I need to talk to someone… Anyone.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by BlueTrumpet, Mar 29, 2014.

  1. BlueTrumpet

    BlueTrumpet New Member

    I want to apologize for any grammar or spelling issues up front.

    I feel like I am being backed into a wall. On one side I have a girlfriends mother that does not have a firm grasp on the english language, yelling at me for hurting her daughter, and having a high pride. And on the other side I have a girlfriend who is attacking me over and over and over again about a sarcastic comment that slipped out of my mouth that I did not mean to say. I understand how I hurt her by it but she starts yelling unconsolably and attacks me without care because I “started it” and “if you don’t care about hurting me, then why should I care about hurting you?” She tells me that all she wants is an apology, yet whenever I apologize, all I hear is “YOU DONT MEAN IT! I KNOW YOU! YOU’RE JUST SAYING THAT!” she goes on and on blaming me and telling me to change and then when I say I will, she gets mad because I said hat last week, yet I still don't really know how to change myself. I speak quickly and I have a sarcastic attitude. Sometimes a sarcastic comment will come out especially when I feel attacked or am being treated in a sarcastic manner. I get treated sarcastically and feel attacked nearly before nearly every argument, yet she will not believe herself to be that way refusing to acknowledge the truth. She talks to me about having too high of a pride because I will not admit that most of the arguments are my fault, when I don’t honestly feel that they are my fault, and she has too high of a pride to admit that she can be the way I am sometimes. The only time she does admit to being sarcastic is when she claims it to be justified because “I started it first,” which of course means that she can hurt me however and whenever she wants. She has a cutting problem and has stopped cutting recently because she knows that I hate it, (I did not force her to do so) and she is very easy to make depressed and get suicidal. Apparently when I am sarcastic to her I make her feel as if she isn’t worth enough to change for, or that I dont love her enough to change. I have explained over and over again that it has nothing to do with those, it merely has to do with me not knowing exactly how to change, yet she still yells at me endlessly. When we fight she expects results right then and there, she doesnt realize that results like that cant be obtained instantaneously.
    We are planing on moving out together in a few months. One of my friends from out of state is being kicked out of his parents so my parents agreed to let him stay at their house until we can all move out and room together. I have two job interviews this upcoming week and I decided that I would like to help out my parents with a little bit of money whenever I could, since they are extremely tight and are almost gonna lose their house. I figured that since we will be living with each other soon, I would run that by her so she knows my plan. I told her, “So, when I get paid if we have any extra I’m gonna help out my parents a little bit. But dont worry, I am still putting us first.” That’s when the shit hit the fan. She started complaining about how I need to talk to her about this and how I need to run it past her first. That was when I accidentally let slip the sarcastic comment: “What do I have to check with you before I buy a candy bar ath the store now?” which I admit was a stupid thing to do, but that is how I react when I feel attacked. She then started yelling at me about how stupid I was being and how immature I was and how I was not thinking about this expense and that expense and how it is so ignorant of me to try to give my parents money when I have bills to pay for. After hours of this, I was finally able to get a word or two in. I told her that I said any EXTRA money, for example after ALL the bills are paid and all of her needs are taken care of then I would use the extras (if there is any) that would be used by me to spend on random shit that I dont need, to help out my parents. Then I got reamed for saying “I am going to help out my parents” because it is OUR money, not just mine. I was simply trying to avoind seeming like I was telling her what she is going to do. Then after that was moved past she kept saying how she was not going to help my parents if they cant afford the house they are living in because my mom wanted a nice-ish house to live in since she has a bad leg. She then continued to rant and judge my parents about their life decisions saying that “Why should I support them!?” after I had made clear that they were not asking or anything, and that I just wanted to do it because they had raised me for 19 years and it was the least I could do. Needless to say I sure didnt feel like it was our money at that point in time. Then she started on me for “calling her a heartless bitch” because apparently my earlier statement about how just wanted to help my parents because they had raised me for 19 years and it was the least I could do made her feel like a heartless bitch because she wants to get our lives together completely before helping anyone out. The whole time I am receiving attack after attack. Until finally she winds down.
    A few hours later, she asks me to apologize because “most of the fights are my fault” which is something I dont truthfully believe. When I tell her that I believe that the fights are started equally from each one of us, she flips again saying how it is always my smart ass mouth that starts the fights, where to me it is her overreaction and non-willingness to have a discussion about something with out getting overly animated and irate. Then starts fight number 2 for the night, which is the reason I feel backed into a corner again. When we fight she always, ALWAYS grabs her keys, wallet and glasses and tries to leave. The few times I have let her go because I believed her lies about just going to the store or something of the sort she drives off to a secluded river park where she has told me she plans to kill herself. We only have the one car, and sometimes she doesnt even bring her phone, so it might be understandable as to why I do not just let her walk out on her own. She tried it again tonight, and asks me the same questions over and over and over and over again. She tells me to get out of her way over and over and over again. She repeats how everything would be solved if i just let her do it. Then she finally momentarily gives up the fight for the door and runs to the kitchen and grabs the knife. Then she tells me that since I hurt her (with the smart ass comment over 6 hours ago) that she can cut. reluctantly I let her because I am aware of the release of stress and feelings that it brings her, hoping it will be the end of it. Next thing I know, I hear sobbing from the locked bathroom door, and I get extremely worried... not because I hear her cries, but because they aren’t effecting me. I feel like it is her own fault for crying since she is the one who is hurting herself. I feel like she does this so often it is just annoying more than anything. The fact that I feel the way I do for the woman I love and have every intention to marry scares the f***ing shit out of me... She is not always this way, but it seems be happening more and more often lately.

    I just feel like I need to talk to someone since I can’t talk to her about it since she apparently can’t ever be at fault for something like this. It doesn’t help that her mother keeps taking her side most of the time and keeps telling me not to do anything stupid. I am being told that I am stupid, worthless, and prideful and a whole plethora of negative qualities, and all I keep doing is stopping my love from killing herself. I tell her I love her every day, I tell her that she is beautiful every day. It just never seems to stick. What can I do?

    Please feel free to message me or email me even… I just need to know what to do, and how to deal with my feelings. I love her so much, I don't want to lose her.
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for the difficult situation you find yourself in. While I understand you love her you need to understand that loving a person is nto all thta is needed to be happy together. If you are having this many fights and they cannot be resolved and are feeling attacked then that does not sound like a happy loving relationship. Very seldom do these things get better over time unless something changes.

    While there can be arguments made for both sides on things like "my money" and "our money" these are things that really need to be settled in a way that all understand and are agreeable with before you go much further in this relationship. If you are 19 (based on parents supporting you for last 19 years) I would really suggest slowing down dramatically on advancing this relationship. You want to be with the part of her that you love , but the part of her that is all fights and accusations causes you pain (naturally). Unfortunately in a relationship you do not get just the good parts , you get it all. It is very reasonable for you to seriously ask yourself how much pain and distress is it worth for the other? At your age there is a lot of things in life yet to come - like all of adulthood- and trying to hold onto the past without seriously considering the implications for the future could make entering adulthood a difficult road to follow.