4 years ago I fell in love with a person Iv'e never even seen in real life. I wasn't particularly lonely back then. I lived pretty far from other people, but I did meet with others everyday at the school so I had my cup of socializing. Mostly my days were like this: wake up, go to school, get home, computer until midnight, repeat. Even so, I was already somewhat depressed back then and I would often weep myself to sleep. I knew something was missing from my life. Maybe it was a direction? Then I found her. One girl, from the depths of internet. She was intelligent, she was amazing, a person I greatly looked up upon. I had a crush on her. 4 years later I'm not even sure if I love her.. more like dislike. We get in debates a lot and I tend to spot stupid mistakes in her logic. It's as if I've either grown up or her intelligence has dropped two levels. She makes me damn frustrated sometimes with her irrational and close-minded comments. She doesn't even have proper arguments sometimes and it pisses me off.. and then I realize what kind of monster Iv'e become. I'm a mess and I want to kill myself. Little background: I'm a pathological liar. (Since I was 8, I might have told over 25,000 lies.) I'm manipulative. (I use people for my own advantage. I've also been wondering if it'd be possible to use this "ability" to brainwash myself to become better person.) Friendzoned for 4 years. Computer addict. Studying philosophy. (I want to become a Maester of Philosophy.) Possibly bipolar. (I have weird mood swings.) Possibly sociopath. (I know it's wrong to lie, yet I still lie. However, I'm completely capable of feeling empathy, etc.) If I could just forget that one certain person or somehow get over her, it could be a big step towards being a better, more caring and kind person. I don't want pity, I just wanted to write something cause I'm feeling like a piece of shit.