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I need to tell her, don't I...

Discussion in 'I Need Some Practical Advice' started by theedda, Mar 1, 2018.

  1. theedda

    theedda Well-Known Member

    I know what pretty much every answer is gonna be. "Walk away, it's unhealthy". Maybe that's right. But in my experience, I've always done what's "healthy" and all it's amounted to is everyone involved getting hurt because of my stupid principles.

    I'm in love with my best friend. Early in October, we ended up in a "friends with benefits" relationship, a short while after her ex cheated on her (should clarify that she initiated it), which we've kinda had on and off since. She made it clear that she wasn't into it for romance, and I respected that. But honestly... when it was more consistent, it felt... right. Not wrong, how you'd expect these things to feel. We'd both been attracted to each other to an extent for a long time, and being honest with each other about those feelings just felt right. Even our general friendship was better, there was more trust and everything felt easier somehow. And, I was starting to get a crush on her.

    I just treated it as an innocent little crush. I wasn't talking to any other girls on that level really, so it was whatever. Then she started talking to her ex, who she liked a lot. I ended the friends with benefits, and just let her go after him. Cause it was the "right" and "healthy" thing to do. And I regret that. They didn't end up together anyway. Maybe if I'd followed through and kept it up... Anyway. Then she got into a long-distance relationship with this guy who she barely knew out of desperation, because he was convinced she was meant for him or something. I immediately felt it wouldn't work out, but as a month or so passed, I was finally beginning to accept it. Then, she messages me about how horny she was feeling, and I said "You have a boyfriend, calm down", and she said she had been single again for a while. "Benefits" came back, and so did the feelings, stronger than ever. Then she tried again with the guy from October because of whom I stopped things to begin with. And I was ready to finally move on. But that didn't work out either. It's like every time I think it might just be over, it isn't. She could have any guy she wants, but she never follows through. And then she comes back to me.

    I gotta tell her and get it over with. More and more I realise this. But that means she'll leave. Or at the very least, she'll put her guard up so much that she may as well. Either way, I'd lose the closest friend I have. And I just... don't wanna do that. I'd honestly rather suffer through this than lose her altogether. And I'm not leaving her myself. She would not see that coming, and it would hurt her a lot. I've promised I'd be there for her through thick and thin many times, and that is a promise I intend to keep.

    I can't do it now anyway. Both of us are suicidal for different reasons, and the shock from this level of drama might push one of us over the edge, so I'm not risking that for both our sanity. It's just not the time. But ultimately, I think I need to do something sooner rather than later. This has gone on long enough. But I just don't know what to do, or how to do it.... I just don't anymore.
  2. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Seeker

    You say you'd rather suffer through it than lose her but are you really sure about that? Something is going to give at some point if your feelings grow stronger. From my point of view your options are to open up and tell her how you feel and let the chips fall how they may. You could also redirect your focus on someone else, that could perhaps cool down your feelings towards her and let you continue the relationship like it was. In my opinion though the way she's constantly juggling different guys is a bit worrisome, if you would start dating her there is a big possibility that you could end up being hurt badly. Sounds like she has a restless soul and is seeking some kind of validation desperately.
  3. theedda

    theedda Well-Known Member

    Well, it's two guys not counting me at the end of the day, and we weren't romantic. She'd never cheat, but you're kind of right. I do worry that if she was into me (or started to be), we'd have to take it slow for it to last. Which is another reason I haven't said anything yet. I'd rather it be a solid "yes" than an "okay, let's give it a shot" with her.
    Redirecting my attention to someone else has resulted in me being into the wrong girls in the past, plus... I don't really have any options right now, so that'd be difficult (it's not like I have stopped looking while this has gone on). So I don't know if that's even possible as of now.
    Well as for that, yes, I actually am sure. I know it's what everyone says and it may be hard to believe, but that's how it is. Especially right now, losing my best friend while I'm in a crisis over pretty much every aspect of my life would be too much to deal with. That said, you are right, something will give, she'll either end up with another guy eventually, which, while I'd be happy for her, would hurt a lot, or she'll start suspecting, and honestly confessing my feelings might be better for me than being called out. I gotta find a good time and a good way to do it though.
  4. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am not sure what advice you are looking for- so I will just share my thoughts. You are both adults- as such a mutually consensual sexual relationship is not, in my opinion unhealthy in anyway- whether there is romance or not. You are also not responsible to any other person/guy in her life. If she wants a purely physical relationship with you and you are okay with that, then what else she does is her business- that is the point of a non committed / physical relationship. The lack of judgement and the not having your motives, interests, or other aspects of your life put on review. So to me, I see no reason to discontinue it based on either her, or on any other person she is involved with or not involved with. That is not your business or concern with a FWB relationship.

    That brings the thing that is an issue and why you need to decide what to do for YOU. And you have to be selfish for yourself because you are allowed to be selfish when determining what the terms of a relationship are. If it is not helpful and beneficial to you then you should not do it- period. If it is then feel free to go with whatever is okay with you but on your terms. If you are in love with her then it sounds like you are going to end up being hurt. Basically, she does not sound ready for a committed relationship to me. That is NOT a bad thing at 21 (not sure of her age obviously- guessing it is withing a couple years though). But is a committed relationship is all that you can do without being hurt then yes, you should end it so it is your choice.

