I need to talk to someone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fae, Jun 9, 2016.

  1. Fae

    Fae New Member

    Hello I'm new to this so I'm sorry if I'm not posting right. So I guess I'll just start at the beginning, kind of. I'm in my early thirties and married to a beautiful intelligent woman I'm still very much in love with. We've been living together and for the most part inseparable for almost ten years. She has ptsd from her childhood and because of that lives with anxiety that can be very debilitating at times so I try to always be there for her psychically and mentally. About a year into our marriage I came to the realization that I am trangender and my own feelings of depression and social anxiety that have plagued me throughout my life stemmed from the resulting gender dysphoria. When I told her about myself she was understandably upset. I wasn't trying to hide this from her I just honestly did not believe, probably because I spent my life in denial, that about myself. It terrifies her as she is not a lesbian or bisexual and doesn't want to lose her attraction to me. After much crying and talking I told her I'd never leave her and would not transition or attempt to change and live as I feel because I don't even know what I'd do without her in my life. We agreed we should both see therapists for our respective problems. Eventually we both began appointments. Unfortunately even though I began seeing a therapist myself I know the only thing that will help me is to transition. Ever since I admitted it to myself I've felt it stronger and stronger and after beginning my appointments and talking to my therapist it's just gotten worse. I had begun joking around in my head about suicide. At first it was just thinking how I would do it without having to suffer to much, not because I would actually do something like that, but more as just idle thoughts. Then I realized the house we rent has an unattached garage. "Holy shit" I thought "talk about easy and painless I could just go to sleep in my car forever". But of course I continued to think this as idle thoughts. After all I could never do that to my wife. Then more recently (sometime about a month or two ago) it started to get worse. I began to think it wouldn't matter if I left her like that because I wouldn't be alive to feel bad anyway if I could just get over the guilt long enough to go through with it (I know terrible but true). I had stopped seeing my therapist awhile before that because it was making me feel even worse just talking about it with the knowledge I can't do anything without losing her. The thought of killing myself has been consuming me more and more to the point where I've slammed a drawer shut when I was by myself and spotted a straight blade razor and for a moment it was all I could think of how easy it would be to say fuck the garage I'll just use that right now. It was at that point I decided I needed to tell her that although I'll never leave her this is eating me alive and I've been thinking of drastic options. I didn't want to as I know people tend to think it's just a cry for attention or worse emotional blackmail but I didn't know what else to do and she made me promise at one point that if tell her if I ever started to feel that way. Then right before I could bring myself to talk to her about it her younger brother (29) died. He was the closest person to her throughout her life, even walked her down the aisle at our wedding. His death was totally unexpected and she was of course decimated. So I stuffed my feelings further down, I had to be there for her. That was a little over a month ago and now the thoughts are back and worse and the other day she confided in me that she has had thoughts of suicide recently, I'm not sure how serious they are but I feel like any mention of suicide is serious, and that she's so happy that at least she still has me. What am I supposed to do? I feel like there's no way I can tell her after that but I feel so alone. I don't have extended family. My father is older and has been dealing with cancer and is going to be starting round two of chemotherapy. My mother was a great mom growing up but she's been on drugs for years now and I'm afraid she's going to overdose or end up on the street. My brother is is jail/rehab. I don't have any friends I can talk to... I feel so alone.
  2. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you're both struggling. We are here for you. Hugs Are you thinking about seeing a new therapist for both of you? Have you tried contacting a hotline to ask which steps to take for the both of you? Please don't give up. Hugs keep reaching out
  3. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    Hi Fae, I am so sorry to hear that you and your wife are both struggling right now. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling. However, it seems that your suicidal thoughts and ideations are very real and are happening pretty frequently and feeling "trapped" and alone is only going to make them stronger. I it would be really helpful for both of you to seek therapy either separately or together. Also, transitioning is obviously something that is very important to you. I can tell how much you love your wife and how strong your bond is and I hope that some day soon you and her can have another discussion about it. Just know that we're here for you and please don't give up. You sound like a very caring person. Please take care of yourself too and reach out if you need to. By the way, I think Fae is a beautiful name.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    welcome to the forum, I am so sorry to hear of all the negative things happening in your life, just know you don't have to go through them all alone, we are here for you fae, you will get through this difficult time, I agree any mention of suicide ever should be taken very seriously so please don't let it slide get help noe for both of you.
  5. My heart aches for you and your wife. You have definitely gone through some tough times lately. You are both dealing with so much right now. Have you and your wife considered seeing a couple's therapist?