i need to talk about it

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by frantic, Nov 20, 2012.

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  1. frantic

    frantic Well-Known Member

    i need to talk about what happened almost a month ago. i need to recount what happened, bit by bit, what i remember. i'm not trying to make any kimnd of point, i just need to get it out.

    on october 22nd, for some reason, i suddenly thought "this is it, i'm done". i put all of my husband's meds in my purse, told him i was going to go pick something up, and left. i drove to a local park, up in the mountains, and found a secluded spot at the far end. i locked the doors. i didn't want to die alone, so i called a suicide hotline and told the lady i was going to kill myself. of course she asked where i was, but i wouldn't tell her. i talked to her for a total of roughly two hours (not sure). while she was talking to me i od'd and cut my wrists. i don't know how, but apparently somehow she found out where i was, she never stopped talking to me, so i don't know how she did it, but she must have called the cops. it was dark at the time when i saw an ambulance with their lights on pull up behind me. then there were two firefighters next to my window and tried to open the door, which was still locked. While they were standing there I kept taking pills. Then there were two cops on the passenger side, trying to shimmy the door open. I took one of my razor blades, and one of the cops yelled No! NOO!, while the other one broke the window and pointed a tazer at me yelling Put it down!. I did, and they opened the doors. Not sure what happened after that, but the next thing i remember is the ambulance people trying to get me to drink charcoal. couldn't do it. then i must have passed out. i halfway woke up in the er, with my hands tied to the bed, and they put a tube down my nose. My clothes were gone. i threw up twice after they put the tube in. people were saying Try to stay awake! I need you to stay awake for us!

    The next two days are a blur. i vaguely remember seeing blurry faces looking at me every now and then. I woke up on the third day in the ICU. two iv's, tubes and cables everywhere. tube still down my nose and throat. oxygen. i was seen by different doctors that day, one of which told me that i really shouldn't have survived this.

    First they were talking about transferring me to a regular room, but then they decided to send me straight to the psych hospital.

    The only thing that was left of my clothes was my socks. Everything else they cut off of me.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It was a difficult story to share I am sure. If you are up to it sometime I would like to know how it went in the psyche hospital and how you are doing now.

    Take care and be safe

    Ben
     
  3. BandAid

    BandAid Member

    Thank you for sharing your story. I too utilized the suicide hotline and they found my exact spot also. The young lady I spoke to even called me a week later to see how things went. I'm so glad they got to you in time and saved you. The most important thing I read out of your story was the part where you asked for help. You WANTED help and that is such a great start to recovery. Be safe, take care, and keep us posted.
     
  4. frantic

    frantic Well-Known Member

    thank you both. it went okay in the hospital. it's a new place, and for now it's total chaos. but it was okay all in all.

    i was doing really well after the attempt, until now. now i'm going downhill agai n. i'm scared of what i'll find at the bottom.
     
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    That you realize you are going down hill and that scares you means you are maybe not as bad a place as you were. Once you recognize the signs it gives a little time to be proactive and do as you are now- reaching for help before you get there. Don't be afraid to try the hotline again before you get all the way to the bottom - they can help (and not send anybody) if you just explain you are scared about what you feel and possibly give you some coping strategies or ideas on how to get help befor you get to that point. If the psyche hospital helped reach back out to them or consider if they have a day treatment program so you are not totally alone in this struggle. {Please keep posting and letting us know of your progress - I do believe you can make progress back towards a better state of mind as you have done it already once at least...

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    :hug: don't really know what to say but just wanted to let you know i read your post. That sure is a difficult story to share and can't imagine how hard it was to go through. You are strong! Stay strong :)
     
  7. frantic

    frantic Well-Known Member

    i remember my husband saying on the phone "I'm not mad at you, but I'm really worried about you this time" in the ICU. That's all I remember about that.

    now whenever i think about taking pills, i get all nauseaus and feel like i'm going to throw up.
     
  8. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    How wonderful that your husband is very supportive. :smile: Sounds like you can reach out for him if you need him.

    I think our bodies and minds give us a gag reflex after something we've ingested makes us really ill (whether it's pills, booze, or even good things like veggies, cake or ice cream). That gag reflex is a good thing if we are thinking of taking too many pills. Perhaps it's nature safety net for the times we feel really low? Maybe another loop in your safety net can be coming here if you feel things are overwhelming you. Stay safe.
     
  9. frantic

    frantic Well-Known Member

    one month ago today. it was one month ago today. october 22nd. i don't think i'll ever forget that date.
     
  10. WldHair

    WldHair Well-Known Member

    Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for calling the Suicide Hotline. Even though you thought you wanted to die, your higher self doesn't, that wise part of yourself that watches over you. Hopefully, you can find an avenue with your husband to share your feelings with him and get him to aid you to keep from going down into the darkness again. My husband didn't understand my illness at first, but now he's one of my biggest allies. Hopefully, you can get the right therapies and medications to help you. Was this something out of the blue or have you always suffered from depression?
     
  11. frantic

    frantic Well-Known Member

    Yesterday I got a statement in the mail from tricare. it was for 2 xrays taken at the hospital that day. i don't remember any xrays. at all. i guess i was unconscious then. i wonder why they took xrays. what for. what does it show after an overdose?

    it's like i'm still finding puzzle pieces. i don't know why i feel the need to know exactly what happened in the hospital. i'm kinda obsessed with it.
     
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