    Regardless, you owe it to her to be honest with her- "I have a thing for you and would prefer to be in a committed relationship. If you cannot / do not want that then please tell me." At least then all know where all stand, and then decide what it will be. If you cannot do FWB without feeling hurt then for your sake end it, but you do not need end anything "for her", you are not wrong or being a bad person so long as she is aware of the true feelings so not lying by omission to a friend.

    EDIT- let me clarify by "end it" I am not saying end the friendship. End the sex. That may well be the nudge she needs to make her interested in a "more than friends" level anyway- the old adage "why buy the cow if the milk is free" does in fact work both directions..
    Winter Blues likes this.
  5. theedda

    theedda Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your well thought out response. You do make a lot of sense.
    You are right in the sense that I enjoy it, and whether she does as well or wants to end it to focus on an actual relationship with someone else is up to her. I shouldn't have to end it "for her sake", if she doesn't want to, she can just say so. Plus as I said, she's generally been the one to initiate things so far, and she's actually a few years older than me since you mentioned it.

    Is a committed relationship all I can do without getting hurt though? Honestly, I don't know... As I've said, she's my closest friend. The understanding and support I've gotten from her (and honestly, given her as well) is priceless. She's told me before she probably wouldn't be around if not for me, and it's honestly true the other way around as well. I could never say I'd give that up just because I can't call her my girlfriend... But it is something I want. Very much so.

    Two things I wanna clarify. One the sexual aspect of our relationship is very on and off. When it started, it was pretty much every day, now it's more like once a month. Which, weirdly enough, complicates things, because it makes even that aspect of it feel not as clear.

    Secondly, and more importantly, I neglected to mention one thing thing: Two years ago, we were in a somewhat similar position. I developed a mild crush on her and told her about it. She said she had thought about me the same way on and off, but we decided against a relationship. The thing is, I thought I handled it pretty well, all I said was I didn't want to talk to her about other guys she might be interested in (which, is pretty fair I believe). But it really put her guard up, and ultimately spoiled our friendship. Wasn't the only reason, but it was a big part of it, and we actually did call things off for over a year. She came back in the Summer of 2017, when I honestly never expected to talk to her again. So... that's another thing, I don't wanna waste this second chance with her. I'm worried that even if I handle it perfectly, if somehow the day after she rejects me, I'm smiling and looking at other girls, she won't necessarily believe me. I can give her as many disclaimers, and tell her I'll take all the blame and responsibility, but I don't know if that'd be enough. And that's the main thing keeping me back.
  6. I get the feeling based on the way you've described things that you've never seen this girl in person. Correct me if I'm wrong. But if I'm not, I think your main problem is that you're afraid to put yourself out there in real life when it comes to meeting someone. And I get that. It's harder that way because the initial attraction to that person is based almost solely on what they look like, and then after you get to know their personality, they often end up being wrong for you. Not to mention, a lot of people are shallow and if they find you attractive, they'll try to make a move for merely that reason, and if they don't find you attractive, they reject you right away. I'm not into people like that (whether they find me attractive or not), and it seems to me neither are you. Whereas when you meet them online, you talk and get to know what they're all about before anything else happens. There's nothing wrong with meeting someone online, but my point is, you shouldn't completely rule out doing it the other way based solely on fear. Sometimes you'll meet people in real life who surprise you just like you might meet someone online who surprises you. Also, it doesn't help when you try too hard to find someone, both online and in real life. If you're trying too hard, that often indicates you're in need of validation because you don't know how to give it to yourself. With that said, I do think you should tell her how you feel, and if she doesn't return your feelings, move on (not from being her friend, but from all romantic/sexual involvement) because if you don't, you're going to continue to feel this way. You said it yourself that you're both vulnerable and afraid of something pushing you over the edge, and this could very well be that something. Don't try too hard to find the right person and they will most likely come into your life eventually, whether online or in real life.
  7. theedda

    theedda Well-Known Member

    I don't have any issues dating people either in real life or online (as I'm planning to travel around more anyway, and wouldn't mind living in a different country for a while). Unfortunately, my choices in both are limited. Online, I believe, is not something you should go looking for. If you really click with someone and happen to develop feelings, fine, but I don't believe in talking to people for that express purpose. Whereas "in real life", I'm back in my home country after many years, and I have virtually no connections outside of family, plus there's a lot of cultural difficulties when it comes to meeting people here that I won't go into (since that'd be a whole separate thread in of itself).

    I suppose I'll tell her how I feel in the next few days, unless I don't get the chance. I am not looking forward to this...
  8. May I ask what culture it is that you're from? Why did you decide to go back to your home country?
  9. theedda

    theedda Well-Known Member

    I'd rather not say where I'm from, as that's a little too much information considering how small my home country is and how specific I am about my issues, I want to protect my anonymity. I am Eastern European though. And I went back because I finished university, no real other reason.
  10. I didn't mean the country; I said culture, as in nationality. But either way, good luck.