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I need to end it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by iKarma, Jul 27, 2009.

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  1. iKarma

    iKarma Well-Known Member

    Well. Where do I begin? I guess I should start with a quick background. Basically I have been diagnosed OCD with Hallucinations, and Major Depressive. I spent the month of April in the psych ward, and lied to get out. Month of May I was a wreck. Then spent the month of June back in the psych ward. I have been put on 5 medications. Ativan, Clonidine, Luvox, Trazodone, and Zeldox. I consume about 15 pills a day. And I hate taking the medication. Recently I stopped taking all the medication except the Zeldox, which is my antipsychotic. I am grateful that I am no longer suffering through hallucinations. But my depression has gotten worse, my cutting has gotten worse and I can barely sleep.

    So I am at a point now, where I don't want to continue living. Suicide has been a thought process of mine everyday for the last 7 years. For the past 7 years I have been numb, and faked emotion so others wouldn't worry about me. I am tired of living a lie. Every day I wake up, and say to myself "Another day of hell". I am numb to emotion, I feel nothing as the day progresses. I am tired of feeling this way. Suicide to me is a logical concept, and I will complete it on August 1st.

    I have spoken with my Therapist and Psychiatrists and they know how I am. Yet they can only see me in September. Oh well. I don't except anyone to care. I have noone that does care. My family doesn't care. I hate interacting on a daily basis with them. I often joke that when I do kill myself they probably won't notice for like a week or so.

    Anyway I just wanted to get that out there. Not like I have anyone to tell this to that I trust. I don't even know why I bother waiting until August 1st, what is the difference between tonight and then? I came close today, had the knife to my throat, but decided to cut my arm instead. I guess this brings me to 120 cuts in the past 72 hours. Yay me! I look at my body and I look hideous, I say fuck it. What is the point in living? Everyday is painful.
  2. BriGuy

    BriGuy Antiquities Friend

    :hug: :hugtackles:

    You are awesome... you don't need to end anything except the pain, and you can do that AND live!! You have people who care... whether you know it or accept it or not... please don't do it!! Please stay and be my friend and it CAN get better... you just need to keep fighting!!
  3. OsherNosher

    OsherNosher Member

    Hii Karma,
    please read it man,
    I think you had a lot of bad times, maybe you're whole life were totally fucked up, but even though you think your family don't care, I really think they care, maybe they don't know how to show emotions or they taught to think that it's no good to show emotions but I think people like you are rare and should be alive.

    you need to tell people the story of your every day confrontation, maybe your first 20 years in life were awful, but what about if your 50 next years will be awesome?
  4. iKarma

    iKarma Well-Known Member

    Hey, I can tell you that my family doesn't care.

    My Dad, laughed when he heard I was hallucinating and cutting.

    My Mom, is a doctor, you would think she would understand mental health but no.

    My Sister, tells me to kill myself, and cut deeper and more.

    And my life has been generally good. I was bullied from like Grade 7-9. Aside from that it has been good. I travel a lot, play sports, lots of friends, etc. In the end it doesn't matter.
  5. OsherNosher

    OsherNosher Member

    travel a lot, play sports, lots of friends... seems like fun :)... so it have to be something els that bother you so much, what is it?
  6. iKarma

    iKarma Well-Known Member

    Not much bothers me. Except that I cut, and I am on medication for life. Like I said I am tired of living a lie, tired of pretending to be ok.
  7. OsherNosher

    OsherNosher Member

    I see, man that's tough no doubt,
    cutting is something you can control sometimes? maybe you can change cutting to go out and play ball or painting or making music or something else, I know it sounds strange and not realistic, but people get addicted to all type of shit, you're just like other people, but your addiction harms you- try to drew your addiction/obsess to some other shit, check this video: obviously this dude is kinda sick person, but he turn it into a good thing:

    tell me what you think about that
  8. iKarma

    iKarma Well-Known Member

    I could list you the things I have tried to stop myself from cutting. And I would say I am addicted to cutting. Here is a list of things I have tried to cope with, or prevent myself from cutting. They never stop the urges.

    -- Working out
    -- Sports
    -- Playing my bass guitar
    -- hanging with friends
    -- volunteering
    -- learning a language
    -- therapy
    -- hypnotism
    -- Playing drums

    Those are a few. I have given up on trying to find new things, becuase nothing ever works. It is clear I am meant to kill myself.
  9. OsherNosher

    OsherNosher Member

    is there anything in the world that makes you feel really good even just for few seconds?
  10. iKarma

    iKarma Well-Known Member

  11. melatonin4000

    melatonin4000 Account Closed

    what about something that isn't cutting?
  12. iKarma

    iKarma Well-Known Member

    If you can recommend it, I have probably tried it. It all works the same way, it either doesn't stop the urge, the urge keeps building. Or it works for a bit, but eventually stops working.
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Cutting is a coping skill one that releases the pain you hide. I think you would have to be very strong to keep going like this and to give others help as well.
    The meds you were on would help to stop the obsessive cutting maybe try a different med that doesn't make you feel so numb. Im one to talk i stopped my meds too because i couldn't feel anything. Now you are feeling again you have to find a way to cope differently It is very hard but people have stopped the self abuse I hope you can try a different medication just for this and stay on your antipsychotic as well That is only 2 meds to keep you safe and happy. Please keep trying you have hung in this long stay here with the guys on this forum we will give you strength when youdon't have any. Hang in okay
  14. iKarma

    iKarma Well-Known Member

    I am not really cutting to release pain. These are the reasons why I cut:
    1) I cut because I have been numb for 7 years :(. I just want to feel something. Cutting does that.
    2) I look at my scars, and say fuck it. And cut because I hate myself.

    I have tried medications, but nothing seems to work. So I am tired of this all. I am only taking my anti-psychotic because it is the only medication I have ever had that has worked for one my issues. I don't know what to do.

    I can't see my psychiatrist until September 11th, or my therapist until September 1st. I am not waiting that long :(
  15. 1izombie

    1izombie Well-Known Member

    Dude man ..ur stronger than u think u r ...there have been days where u didnt cut....idk there is hope...ur docs will be able to help u u just have to give them a chance...for ur sake I hope u give them a chance...
  16. iKarma

    iKarma Well-Known Member

    2 days left, starting to feel relieved. Although that is normal...
  17. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy


    You are a lot stronger then you think. Look at everything, and how you survived! This is so cliche, but what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I think you are a great guy and enjoy talking to you. You know where to find me.

  18. BriGuy

    BriGuy Antiquities Friend

    I second... well 3rd... those comments... you ARE stronger than you think... and I HOPE HOPE HOPE you are here much LONGER than 2 days!! I will be SO SAD if I lose another good friend!! :cry: I KNOW you can get better and I KNOW things will improve for you, because you are SO awesome and you DO DESERVE better... somehow it WILL happen, if you give it a chance! Please don't go through with it!! Even if you want to do it Aug 1... make it Aug 1... 2075... or later even!! Give it a FEW MORE years... like 60 or 70 more years!! :tongue:
    :console: :hug: :hugtackles:

  19. iKarma

    iKarma Well-Known Member

    I wish I could say that this helped me :( But I still feel the same. I know you guys care about me. But I am just so damn tired of faking my emotions for the past 7 years, tired that I no longer feel anything except when I cut. I just want to end it and move on. Death is all I deserve, and all I want.
  20. BriGuy

    BriGuy Antiquities Friend

    Wrong... you only THINK it's what you deserve because of the depression, when in fact you deserve SO MUCH more... LIFE and HAPPINESS! :hug:

    I know that doesn't change things for you... but I wish you could SEE how AWESOME you are!! And how much you DESERVE GREAT THINGS!

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