I need...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sakura, May 12, 2007.

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  1. Sakura

    Sakura Well-Known Member

    I need to talk. I do. And I understand that fully. After years and years of silence, and keeping things bottled up, and more suicide attempts than I'm comfortable mentioning, I'm finally ready to talk with a therapist about it all. But I didn't trust them...or their meds...never believed that either of them ever worked...I still don't really trust meds...I think that their only purpose is to give you 'false' feelings of happiness and pleasure. But I'm straying from my point here...

    I need to talk.

    Unfortunantely, I can't afford to pay to see a therapist right now. And I don't forsee ever being able to see one in the near future. I've begun to open up to my friends...mainly my internet friends because I have better relations with them than my 'real life' friends. But no matter which friends I tell...I always feel as if I am burdening them with my problems.

    *Sigh* I don't even know why I'm doing this...maybe a last ditch effort to try to get some much needed help...I don't know...I'm rambling at this point ^^;

    All that I do know is that no one can help me really. The only person who can help me is me. I have to make the choice and the decision to continue living or not. And I'm tired...I'm just so tired of being the positive one...the one everyone else comes to to tell all of their problems to. I'm no good to any of them anymore. I'm the Admin of a site 3,000 members strong, and good friends with many of them...but I'm no good to any of them anymore. Heck...I'm no good to myself anymore...

    I'm sure that you all have seen, heard, and more than likely experienced all of this yourselves before:

    I'm tired...
    I'm sad...
    I'm lonely...
    I don't want to do this anymore...
    I can't deal with my life anymore...
    It's all just too much...
    I'm too messed up, and have too many problems, and issues to be able to continue on...

    It hurts...

    *Sigh* I'm just beyond tired now...I'm tired of daily trying to struggle on. I've tried so very hard...and for so many years...and I continue to try to convince myself that things will get better one day...that things can't remain bad forever...

    And I'm always proven wrong...

    Thanks for at least letting me ramble on about my problems. I'm sure that there are probably many of you I would have really liked to get to know better. But you all know how it is by now...I'm on the edge...the absolute very edge...and I can already see myself letting go, and being set free. I already know when and how...and I am full of that final resolve that you need to actually take that final step forward, to actually do it. So I guess that this is hello...and goodbye.

    Thank you all for at least taking the time to read this. I had promised myself that I would never write one of these posts here *sad laugh*
    But I guess that a part of each of us just wants someone to know why we would do it. Or at least someone who fully understood where you were coming from. And even if you don't know the circumstances...you were people who could at least understand better than most the deep, tearing, gut-wrenching pain that is my constant companion every single minute...of every single day.

    Thank you all again for at least reading. Keep up the excellent work with this site. You are all beautiful people who are doing wonderful, and amazing things for each other ^^

    Maybe one day...we shall all meet again in a different life...

    ~Shauna~
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 12, 2007
  2. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    Sometime when the journey to the end of the night is finished, you'll find the dawn. I've never seen it so when you get there drop a line.
     
  3. Sakura

    Sakura Well-Known Member

    Monday is the day...if I find the dawn...I'll find a way to let you know ^^
     
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