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I need to get this off my chest

#1
I'm very confused about my experience, I feel alone and need some support. I've kept this to myself for a year and I can't anymore.

Last year, I had met this guy, lets call him bob. I met bob through a mutual friend. I had been meeting up with bob for a couple of weeks. We had kissed and I had stayed around his house a couple of times, I had slept in his bed but nothing sexual had happened. We had been out drinking with a group of friends. Bob, his friend and I had gone back to his house to carry on drinking after everyone else had gone home. I had more drinks while bob and his friend took drugs.

I was fairly drunk by this time. Bob had suggested I go and lay down upstairs. I was secretly relived because I was getting tired of socialising and was sleepy.
I went upstairs and fell asleep on his bed. I woke up an hour or so later, as he was walking into the room. I needed something to eat so I ate it something then we got into bed to sleep.

He was laying next to me and started pulling down my knickers. I pulled them back up and told him to stop. This happened again maybe 2 or 3 times. He ignored my protests, until I gave up protesting. He was relentless. He touched me and then penetrated me without a condom.

I need someone to tell me that I'm not over reacting or over sensitive and what happened here was wrong? What was this… was it rape or coercion?
 
#2
I've had a somewhat similar situation. On a couple different occasions my ex definitely pressured me to have sex when I didn't want to. Sometimes I didn't feel like continuing to say no, so I just had sex with him. I had confronted him about this and this is one of the main things that lead to our eventual breakup. I'd like you to remember that you are not being over sensitive. From my perspective, it seems like what that guy did clearly made you feel like shit and he pressured you to do things that you didn't want to do. Whether you consider what happened to be rape on coersion, this guy had violated your boundaries. I am truly sorry for what happened to you, it really sucks when people take you for granted...
 
#5
Hi @ElsieCaitlin. Welcome to the forums. You didn't deserve what happened to you in the slightest and what "Bob" did to you was abhorrent.

I'm no legal expert but I believe, presuming you are in an OECD or similar country (I can't speak on the law in areas such as the Middle East) what he did to you would constitute rape. You have to consent (not just not resist) to sexual intercourse and you have the right to withdraw consent at any time you wish. You are not overreacting - what happened to you was terrible and wrong and in no way your fault.

If you need support in the future with moving past what happened to you, SF will be here for you. You could always seek help from a professional like a therapist if you needed to. On another note, if you were penetrated without barrier contraception, it may be prudent to go and get an STI test for your own safety. Often STIs - especially the more serious ones - can be treated better the sooner they are caught, but this is your choice.

I hope you can feel better soon. Sending hugs *hug10.
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
Staff member
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Supporter
#6
Hi and welcome to SF.
I'm sorry you had this happen to you. No, that's not coercion. What he did was definitely wrong and you tried to express that at the time. Unfortunately since it was so long ago, I feel like any physical evidence of this happening is gone but that shouldn't deter you from possibly contacting police if you have the information about him. I don't think they can do anything at this point but no one should keep you from contacting them if you'd like to.
Sadly this stuff happens to women all the time and doesn't get reported so you're not alone in your experience. I think you could use a few sessions of therapy in person if you can afford it since it's been a year and you're still really thinking a lot about it. There are also loads of online groups specific to this and hotlines you can call as well.
 

toomuchreality

Well-Known Member
#8
Oh my dear Elsie *sadhug
Yes this was rape, I'm so sorry this happened. I had the same thing happen to me, I'm not comparing my hurt over it to yours, just
offering you some empathy. Its a traumatizing thing to happen. I hope you can afford to get counselling or a therapist.
There is no shame in asking for help. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm here often if you want to talk...
 
#10
Hi @ElsieCaitlin. Welcome to the forums. You didn't deserve what happened to you in the slightest and what "Bob" did to you was abhorrent.

I'm no legal expert but I believe, presuming you are in an OECD or similar country (I can't speak on the law in areas such as the Middle East) what he did to you would constitute rape. You have to consent (not just not resist) to sexual intercourse and you have the right to withdraw consent at any time you wish. You are not overreacting - what happened to you was terrible and wrong and in no way your fault.

If you need support in the future with moving past what happened to you, SF will be here for you. You could always seek help from a professional like a therapist if you needed to. On another note, if you were penetrated without barrier contraception, it may be prudent to go and get an STI test for your own safety. Often STIs - especially the more serious ones - can be treated better the sooner they are caught, but this is your choice.

I hope you can feel better soon. Sending hugs *hug10.
Thank you so much.
 
#11
Oh my dear Elsie *sadhug
Yes this was rape, I'm so sorry this happened. I had the same thing happen to me, I'm not comparing my hurt over it to yours, just
offering you some empathy. Its a traumatizing thing to happen. I hope you can afford to get counselling or a therapist.
There is no shame in asking for help. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm here often if you want to talk...
Thank you for your support. I am looking into therapy as an option for moving forward. Did you use anything similar to help you?
 
#13
Hi and welcome to SF.
I'm sorry you had this happen to you. No, that's not coercion. What he did was definitely wrong and you tried to express that at the time. Unfortunately since it was so long ago, I feel like any physical evidence of this happening is gone but that shouldn't deter you from possibly contacting police if you have the information about him. I don't think they can do anything at this point but no one should keep you from contacting them if you'd like to.
Sadly this stuff happens to women all the time and doesn't get reported so you're not alone in your experience. I think you could use a few sessions of therapy in person if you can afford it since it's been a year and you're still really thinking a lot about it. There are also loads of online groups specific to this and hotlines you can call as well.
Thank you for this. It makes me so sad to learn this is common, and happens to lots of women and girls. I don't see any value in contacting the police at this point....
 
#14
@ElsieCaitlin , what happened to you was definitely wrong and no, you're not over reacting. What happened was non-consensual, just as @randomname1000 has stated, he violated your boundaries by repeatedly ignoring your requests for him to back off. I'm so sorry you had to experience this.
Thanks, I really appreciate the support and I'm feeling so relieved that you and others on here have validated what happened so thank you
 
#16
I've had a somewhat similar situation. On a couple different occasions my ex definitely pressured me to have sex when I didn't want to. Sometimes I didn't feel like continuing to say no, so I just had sex with him. I had confronted him about this and this is one of the main things that lead to our eventual breakup. I'd like you to remember that you are not being over sensitive. From my perspective, it seems like what that guy did clearly made you feel like shit and he pressured you to do things that you didn't want to do. Whether you consider what happened to be rape on coersion, this guy had violated your boundaries. I am truly sorry for what happened to you, it really sucks when people take you for granted...
Thank you and I'm sorry you have had to experience similar too.
 

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