I need to talk

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by youngster, Apr 27, 2013.

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  1. youngster

    youngster New Member

    Hello, my name is Mike, Im 18 and Im not sure whether its my hormones (obviously due to the whole being a teenager thing) but lately Ive found that each and every time Im sitting alone at night that things start to build up in my head, I feel disgusted with myself and on more than one occasion Ive took a blade to anywhere I can reach (resulting in the even worse thing of hiding it from my family/friends/girlfriend) and the main reasons that these things begin to come forward are due to things surrounding my girlfriend and myself.
    I have been in a relationship with her for coming up to three years now and they have been both some of the most amazing/rewarding times of my life and also some of the worst but lately Ive been feeling a level of distrust between me and her. This started in a club when one of her friends began feeling her inappropriately (this not being an over reaction due to several of my friends later asking if we had broken up because of his actions towards her) and me ending up throwing him out with a doorman because of his intoxicated nature. Afterwards she agreed that he had been totally out of line, that she was totally disgusted by him and we agreed that this was the end of the case (apart from my obvious hatred of the guy). But as a result of this incident I have been gradually feeling more and more uneasy and my distrust of her is constantly mounting on my shoulders like lead weights, I dont understand why I am feeling distrust between me and her but it seems to be the result.
    Due to the event in question I have been feeling betrayed by her (I do not understand why I would feel betrayed by her as she is the most loving person anyone could ever ask for, she trusts me more than her own mother of whom she is best friends with and she has never been disloyal to me in the whole 3 years we've been together which is more than difficult to come across in this day and age) and due to this (along with mounting exam pressure due to my need to get into univercity), has caused me to become overly depressed and I feel like, because of these feelings, that alls I try to do when we're talking is to cause arguements and create space between us (which makes me feel even worse and want rid of myself even more as the thought of being without her after so long destroys me) and, as Ive said above, made me do things to myself that I shouldnt and been through several stages of other processes to prematurely terminate my life (obviously never gone totally through with it - which makes me feel like a coward).
    I do not understand why I have been feeling like this and would really like some insight into what may be going on. I am becoming seriously afraid as to why Ive been getting these feelings and what I may turn to next. I have only turned to this site because of fear, fear that my friends and family will condem me (my grandmother's father killed himself as did my grandfather and I only hear of them in foul fassion), segregate me and turn me into just another outcast theyd rather avoid (even more so than this whole process has made me feel due to me creating problems with close friends and family members because of my anger problems). Id just like help, someone who understands what is happening to me and how I can change it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 27, 2013
  2. ~Tosh~

    ~Tosh~ Forum Buddy

    Hi mike, it sounds like you need to sit her down and have a really good chat with her amd tell her how your feelimg. It may make you feel better? And if she loves you, she can help you through the emotions. It does sound as though it could be a mix of emotions too. Feel free to chat to me any further if you wish x
  3. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Hi Mike, welcome to the forum. Since your family doesn't seem easy to talk to, have you tried talking to a counselor or therapist or anyone about how you're feeling? It can be hard to maintain relationships when you are depressed or suicidal...I know I've had trouble explaining my feelings to friends and family or to feel accepted or anything like that. Also if you feel a sense of distrust towards your girlfriend, maybe it's time to take a break from her? At least until you can collect your thoughts and find ways to deal with what is going on in your life. I just think you need to take the time to work things out and focus on yourself and find solutions to what is bothering you.
  4. youngster

    youngster New Member

    I have thought of sitting with her and talking but because I get really easily frustrated and am prone to loosing my temper whenever we have been sitting together Ive never been able to bring it up with her because I feel that if I told her she would be disheartened by it herself and in turn begin feeling similar feelings to me and thus, making me begin to feel frustrated and angry. I have also thought of going to a councillor but feel like it would be a waste of time because I would just get, yet again, angry and that it would have been a huge waste of time
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