I need to get through tonight and tomorrow

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by shazzer, Sep 30, 2008.

  1. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    The clocks ticking tomorrow I have to go and sit in the oncologists room and hear the latest scan results for my mum. I've been there so any times getting results I should be used to it but I'm not every time you go its like taking another bit of my mum away. we both sit in the waiting room till we get called in none of us speak I don't think we know what to say to each other we just think our own thoughts. I want tomorrow to come to get it over with but then I don't as I can't deal with it, its too much. I just want it all over.
    I just can't stop crying too much stuff going round and round in my head. I need to sleep but I just know I won't get any sleep tonight the thughts will stop me. I am just so so low thoughts of suicide going round but I know I won't do anything tonight. I would be no use to my mum if I'm dead or in hospital with an overdose but tomorrow I really don't know. I wouldn't mind so much if other members of the family gave a dam or went wth her to appointments but no its always me as noone else gives a dam about her or me. Not that I mind for one second about going to appointments as I alway have gone and always will do but it would just be nice sometimes if someone else cared enough to go then I wouldn't feel it was all on me.
    I am scared so bloody scared of the results and I know if its really bad news I am going to lose it big time and I don't want to do that. I need to find some strenght right now to face tomorrow with my mum and right now I have no idea where that strength is going to come from as I feel anything but strong
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I hope that your mom's cancer test goes ok Sharon. But if its her time to go, then you have to find the strength to let her go. You have to be strong, for yourself and for her. :hug:
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Shazz I know how you feel. I go through the same thing and without the love of someone to be there with me. So you being there means the world to your Mom, trust me. And I'm sure no matter what the results tomorrow, just having you there will be such a huge support for her. As for yourself hun, try and take some of the love and support that is offered here. I know it's not the same as having someone in person, but atleast it is something. I know when I come home from my appointments I usually end up here or in chat to to be near my friends and people that I know really care. If I could I'd give you the biggest hug I could muster and one for your Mom too!! Please I'm here if you need or want to talk about it Shazz!!!
  4. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    I'm sorry about your Mom's health problem and that it seems only you care. If that is the case that is terrible but you know we here care. I hope you get some good sleep and that strength finds you. I'm hoping the results are promising tomorrow.

  5. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    Thanks Dave, Itmahanh and Bluegrey for your replies. I haven't been on here for a couple of weeks. I went with my mum to her appoinment on the 1st october for the scan results. The scan she had earlier in the year showed although the cancer was there it hadn't grown since the previous scan. But this latest scan has shown that the cancers starting to grow again which I think we was expecting as she hasn't felt that good for some time. No treatment has been offered at the moment its a case of seeing how things go. She has to have another scan in 2 months time and review things then. In the meantime if she worried about anything the oncologist has said to get in touch with the hospital. She's pretty down about it all as you can imagine she's gone through a hell of a lot.
    I've been finding it really hard to deal with my moods have been so low that I haven't felt like coming on here or talking to anyone. I am trying so hard to be strong for her but its so bloody hard. Its hard seeing her feeling down and that brings me down even further. But its hardly surprising when she's got this bloody horrible disease taking over her life. She goes to our local hosice once a week for day care which she really enjoys and gets her out of the house. Its just hard thinking is this her last christmas not that I like christmas but she always had. You can't plan for things too far in the future as you don't know whether she'll still be here. You hve no control over whats happening the cancers got the bloody control. I hate cancer and all its done and know it hasn't finished yet it won't be happy till it takes her. I cry till I think I can' have any tears left but they still flow and I can't stop. I'm sick of crying. I wish I could go back to before all this started but know thats impossible not that I was happy then I've always been depressed. Sorry I'm rambling on not sure I'm making any sense at all. Thank you for listening
  6. I so wish I knew what to say. But all I can do is stare blankly at the screen, and feel your pain & fury, and impossible dilemmas. And recall all the hell I went through with my own mom in the last 10 years. There ain't any words for that...

    But if right now, I could hug you and cry (and berloody SCREAM at the universe) with you...I would. In a heartbeat.
  7. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    Thank you Found and lost and don't worry about not knowing what to say. Sometimes there's just no words but thank you for replying anyway. I am sorry for all that you went through with your mum too it must have been an absolute hell :hug:
  8. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. It's tough. (I've been there. If I could do it over, I'd have had more time to just "be" with my mother.)

    My two cents to you:

    Do as you're doing - love your mom and be there for her. And "live" - both of you. Life is a series of ups and downs - "living" is how we ride the waves. And think positively - it is possible she could beat this disease! However things turn out, being as positive as you can be now makes for better memories than living in a hell of anxiety will.

    You're in my thoughts.

  9. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    Thank you Acy I spend a lot of time at my mums just been there with her apart from that there's not a lot else I can do. Its just waiting and the unknown is scary but I can't change whats happening justot to make the most of the time we've got.
    I'm sorry you went through the same with your mum too
    take care :hug: