I need to leave my boyfriend.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Not.Your.Fairytail, Feb 22, 2010.

  1. I really need to leave him. But somehow I can't. And I keep hating myself for it.

    We've been dating for about 5 months. He appears to be more into the relationship than myself. Lately everything he does seems to annoy me in some way, and I stop being attracted to him every now and then.

    Something happened the other day while we were alone and I've regretted it. We didn't have sex, I'm still a virgin but we got quite close to it and I felt really uncomfortable and pushed him away. I don't want to be touched ever since. By anyone. Especially by him. It just doesn't feel right.

    He's so different than me. I never realized when we started dating but I do now. He's always so 'happy' and awkward and naive-like, whereas I'm someone who changes moods every second or two (it's bipolar's disorder's fault) and I end up making sarcastic comments on things he says without wanting to. And I end up feeling guilty about it all night afterwards.

    I don't know why, but I'm just not happy. He does everything he can to make me happy but somehow things keep getting worse. He says a lot of awkward things at weird times and that tends to make things worse again even if they were normal, but I blame myself for that because I tend to over analyze everything and obsess over anything someone close to me says.

    I don't know, I keep thinking he's lying about some small idiotic stuff to impress me. And, the other night, I ended up crying in front of him. For no reason, like I usually do (Or maybe there is a reason, my depression). I've managed to hide my tears from most people but no.

    We were outside at the moment and I felt like my legs could not hold me anymore, and I fell down crying. A bunch of people stared at us and a man even walked over to see if he can help. He picked me up and we walked over to a park to talk. I couldn't talk. I just didn't find the right things to say. When he asked me why I was crying, I couldn't simply tell him I was unhappy and I needed to break up, that I was suicidal and depressed, that I had bipolar disorder.

    We had a talk once and I hinted something about a break up. He started crying and yelling that he can't lose me and won't lose me because he loves me, and I just couldn't do it anymore. I can't stand causing others pain. He seemed to deny the fact that I might want to break up. He refuses to believe it.

    I'm scared he might threaten suicide, just like my ex boyfriend. I can't take any more of this again. I really can't. I'll end up breaking down completely and ending ~my life. I still suffer from the guilt my ex boyfriend left me for breaking up with him. He would threaten suicide, and even cut himself in front of me. I spent a year of my life trying to help him out and make him find happiness again. Now he's with another girl who he's happy with, after making me go through hell. I'm sure he would be glad to see where I'm at now...

    I don't know how to break up with him. What to say, what to do. I'm scared of being alone, but I need to leave him, for his sake at least. But I'm scared of the process. It was more than hell next time. Please, help me if you can. I really need to let him go. I don't know how..
     
  2. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Well, that's a tough situation.

    Maybe you should just sit him down and just have a talk about it. Tell him you're unhappy with the relationship and it needs to end. Easier said than done I know...

    However, don't stay with him just out of fear of what he might do... If he would threaten suicide about that it's manipulation to the extreme. If that happens then you should just report him to the police if you think he's serious.
     
  3. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I can not give relationship advice, but please seek treatment for mental problems. it sounds to me like the problem is not your boyfriend but rather your mental illness.
     
  4. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I have to agree with aoeu. It may be more your mental problems instead of him.

    Are you taking medication?
     
  5. I know it has to do with my mental problems as well, but it's not just that. I feel unhappy in the relationship in general and I feel like I want out. But somehow I can't make up my mind properly and tell him. I think it'll be cruel of me to crash him like that, but I really need to tell him. He appears to really love me and will be really hurt.

    Please, I need some help on how I could break the news to him. Any advice will be very much accepted.
     
  6. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    You could write him a long detailed letter, about how you feel, telling him that you have your own problems going on right now and you need to sort them out and control them before you can be with him or anyone. You're not happy with your life right now and you need some time on your own to sort it out. Something like that.. with a more positive spin, but at the same time, not lying. Give him the letter through his door or something, let him read it on his own, in his own time, and tell him if he wants to meet up with you once he's gathered his thoughts and feelings together, just to have a little talk about what you said and to say goodbye, then that's fine, that he just needs to text/call you. But stress that no amount of pleading or threatening to do this or that will change your mind, and that if he threatens you then it isn't fair on you, as this is already hard enough for you as it is.

    Hm, I don't know. Something like that anyway. Good luck, nonetheless.
     
  7. Escapist

    Escapist Well-Known Member

    Hm. I'm not sure if leaving him this very moment would be the best idea. IF these complications are partly caused due your mental problems, then I suggest treating those first with the selected medication. Afterall you don't know how much your current relation could improve without those problems.

    Take a step by step and make sure to think these things through, love is something difficult. You wouldn't want to make a move which you might regret later, do you? If however, it all really isn't working out, why not suggest a small break? Let him know about your mental problem and that you started treating it. It might make things less stressful, especially for you. In the meantime you could sort things out and find the answers to the questions you have, whether you wish to continue with him or not.

