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I need to vent

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mr.Medic, Oct 1, 2016.

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  1. Mr.Medic

    Mr.Medic New Member

    I should start by saying I don't really intend to post this, maybe I will, maybe I won't.

    I'm a university student in England, I've felt slightly down for a few years. The happier days aren't lasting so long any more. I thought maybe it was exam stress but now I'm not so sure. I'm lay on bed crying wondering why I'm so different to everyone else.

    I was diagnosed with mental health problems, namely Aspergers, some years ago. For those of you who don't know it's a lesser version of autism. I've always pushed it aside and tried to get on with my life. Alas, I find it incredibly hard to keep and maintain friendships and healthy relationships. Social awkwardness isn't exactly common of medical students, yet I'm often the one who's just stood there listening to the conversations of some of the people I call friends, I always end up on the outside of the circles created when dancing or whatever. Speaking online is a lot easier than in person, so I lack skills in social interaction, my conversations consist of 'hey, how are you?' 'What have you been up to?' But then I run out of things to say and ask, I can't see how people can continue conversations for hours on end - I find it physically impossible. I try to be social, I really do, it just always feels like nobody wants me so within a week I'll probably always end up in my room studying rather than going out. I'm often the one asking if I can 'come along' rather than being invited, leading me to feel as if I'm pestering. I haven't told anyone this, but once one of them told me to go back home as 'nobody wants you here' and to think my friend wondered why I didn't want to go out again last year which evidently doesn't help matters.

    I just feel like I'm invisible. It would be nice for someone to just come up to me and ask me how I am, how my weekend was, if I'm okay once in a while. I like people, both platonically and in a romantic sense but I'm never 'their type' or my throat dries up every time I try to talk to someone. I have few friends, things always start off well yet somehow I always seem to ruin things with each of them one by one so isolation is easier. Last year I paced the library wondering where would be best <mod edit - method> I'm not sure I'd ever go through with it but sometimes it just feels nice (I know that sounds horrible) to play it out in my head and consider who'd actually miss me. More often than not I conclude very little people.

    Many of you will probably have more serious problems, I'm not after any responses I just wanted so vent somewhere anonymously. I don't think I'll ever have the courage to do anything about these feelings, but they're still there niggling away at me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 1, 2016
  2. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I don't think your problems are any lesser than others. Social anxiety is something I dealt with my whole life and still do. I personally concluded that I was much happier to be alone by myself, just having one person in my life, with my pets, and not have to deal with other people. I always found myself, like you, being the one who asked to come along, always knowing I was being dismissed, and always being left out. I never quite fit in with any group of people. But even when I did tag along, I never felt comfortable and it made me feel like such a loser so I gave up. I spent a lot of time alone, and I'm okay with little to no human interaction. Though I do have a boyfriend, he's the only other human being in my life, so I do consider myself more fortunate than a lot of single people.

    You know, about 10 years ago, when I still felt the need for friendships, I actually went back to University to meet people. Silly and expensive! Of course, the benefit was education, but really, that was the only reason I went back - to find friends of like-minds and interests. I found all the people there to be so self-involved, or already in groups of friends. It just didn't work for me.

    I don't know what to suggest, maybe some others on the forum can help you out more, with ways they were able to find more meaningful relationships and friendships? I'm just happy to be a loner now. But I do get a lot of happiness by interacting on this forum anonymously, it feeds my need for social interaction but it's not forced and expected socialization like it would be in a "real life" friendship.
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  3. troubledmind

    troubledmind Well-Known Member

    I can't give you advice on how to better to communicate with others because I have some of the same problems you do.. I'm 60 years old and can't even even communicate with my daughter and granddaughter more than five minutes... I stay in my bedroom 24/7.. I have no friends or relationships.. I have been like this since my thirties... I do know one thing you will make friends here.. I have been gone from the forum for like four years and use to have alot of friends here.. Don't be afraid to just jump right in and talk to people.. Take care of your self and feel free to write me..
  4. theonesatinthecorner

    theonesatinthecorner In armour, I fight battles; I must win this war SF Supporter

    Hi Mr Medic

    How are you?

    I just wanted to check you are still with us here?

    University is very hard, and medicine is harder. I am not a medic student, I am however doing my psychology training. My current placement is in a unit working with older people with challenging behaviour. Beyond being exploited, and under pressure? Beyond feeling like you are a servant sometimes, not a medical professional? You are around constant abuse, swearing etc, under pressure, at risk (of violence, but also of infections), you work long hours, unsocial hours, you are surrounded by death and illness. Often, in my case for example, you're working with people who are chronically ill, and will not recover - and yet there is this expectation that you will make their life brilliant again, you'll cure them. It's difficult.

    I do not have Asperger's. I cannot advise on that front. I do however have borderline personality disorder (you may know it as emotionally unstable personality disorder). There's stigma attached to that, as I am sure you are aware. That makes making friends harder, harder than it already naturally is for me, because I find it difficult to socialise and make friends. I also feel like the spare part no one wants around.

    Yet you are not, and I am not.

    Why? Because sometimes though we may feel isolated, and alone, and more importantly, we may feel lonely. Sometimes it is about making our own luck. Making friends with people who are similar to us. Making friends with people who genuinely will appreciate our company, not those who tolerate it. With that in mind though, think very carefully before making rash decisions. I understand it is difficult for you to read people socially. However, really spend time to think about how your friends are with you. You'll always get people who are insufferable. Equally, there will be friends within your current social circle who love you. Its about finding them. Paranoid thoughts are difficult, because even when rational in ones paranoia, it is difficult to see what is paranoia and what is genuine. Especially when people have been so rude as to tell you to go home.

    I'd welcome someone like you in my social circle. So ignore what people say when they say things like that, they are making a deliberate attempt to make you feel bad, and I can already say Sir, you are better than to let them make you feel bad.

    Please, look at the positives.

    Message me any time you like. I'm here if you need support, even if you just need someone to rant to.

    Keep strong, keep fighting, stay alive.

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