with the fact that when they understand where it came from they're gonna hate me too.
    Now I have to stand by and watch my son suffer when he goes for neurosurgery in the summer.
    And then there's the autism... where on earth did that come from.. and not one but 2 children! all that and some with my depression. I so wish I could snap out of it and pull myself together. With my attempt and all I have totally wrecked my course... my one light at the end of the tunnel! I haven't told them... I know i should have but I just couldn't... I put it off so long its now way way too late! Final 3rd assignment due mid March and I haven't even handed in Assignment 1 and 2

    Urrgghh I am "vomiting" again sorry!
    I love my kids but Man I so don't like living...
     
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    ditsy you sound so overwhelmed...
    the first few lines of your first post could've been written by me
    all good advice from everyone else
    you have a place here among friends and we want to help and support you
    :pinkrose:
     
  9. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    how you doing ditsy?
     
  10. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    :hug::hug::hug:

    :blub::blub::blub:
     
  11. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Months worth of meds have arrived, at 39yrs old 36 tablets a day just seems excessive... am I really worth the effort, I think not.
    OH GOD I HATE THIS... Never felt so trapped!
     
  12. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    you are so worth the effort
    sorry you feel trapped xx:console:
     
  13. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I care:hug:
     
  14. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    :console::hug::wub:
    you are worth the effort..stay with us..
     
  15. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Thank you sooo..ooo..oo..ooo much to everyone, the meds are still there and I am still really struggling, but read through all the posts again and I can't tell you how it helps knowing someone somewhere cares... you guys are awesome! Thank you xxxxxxx

    From being discharged from Crisis Team to nothing... while I wait for Care co-ordinator has been hard, suddenly realizing that I need to take responsibility for myself that no one is gonna do this thing called life for me... and there is no quick fix and nothing is gonna stop this God awful pain...
    I read somewhere someone said they're stuck in purgatory and they're so right.
    I wish I knew the way forward!
     
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