i need to do something. and i need to do something now.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by fading, Mar 30, 2008.

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  1. fading

    fading Guest

    i cant take this anymore. sorry if none of this makes sense, im pretty much typing as i think. for the past like 4 years ive had this horrible anxiety issue, and no one believes me. they just think im the type of person who wants to live their life lonely and without friends. thanks to this anxiety, ive been in and out of 2 group homes, i have 'the system' or better known as children & youth services (the people that take kids out of their homes, usually abused ones), and if i dont turn around within the next 3 days theyre gonna ship my ass to juve. i cant, i wont, i REFUSE to do this again. they just do not understand that i am afraid of people! they dont give a flying fuck about how i feel, they dont take the time to understand why i dont goto school. when i try to tell someone, all i get is the usual "well if you feel something then go talk to the guidance counselor". i've tried this, it doesnt work, no one cares. im at the end of my rope here, im done talking to people who dont want to listen, im sick of hurting my family. i feel like maybe if i leave no one will have anything to worry about anymore. the burden is gone. my family just thinks that its normal teen rebellion, and that id rather sit at home in my room all day than be a normal 15 year old. oh how clueless they are. id do anything, ANYTHING, to live and breathe and just feel like a normal person. ive tried SO hard to get outside, try and deal with the fact that there are people in the world other than me, and no matter what the hell i think, how the hell i feel or how much i cry about it there will always be other people. im seeing a psychiatrist and im currently on atvian and celexa, but the shit doesnt work, of course. yes, im not going to lie, part of it is the fact that i do dislike school, but im being threatened to be sent away for a very long time and possibly NOT coming back home. which means i'll goto some foster care or independent living until i turn 18.
    i cant leave my family like this. i just cant. ive asked for homeschooling, cyber school, a tutor or getting my work sent home for me, and all theyve said is that they refuse to feed into my negativity because theyre just "enabling me" to do what i do, and if they feed in that i will expect this when all negative situations come up. this is so frustrating. i have a feeling this is my last weekend home. my last weekend alive, possibly. i cant go on living like this. and i also refuse to be warehoused somewhere until im 18 over something that i cannot help. ive lost everything due to my fear of people, everything. my friends, my family hates me. home doesnt feel like home anymore. i just feel like im kind of in a hotel, waiting here until whatever. the price; having my little sister cry because she believes that i dont care about her. my mom, she's just given up, shes ready for the cops to drag my failure ass out her house. shes tried to help, shes cried, but she can only cry so much. shes done. my dad, i'm going to let him down so much. i treat this man like crap and he still manages to call my caseworkers and my school reps and beg for more time. he is one person who is truely in my corner. i love him, i'd stay alive for him if i could, but i refuse to live like this any longer. there is no solution. no one cares. i cant simply walk into school tommorow like everything is okay, i dont wanna be looked at like some kind of alien because i dont look familliar. those emotional support classes dont help, because what happens when the bell rings? Theres 650 kids going to class along with me, and i freak out, and find myself running out the backdoor and into the woods and staying there with the animals until 2:45 when i can go home and lie ot my mom and tell her i went to school.
    i cant live like this, no one deserves this, NO ONE.
    i dont want to die, i dont! theres so much id like to accomplish, itd be amazing to graduate from high school, id love to see my sister goto prom, do something nice with her life, id love to live life like a normal teenager, but i just cant. its impossible. i try everyday, i try so hard to goto school, but i cant. its sad that something this preventable is gonna take my life within the next week. very sad. its even sadder that the bastards who were put on my case to "care" and shit will just assume that its because of my meds.
    stupid fucks. its not like i hear voices, which is what some people assume when you're "suicidal", its not impulsive ethier. its MY CHOICE, not a chemical reaction. it can be prevented, if i want it to be. but what keeps me going on my plan is the fact that in a few weeks when im dead and gone, no one will remember me, theyre lives will be 200% better than they were when i was here. and im fine with that. i just wish there was another solution, :( the more i think about it , the closer it comes, the fact that 24 hours from now my case worker will be calling telling me to pack my bags and be ready in an hour, and when she comes and realizes she wont be taking me to that group home like she planned, that, that's what keeps me going.
    i just dont know what to do anymore :(
    i know this isnt it though.
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hun I'm so sorry that you have so much going on in your life and you are so alone and trying to deal with it all. And the depression only makes things worse. It will continue to show you only the negative things around you. Maybe it's time you tried calling a crisis line and seeing about getting into a hospital. You are somebody worth the effort. You deserve to be in a place where you can just get a break from all this crap and concentrate on you!!! And possible get the help you need to start overcoming the anxiety and panic of being with others. And sweetie as much as you like to think everyone will be better off without you, that's not going to happen. Your siucide will strongly affect your family hun. I'm not trying to guilt you into stopping your plan. But if you cant find it in you to stop for yourself, then think of your dad. Think of your sister trying to enjoy her grad without you. Hun, you need to keep yourself safe as much as for you as your family. Please reconsider. Make that call first and do something that is really for you!!!
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It sounds like you are not being 'heard'...do you talk to a counsellor or a therapist? maybe you can talk to someone here either by PM or in chat to get a dialogue so that you are heard and affirmed...sorry things are so rough for you now and plez PM me if I can help...big hugs, J
     
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