I needed a new method

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Pascaline, Feb 2, 2014.

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  1. Pascaline

    Pascaline New Member

    Hello to whoever reads this. Right now I'm pretty tightly wound and needed somewhere to be other than in my head. I am a 24-year-old female, a teacher, and currently working part-time at a bakery because my learning center laid me off due to lack of finances. I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder and clinical depression, and I am currently receiving therapy and medication.

    Unfortunately, nothing has been helping lately and right now I am in a bad home situation. To put it bluntly, I might be homeless by the end of the month because without a better job I can't meet the financial demands of my adopted father. Never mind that I babysit my youngest brother, clean the house, and do the cooking when I am home; if I can't earn money then I need to get out. I've been trying hard to find a job.

    I attempted suicide twice before, once when I was five and again when I was sixteen. I have contemplated suicide more then I can count. I was doing well for a while and then tonight was a breaking point. We had a family dinner with guests - in our house - and I wasn't allowed to eat. In the house I clean. The house I usually cook for. The $150 I make for the house with my part time job is good enough to take for house bills but doesn't get me a meal on the table. I felt cheap and worthless, and worst of all I feel as though my only worth as a human being is how much I can financially bring to the table.

    And while I'm lucky my adopted father is only verbally and emotionally abusive, that's not the case with my real parents. My mother was a drug addict, pathological liar, and physically and emotionally abusive. When I was in college she stole my identity and racked up thousands of dollars of debt in my name. I stopped speaking to her for years, only to resume because my brother begged me to, but it's only the occasional phone call.

    My biological father... has problems keeping his hands to himself, and says rather inappropriate things and tries to corner me when we're alone...which I try very hard not to ever be alone with him.

    So here I am, because while part of me wants to say 'screw it', I know a bigger part of me wants to try and work things out. I have helped talk friends out of suicide, and have helped my friends leave their abusive relationships, but when it comes to myself I get to a point where I'm at a loss.

    Writing this did help me feel better already, though.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Pascaline time for you hun to take care of YOU ok you call a womens shelter and get away from the toxic relationships you are having to endure. Your time is now ok you reach out and get on the path that will lead you to a new beginning hugs
  3. mindgonewrong

    mindgonewrong New Member

    other them parents im in a wimmular situation my meds and therapt arent working depression anexity ptsd im working on my own form of therapy simular to DBT if ur interested
  4. Fallingfast21

    Fallingfast21 Member

    Hey, it sounds like you're in a really tough situation - unfair doesn't even begin to sum it up. Good on you for writing it out though - I did the same thing for the first time the other day and I felt a little better having got it out of my head. It is also amazing how supportive people are here - I hope you find that too :)

    I am adopted and had a similar experience with my adopted dad as you did with your biological one. You are incredibly strong to even be able to have contact with him at all, and your brother is lucky to have a sister like you who would have contact with your mum after what she did (my adopted dad did put my adopted mum and I in a lot of debt due to gambling). Like others have said though, it's time to look out for you, because I am fast learning that no one else will do it for you... Check out emergency accommodation services in your area - they can help you with all sorts of things, including financial assistance and referrals to services that may help you to get on your feet and be independent in terms of housing etc. You deserve better than what you're experiencing right now - I don't think you will find a single person here who would say otherwise. I totally get what you mean about being able to help others much easier than yourself, but maybe the best way to help them at this point is to show them, lead by your example of the strength that you so obviously possess - let them support you for a change...

    I don't know, I just wish you all the best and hope you're doing ok :)
  5. justsomegirl

    justsomegirl Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry you are going through so much right now and are feeling so wound up. That is a lot to be dealing with all at once. I think you are very strong though for seeking out support and also for continuing to fight your way to a better place.

    I can completely, TOTALLY understand as I am in more or less the exact same situation (I have PTSD also). I mean, just so you know you aren't alone. Message me anytime if you'd like to talk. I hope you find some support, comfort and community here and that things ease up on you.
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