i need to talk about what happened almost a month ago. i need to recount what happened, bit by bit, what i remember. i'm not trying to make any kimnd of point, i just need to get it out. on october 22nd, for some reason, i suddenly thought "this is it, i'm done". i put all of my husband's meds in my purse, told him i was going to go pick something up, and left. i drove to a local park, up in the mountains, and found a secluded spot at the far end. i locked the doors. i didn't want to die alone, so i called a suicide hotline and told the lady i was going to kill myself. of course she asked where i was, but i wouldn't tell her. i talked to her for a total of roughly two hours (not sure). while she was talking to me i od'd and cut my wrists. i don't know how, but apparently somehow she found out where i was, she never stopped talking to me, so i don't know how she did it, but she must have called the cops. it was dark at the time when i saw an ambulance with their lights on pull up behind me. then there were two firefighters next to my window and tried to open the door, which was still locked. While they were standing there I kept taking pills. Then there were two cops on the passenger side, trying to shimmy the door open. I took one of my razor blades, and one of the cops yelled No! NOO!, while the other one broke the window and pointed a tazer at me yelling Put it down!. I did, and they opened the doors. Not sure what happened after that, but the next thing i remember is the ambulance people trying to get me to drink charcoal. couldn't do it. then i must have passed out. i halfway woke up in the er, with my hands tied to the bed, and they put a tube down my nose. My clothes were gone. i threw up twice after they put the tube in. people were saying Try to stay awake! I need you to stay awake for us! The next two days are a blur. i vaguely remember seeing blurry faces looking at me every now and then. I woke up on the third day in the ICU. two iv's, tubes and cables everywhere. tube still down my nose and throat. oxygen. i was seen by different doctors that day, one of which told me that i really shouldn't have survived this. First they were talking about transferring me to a regular room, but then they decided to send me straight to the psych hospital. The only thing that was left of my clothes was my socks. Everything else they cut off of me.