    With the mental issue being treated, your thoughts should be more reliable. And from there onwards, I suggest doing what you find necassary do. However do know that you should think this through entirely, and look for any other possible solution to make this perhaps a little bit easier for both parties. Breaking up has always been an easy solution and is also an overused action. It's considered way to quickly. In a relation there will be frictions, there will be fights, there will be uncertainties. That's why you need to talk things out. Just remember to think about it throroughly, afterall actions have their concequences.

    In the end, the only advice I have is to take it slow. Treat your Bipolar disorder first, then make further decisions by thinking things through.

    Hope I've been of any help to you.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 23, 2010
  8. tortuosa

    tortuosa Banned Member

    It seems like your boyfriend is just a weak person, is not your fault, is his. who in the world would be in love of someone like that? just break up with him, is NOT YOUR problem, nothing to be affraid of. If he decides to kill himself, good for him, you dont need to be traumatized because of that, believe me, i have a friend who has a bf like that, he is now a stalker.
     
  9. loribaby

    loribaby Member

    that was uncalled for and very cruel. I WOULDNT SAY THAT ABOUT ANYONE. jesus watch what the hell you say please. this is a suicide form for people seeking help not harsh criticism.
     
  10. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    I used to be this kind of person. He will want to know why in detail. But he will get over it. Avoid using cliches. Avoid telling him that you still want to be friends. Avoid the nice way of letting him down easy. Don't sugar coat it. But tell him why exactly WHY you don't want him anymore. After you do that then end it. Do it in person to. Don't be a chump and send him an email or a text. He will probably hound you endlessly if you do that.

    Its going to hurt him and it will hurt a lot, but in the end, you will both be better for it, and he will probably end up thanking you later. Better to hear the truth then to hear some candy coated lies that you know aren't true. Just be honest and cut him off for good. Don't be with someone because you want to keep him happy if you are not whole heartedly in the relationship. THAT IS MORE CRUEL THAN BREAKING HIS HEART. This is my advice coming from the perspective of being in countless relationships were I have cared about the girl much more than they cared about me. The thing that hurt the most is when they said things like this.

    I love you but I am not in love with you.
    I only want to be friends, and I don't want to lose your friendship.
    You are such a great guy but you aren't for me, but someday you will find a girl who will love you more than anyone ever has.

    DO NOT SAY THIS. BE BRUTALLY HONEST. ITS BETTER FOR BOTH OF YOU!
     
  11. tortuosa

    tortuosa Banned Member

    Come on, that is not CRUEL. is the true. so what is your point? she should stay in this relationship without love? Please don´t take serious his "problems", he is just a weak guy dependant on her, with years and experiencie he will probably gain some strenght and stop acting like a person who doesn have self flove. He is MANIPULATING her in a childish way saying that he´d suicide. Come on, how can you respet that?

    She should nicely break up with him, and he should LEARN about this experience.
     
  12. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    BECAUSE THIS IS A SUICIDE PREVENTION AND SUPPORT FORUM! Things that you may feel are trivial or easy to get over are things that might send another over the edge and vice versa. We all have our strengths and weaknesses our breaking points.

    Expressing an attitude akin to "he's just faking it" or "he won't do it" is shit you shouldn't say on a site like this. Do I think you make valid points? Absolutely. But this is a site full of alot of messed up, stressed out, emotional, people that are in a bad way. PLease repsect the fact that we shouldn't ever feel that someone who is talking about maybe hurting themselves is just crying wolf and looking for attention. Better to support someone in pain then to just push someone away because there problems aren't "fucked up enough" or "bad enough" to kill themself over. No one can make that call, not me nor you.
     
  13. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    It isn't 'cruel', it's just thoughtless and the asshole move to make. It does sound like he's overly dependent on her but she isn't able to drop him just like that, that's why she posted here. Yes, he does need to stop being soft and accept that she doesn't want to see him anymore but that doesn't make seeing him get hurt, and the shit you go through afterwards, any easier.

    To the OP, honestly the best thing to do is just tell him all of this directly. There's no way to not hurt him if you're going to break up with him. The kindest way to do it is to do it honestly and let him know why you're doing it. You can't be guilted into staying with someone, if you don't love him anymore you don't love him and the relationship needs to end for both of your sakes.
     
  14. tortuosa

    tortuosa Banned Member

    OK, then, stay with him and ruin your life because he will "suicide" if you leave him (i dont remember how many times i had listen to this). I just said the same things that all of you said, she should break up with him, didnt i? i just pointed that he is weak and probably inexperience and is normal to have this toughts and feel like life is not worth it becuase we focus more on other people instead of ourselves.

    HE WILL SUFFER ANYWAY, so why are you complaying for? you think she can avoid that? there is no way in hell that he wont suffer becuase of this, but if he is smart, he will realize it that he should make a big change about the way he see relationships (with dependance). We all been trought this, so stop acting like babys right now.

    She should focus on moving on, and nicely break up with him, thats all im saying, people like him are just not ready to have a relationship, becuase they are to weak and manipulative, is a childlish actitude "if you break up with me, ill kill me", he over reacted like most dependant people do.