I need to feel a connection

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Anonymous Dude, Apr 22, 2009.

  1. Anonymous Dude

    Anonymous Dude Well-Known Member

    I rarely visit these boards unless I am of the lowest of the low. I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything, like people are just talking bodies. As if they have no lives at all....everything is so impersonal and yet I am emotional with tears down my face. The human factor is so complex and scary to me. My family keeps calling but the only answer they get is from a machine unless I muster up whatever courage I can find in that moment. Their lives are a burden unto me yet I see them and talk to them inconsistently. It's like it takes too much effort just to be me, just to go outside, just to do everyday things, just to travel.

    I'm afraid to live because I am afraid to die and death is so inevitable, it feels so close and unknown. I don't want to lose my life to my own hands at this point in my life but all I do is wonder what to do with it and why.

    All these concepts around us seem so big and I am so small and I have to ask myself why bother to do one thing and not the other, why do I feel so sad at this moment....why...why...why at everything. I fear I will never get answers to the questions I want asked and it drives me into frustration and sadness. Sometimes i just want to hear a pulse of another to see if they too experience the things I do. I know the answer is yes but it feels like a no and that's why I made this post. I don't know what you're going to say and why you say it and that uncertainty again frustrates me. If I could stop over analyzing and complicating things to find hidden motivations I would but it is so hard just to calm down and stop pacing around
  2. darkrider

    darkrider Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to say except I feel the same. Disconected from life as if nothing is real. I could be gone tomorrow and only a handful of people will ever know, because i'm a recluse. I'm always paranoid that i'm not worthy like everyone else.
  3. Anonymous Dude

    Anonymous Dude Well-Known Member

    This echos my past greatly and describes my present in a lesser way (I am dropping the insecure and paranoid delusions a day at a time), thank you for your response.

    I have sort of a funny story (not really) that might comfort/help you or lead you to to some conclusions, it's true. I went to the dentist the other day and there was a very attractive blonde dental assistant. In the waiting room I admired her beauty from my chair as she dashed back and forth helping patients. I then sat through some intense teeth related stuff all at the time nervous in front of such a beautiful woman, yet when I stood up afterword I towered over her. When her back was turned I felt a sense of equality even though it hurt to look her in the eyes and it really helped me throughout the day. These little personal victories are what keeps me going man

    It's so easy to be in an emotionless bliss yet tempting to be vulnerable to others
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 22, 2009
  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    In life people find things that are valuable to them, they go down certain paths cuz to them it's worth fighting for and it's what they would like.
    Here's a question: Are you constantly or mostly thinking about things through the day such as the things you have posted about?
  5. Anonymous Dude

    Anonymous Dude Well-Known Member

    Yes. I question my own motivations and spend too much time mulling it over to actually take a path I want, it's really hard to make simple household decisions sometimes and I find myself forgetting daily things because i'm too wrapped up in what ifs and what will be and in concepts that could make me happy or fulfilled. I am so obsessive it's hard to just sit in a waiting room for example without feeling like my head will explode in any minute. My own thoughts are driving me insane so slowly and my own self annoys me constantly

    I look for value and then I question if it's worthy of my precious time but I waste the most time not doing anything at all and that is what frustrates me the most. I have no focus at all at the moment and it makes me obsess. It feels like family members don't mean a thing to me and I feel like it should disturb me but it doesn't. Just everything outside of my house makes me anxious (unless I try really hard to not let it get to me) and that drives me crazy. I couldn't even go to high school so now I have home studies

    Thank you for your response