I know what pretty much every answer is gonna be. "Walk away, it's unhealthy". Maybe that's right. But in my experience, I've always done what's "healthy" and all it's amounted to is everyone involved getting hurt because of my stupid principles. I'm in love with my best friend. Early in October, we ended up in a "friends with benefits" relationship, a short while after her ex cheated on her (should clarify that she initiated it), which we've kinda had on and off since. She made it clear that she wasn't into it for romance, and I respected that. But honestly... when it was more consistent, it felt... right. Not wrong, how you'd expect these things to feel. We'd both been attracted to each other to an extent for a long time, and being honest with each other about those feelings just felt right. Even our general friendship was better, there was more trust and everything felt easier somehow. And, I was starting to get a crush on her. I just treated it as an innocent little crush. I wasn't talking to any other girls on that level really, so it was whatever. Then she started talking to her ex, who she liked a lot. I ended the friends with benefits, and just let her go after him. Cause it was the "right" and "healthy" thing to do. And I regret that. They didn't end up together anyway. Maybe if I'd followed through and kept it up... Anyway. Then she got into a long-distance relationship with this guy who she barely knew out of desperation, because he was convinced she was meant for him or something. I immediately felt it wouldn't work out, but as a month or so passed, I was finally beginning to accept it. Then, she messages me about how horny she was feeling, and I said "You have a boyfriend, calm down", and she said she had been single again for a while. "Benefits" came back, and so did the feelings, stronger than ever. Then she tried again with the guy from October because of whom I stopped things to begin with. And I was ready to finally move on. But that didn't work out either. It's like every time I think it might just be over, it isn't. She could have any guy she wants, but she never follows through. And then she comes back to me. I gotta tell her and get it over with. More and more I realise this. But that means she'll leave. Or at the very least, she'll put her guard up so much that she may as well. Either way, I'd lose the closest friend I have. And I just... don't wanna do that. I'd honestly rather suffer through this than lose her altogether. And I'm not leaving her myself. She would not see that coming, and it would hurt her a lot. I've promised I'd be there for her through thick and thin many times, and that is a promise I intend to keep. I can't do it now anyway. Both of us are suicidal for different reasons, and the shock from this level of drama might push one of us over the edge, so I'm not risking that for both our sanity. It's just not the time. But ultimately, I think I need to do something sooner rather than later. This has gone on long enough. But I just don't know what to do, or how to do it.... I just don't anymore.