I am too fucked up. I started cutting. The pain is nice, but I do it because it is serious and bad for myself. I envy those who cut themsleves and bleed. I want to be like them. I want to hurt and I cant bring myself to do it as much as I want. Today I met my friend. He said he had a bad night yesterday and he took a pill. He didnt know what it was, but he cant remember what he did after that. When he woke up, he had a bloody nuckle, a dent in his wall, and the word "pain" carved into his upper arm. He is conserned about this. I am too, for his sake. It would have been better if I did it to myself though. I want to talk to him about his accident and my cutting. I feel like he might understand. I need to do more.