I need to talk a little more...

Hi,

About a week / 10 days ago, I joined this forum. I have had some suicidal thoughts, but now they are gone. I just feel depressed. I need to talk a little more. I manage to work, but sometimes, I need long breaks. Waking up in the morning is still hard, cos I still need to solve some financial problems.

Sometimes, I feel like shit, like I am worth nothing. Then it goes.

I get to understand that I have been voluntarily disconnecting from some deep feelings and emotions. Sometimes even consciously. I am building up a lot of resent against the situation with my narcissistic father. I vomit him without limits.

I was working on a project for more than a year, and a partner still has not delivered his part. Meaning we can't make money out of it... I am so sad !!! I have been so patient and accommodating.

I have been lacking of integrity myself, I have not been taking care of myself properly too.

While surfing the other day, I became more and more aware of the false-self concept. I had heard about it, but never got into details. It is obvious mine looks like: I have to obey, to comply, I should not ask for something I need, especially when I am not meeting my internal expectations, I have to prove something before people will love me. What a shame... how fucked up is this?

On the up side, it is getting better and better with the woman I have met on the Internet, we are exchanging more and more. She said finds me very interesting, I told her I had love feelings for her (and I do). She is sweet... probably the kind of love that will get me back into balance... I need a transition in my life...

May be I'll write more later...

 

Hi
You have had some suicidal thoughts recently. These are not good feelings at all. You seem to feel better now and although things are not ideal as you feel depressed, you are no longer thinking about killing yourself. The woman you met on the internet is helping you see things with optimism. I wonder if following the experience with thoughts of suicide you have made arrangements for having the support on hand so you can deal with feeling suicidal again should this happen. This support can be a plan of what to do if... Including who to call and what to do to get distracted. Is important to have a plan of prevention in place. Depression can lead to thoughts of suicide and it is important to be ready for that possibility.
Yep