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I need your opinions plz!!! (extremly long)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by FallingStar, Oct 22, 2008.

  1. FallingStar

    FallingStar Member

    Ok so me and my best friend Tray have been going through some things. Basically I am told he wants to be my friend but people are saying I am a psycho bitch about it and should leave him alone. And its turned into a huge mess and I was being threatned ANYWAYS I wrote him a message (to tray) appoligizing for it, I just wanted to know what you thought of it:

    OK...first off. I am very sorry about the shit I have caused. Sooo much has happened about me and my psychoness that I have no idea where to start on it, so I am just going to say SORRY for the whole damn thing, even though there are things I know that are not my fault!!! Still I will take the blame for it. Now...second off, yes I am ignoring you or atleast backing the hell off ALOT! I just can't take this anymore! And I am sure alot of other people can't either. See you are telling me one thing, Corey and Tina was telling me another, I heard a story from Eric about Alyssa and what she was saying about me supposedly, and then she ims me going off telling me something else!!! So I feel really overwhelmed and really super torn on what to believe. Cuz I want to belive that you are telling me the truth and I want to convince myself that if you did have a problem with me you would confront me. But, when I am being told you are a damn good liar then how am I honestly suppose to convience myself to what you say? Now this whole thing started when I texted you saying "what would you do if I randomly kissed you?" now, I agree I had no right to ask you that, I should of calmed down when I got jealous. But I obviously didnt! Cuz I don't know how to handle myself in situations like that. But honestly,seeing as I couldn't avoid what I did, I beleive you could of BY NOT TELLING TINA AND COREY WHAT I SAID TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!! I mean I think it's fine and I don't care about what you say to your friends but, could you of not waited till you disscussed it with me and let it get ressolved between us? (Sighs) I just don't care...I should of never texted you in the first place. People are saying you are trying to be my friend but I am just acting crazy about it. I wish you would disscuss these things with me, instead of them disscussin it with me. I am soo sick of people sugar coating things to try to make me happy. It has made my life alot worse and made me to be the person I am now. And I sure as hell am not proud of that. And once I finally convinced myself that you ARE telling me the truth about things, I find out that someone is telling people when I text you and what I say when I text you. That to me is very disrespectful, I don't want to blame you for anything but, either someone is reading your text messages or you are the one telling people what I say. And that is causing more unecassary drama, and I shouldnt be blamed for causing crap like that when all I text you is "HI" or something simple and stupid like that. I am super paranoid and very jealous. So I worry about what I say to you, I worry that when you say you are going to bed (earlier then normal) I worry that you are calling Corey and telling him all about what I just said to you. And I shouldn't get paranoid over that. I am not a good person and the sad thing is I haven't always been this way...people have seen me as a certain way and after a while I believed them...the more they said it the more I believed I was this person and I guess I figured that that IS the person people WANT me to be. So I am only the person that I thought people saw me as. I changed myself to make other people happy and I have been soo screwed up ever since. The truth is...I am depressed and suicidal...I do cut myself (started to). So I just laughed when you told me that you know people worse off then me. I mean I was thinking have you actually looked into my eyes and seen what I am now? I don't want you to feel sorry for me, that's the last thing I want, I just want to be honest with you, and that is all I have ever been and sadly that hasn't worked out as well as I planned. My friends kept telling me I need to be more open about who I am and express myself and learn to be honest. I did and now I am loosing friends left and right. But, the good news to all this is that I have changed. From all this shit going on starting with Shaun. Everyone trys to hurt me and all it has really done is make me stronger. I am happy now which is crazy to hear from what I just said. I feel like I can conquer the world. I actually have no emotions really, I just feel light and numb. I am hopefully going to a new school next year where no one knows me and I can start being the person I was before I started listening to people. And maybe even take a step foward and getting proffesional help. :D Who knows, what will or will not happen. And I think that is what I have to look foward to now. My only regrett was not seeing this before I screwed things up with you and Tina and my friend Madison and my friend Caitlin but, I honsetly don't see me seeing that with them as friends. Loosing friends like that has helped me and made me sad. It's such a odd feeling and I can't really describe it. I don't hate you Tray, and if you were telling me the truth all this time then somehow you have helped me without screwing me over and I will always smile when I think of that. And well if you did lie to me who the fuck cares? I am over it. Cuz we can't spend all our time feeling sorry for something we can't change, the best we can do is say we are sorry and be grateful for that. And I AM sorry. Whether or not you think I need to appoligize, I'm sorry.
    And BTW, Chelsie, I probably should of never intervened and never warned you. Cuz I know that she cheated on her last bf (they broke up after a 2 and half yr realtionship) and she kissed another guy (and she knew he had a gf). I am sure that realtionship would of lasted. But don't worry, that girl IS out there just for you. She is just looking for men in all the wrong places and she will come to you, just be patient and live life, don't wait, cuz you have to live sometime! And please smile every day. Cuz there IS more to life then you realize, sadly you just have to go through alot to realize it. :D

    ~nv (Sparkles)

    P.S. When you realize that I have changed and I am much better now then you come to me. I don't care about you enough to sit around and wait for a text message or a phone call from you that may never come.
    And if it doesn't come? Well you know that will just be alright with me!