i need to get the fuck out of here

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by darkeyes, Jan 22, 2009.

  1. darkeyes

    darkeyes Well-Known Member

    i'm so completely fucking trapped. i can't leave my house and the familiar surroundings are making me physically ill. i've been here my whole 18 years of life and it's like i'm 12. i can't leave because i can't drive and i'm too paranoid and anxious to walk anywhere. it's just torture. all i can think about is just running as far as i can or jumping in the car even though i can't fucking drive and just leave. i can't be around my family anymore, they're just as sick in the head as i am and it's like a cloud of fucking despair hangs over this house. i wish i didn't hate people so much so i could actually have a friend who's flaws i didn't pick apart until i hate them and ignore them. i wish my mother hadn't taught me to fear everything. i wish she hadn't told me all my childhood years that if i left her side something awful would happen to me and i wish i hadn't fucking listened to her. i feel like she took my life from me. she made me hate everything and isolate myself just like she did. and i fucking hate her for it. and i know i'm a horrible person for feeling this way but why did she have kids just so they would turn out depressed, friendless and housebound like her? At least I'll do the world a favor and not procreate my own suicidal children. and it's like she wants me to stay here forever so she won't ever have to be alone.

    how do i get out of here? i feel like the end is going to come soon if i can't get away from these people and away from this town. the fact that the simple task of leaving my home is an impossibility is so depressing.

    i used to be okay with my isolation, i would completely delude myself into thinking i was someone else, somewhere else, having a laugh, talking to invisible people and living my fantasies out alone in my bedroom but my mind doesn't buy it anymore, it knows that i'm completely alone and desperate and taunts me with it reminding me every minute that i have absolutely nothing to hold on to. Things that once kept me sane have become useless. Nothing makes me laugh, nothing makes me feel anything but nauseated. and this house just makes me want to die.

    i wish i had someone to break me out of here.
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Not true at all. No one is a horrible person for the way they feel. You are not a horrible person.

    The outside world is not scary. With 18 years of that ingrained in you I would imagine it would be a hard belief to discard. Even without it ingrained by parents, it is ingrained by the media. But life doesn't have to be scary. Take little steps. Or throw yourself out there. Do what you think is best for you.

    lots of love :heart: :hug: