I needed to just say this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dizgrace, Oct 17, 2012.

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  1. dizgrace

    dizgrace Member

    I know my life hasn't been dealt as many crap hands as some people, I am fully aware how stupid I am being, but I find myself sitting there once a day or more crying. I can't even breathe, I go from being numb and superficial to literally lying there crying unable to function. At 19, i guess every teenager goes through shit, but I guess I'm too weak to deal with it. I'll try to sum this up and make it brief, please talk to me if you want to know more.

    My names Grace, I hate it, such a plain ordinary name. I always wanted to be called Jamie though, I'm bisexual and my girlfriend at the time preferred Grace so I went with it, wish I'd pushed it. I had a pretty good childhood, better than most. I don't want to brag or put someone down at all, it's just to explain my story. As a kid, I had a rose tinted view, and i'd give anything to have it back. Grew up in crummy Crawley, England, and we were poor. Like very poor, living off the cheapest tins we could scrounge poor, but we were happy. My parents were madly in love, they were a real life Romeo and Juliet in a way, they eloped behind their parents back at 27/28 because the families were kicking up a fuss, and living in that tiny house we learnt to make do and make the most of what we had. We then moved to Ashford in Kent, I was 7 at the time, and I made friends with all the kids on my estate, and we had so many adventures, I had a best friend called Samantha and we were inseparable. She practically lived in my room, her parents didn't treat her with respect and adored her baby sister so we basically adopted her, which kind of started off my emotional dependancy issues I guess, because I went from sharing a room with my sister to sharing a room with my best friend. I had such an ordinary normal life, great friends, the most amazing parents anyone could ever ask for, a good school which I was doing well in, i felt strong and on top of the world. Things weren't perfect, things never are, my sister and I argued every day 24/7, she is only one year older but acts as if she's 30 years older and from the day I was born she took it upon herself to mother me. No sisterly bonding time, no helping me get dressed up for first dates, no support, she just told me off for everything I did because she was so mature and couldn't relate to me. Thing is I adore her, I look up to her, and nowadays we can get on pretty well for a couple of hours at a time, more than one day in each other's company we start to bicker. I also have a step-hag from hell, she hates me. I was a typical child, I stood up for what I believed in and questioned things, but my sister was subservient and she adored her, so she made me hate my sister by constantly telling me I would never measure up to my sister Katie. She still does it -.-.

    When I was 14 things really turned bad for me, I'd started my secondary school and had an amazing class of people and my best friend Megan. I went to primary school with two amazing boys, one of which I still talk to today and is practically my big brother, Ben, and another boy Matt. Matt has an older brother Sam, who I met at one of Matt's birthday parties, and we got on like a house on fire. he's three years older, but when i met him i was 11 and he was 14 and we were so close for 3 years. I told him everything, we trusted each other, until i was 14. Matt had a girlfriend and we all went to stay at her house for a birthday bash. I was so bloody stupid and naive. Sam had offered to let me stay in his tent at the party as I didn't have one, and i trusted him so said yes. I also secretly hoped we'd end up kissing, i fancied him. Childhood crush. I'd stayed at matt's before, near sam, and we'd been fine, he seemed normal and kind and friendly, as always. We started dating in a way when I was 12, nothing serious just cinema mcdonalds sort of a thing, but before i ever went on my first date his dad died at 40 from a heart attack. We stayed friends after that, I helped him through it and we became very close, so even though i'd heard all of the warnings and stuff, he seemed completely different. I don't want to go into graphic detail as it upsets me, but i was drinking and someone there spiked my drink (not him) and then they hot pocketed the tent and matt's girlfriend and her mates forced me to take drugs and stuff, matt and sam had no idea. i didn't know where I was, it was horrible. i remember instances, minutes or so, but i remember everyone going to bed and sam and i staying in the tent. i remember collapsing in the corner and curling up, and sam came to look after me. he put the sleeping bag on me wrapped me up warm. He pulled me over to where his sleeping bag was and just help me because i was shivering. i must have gone to sleep for a while. woke up a bit later and he was still awake. we started talking, i remember him laughing then he leant in and kissed me. I got my kiss i was so happy. i remember us kissing for a while, i remember him putting his hands on me. i said stop and he did, and i curled over and went to sleep. the next thing i remember was him inside me. i only remember snippets, i remember trying to push him off but i couldn't co-ordinate myself and was so weak. I woke up the next morning and ran home. I told my sister, she was so amazing, she walked in to a family help clinic at 15 and asked for a pregnancy test and endured all the shaming looks of disapproval so I wouldn't have to, but luckily I wasn't. Sam tried to contact me the day i ran home, he has no memory of it. I never told anyone but my sister for years and I never prosecuted him, I knew he wasn't normally like it, it was just the alcohol and drugs, and I didn't want anything to do with him ever again.

    After that happened, I became very closed up and isolated. Got depressed, started self harming. To this day I can still see the cars, and the message i hate me carved into my hand. I felt ugly and pathetic. I started feeling like i was watching someone's life through a screen but not living it, and some days I still do now. It got so bad, my parents offered to put me up for care as they were worried they'd failed me as parents and couldn't help me. I was terrified of letting people in, and of all men. I wouldn't let a guy near me, i wouldn't be near one if i could help it, i feared them. I took up karate and became a black belt so I wouldn't ever be that weak again. and i lost two years of my childhood to him, hiding in my room. That's when I met Harriet.

    She started at my school when I was 16, just entering sixth form, and i fell in love with her from the moment i set eyes on her. Megan introduced us two weeks after I saw her the first day of school as they had a class together, and she was perfect. She made me start living again. The first time we kissed was heaven, she made me want to start trying with things again, and i surprised myself. She was joking around and saying i dare someone to kiss me, and puckered her lips, so i walked straight over there and kissed her. In public, in front of everyone at school. I then ran away in shock at what i'd done thinking she would hate me, and the next thing i knew she grabbed me from behind, spun me round and kissed me so passionately that i couldn't breathe. We became inseparable after that. I adored her, every fiber of her, her blue eyes, her gorgeous smile, her amazing body, her funny personality, they way she looks when she doesn't realise anyone is looking, her outlook on life. My life revolved around her. Life was so close to perfect it was untrue. On my birthday I proposed to her, we'd only been dating for a few months but i knew this was right. I wish i could describe every second with her, but i would be here forever. She was my fiancee, my world, my rock, my reason, and i never saw it coming.

    She'd only moved in with me and my family for half a year, and i never saw anything wrong, things just seemed to be getting better and better. I was trying again at school and my grades were improving, I was looking into universities and planning my future wedding. On my results day, she came into the school with me, but something wasn't right. I had no idea. She left me, she packed up and took all her stuff and was gone in one second. This was 18th August 2011. I didn't think anyone could produce so many tears, but from that moment on i mentally died.

    I found out what i thought was the real reason a few days later. She told me she wanted a sex change. My gorgeous amazing girlfriend hated herself. There is a lot of backstory about this but it's not my place to say as it's her story. But when she told me, i panicked. I felt helpless. Things escalated, and in the heat of things we said things we shouldn't and as she tried to walk past me she nudged me too much and i fell down the stairs, badly smacking my head on the ground and twisting my leg. I said it was a disease. A disease!?! To this day ive never ever forgiven myself, i don't believe it in any way shape or form and have no problem with people with sex changes, i just hated how much she hated the one thing i truly treasured. I had to watch her walk away, it haunts me, i still have nightmares about it.

    Things just went from bad to worse, i was already missing my sister who has moved out to go to university, then i lost my fiancee, and then i lost my family. My perfect almost Romeo and Juliet family. The rose tinted glasses came off. They're selling our house and moving into separate houses sometime after christmas they hope. The thing is they still love each other. They've just can't remember how to connect, my mum wants my dad to be more emotional, and my dad wants my mum to be more physical, basically their entire relationship has come to a stalemate. I hope them taking a break and renting places for a while can make them refocus, i know its selfish but im not ready to lose my family, and if you'd ever met them you'd know how perfect they are together.

    I'm now at university in London, with no home to go back to, missing the friends I left behind in Ashford and feeling completely alone most of the time.

    I've met a new guy called Fraser. It happened so unexpectedly, i met him through a friend of a friend a year or so after me and Harri split and he's so nice and funny and i feel safe with him. We met playing pool and we were joking about how we were better than the other person though we were both terrible, and we just never stopped talking. I moved into his house when my parents were arguing constantly as I couldn't handle being around it, it was like living on the Titanic knowing it was going to sink but not sure when. It's still strange for me, having to deal with being close to a guy after what happened, and sometimes i freak out and burst into tears or lash out, but he completely gets where i'm coming from and it's nice. He is so amazing, our first kiss was unbelievable. I was staying at his and we were watching Tim Minchin and i was laughing at something funny and when I turned round, Fraser was just staring at me with this cute smile on my face, just watching me laugh. He just leant over and kissed me. It was so nice, he loved me just for being me. The next day I was staying on another friend's sofa, so i didn't see him, and he seemed so normal I thought the kiss hadn't meant as much to me as it did to him. The day after that however, we met at the pub with two of his mates, and he just put his arm around me and i was in shock. I looked up at him and he kissed me, right in front of his friends without being ashamed or anything, and when we standing outside I said i had to go, and he just instantly turned round and asked his friends to look away, and before i knew what was happening he's picked me up in his arms and kissed me. Picked me up! :) He made me feel safe, even though i was afraid of guys still he seemed to be the one exception. I'm so happy with him, I'm getting worried though, we're still so young and I learnt after Harry to live while you're young, but i think he's ready to get married and settle whereas im not anymore. we shall see. The weirdest thing has happened though, i'm back in contact with Harry, but i'm so confused.

    After Harri left, i tried desperately to get her back but she shut me out and was with someone else for a while, so i had to suppress my feelings for her. They never stopped or wavered, i just thought they'd never be reciprocated again. It was like she had died, and as much as you love them, part of you knows you have to move on. And i slowly started building a life for myself again, but this time it didn't revolve around anyone but myself, and then i met Fraser. Harry (he is still going ahead with the sex change and is now legally referred to as a man) and I bumped into each other one day and started texting again, and I found out what had really happened. Harriet had lost touch with herself, she was a man in a woman's body and was very depressed, and on my results day she stupidly thought she was holding me back from my life, so she gave me up. She wanted me to go on and have a full and successful life, and she thought I wouldn't have that with her because I'd be dealing with her problems. She was so selfless and kind, and after she left she went off the rails. She lost her job, started seeing an abusive girl because she thought it was what she deserved, and became suicidal. Just like me.

    I forgot to say that when I was in the hospital in October 2011 after my spinal surgery, i overdosed. I couldn't deal with the pain of losing her, it was totally unintentional, i just wanted the pain to stop, but i kept taking higher levels and doses of painkillers. I was on a manually controlled morphine drip and i kept pressing the button to keep giving me morphine to numb myself. I collapsed and when I woke up the drip was gone, i'd been put on controlled oral tablets and they kept an eye on me. They didn't realise fully it was an overdose, they believed i'd become dependent on it and they were trying to take me off it, so now i had to deal with the pain of losing my fiancee and having my spine drilled into.

    Anyway, back to Harry. She was just as heartbroken and empty without me as i was without her, and I had had no idea for the year or so we lost contact. He still loves me, and i still love him, but i also love Fraser. Fraser knew about him (her), and he knew i still loved harry but had had to bury my feelings for him and had moved on. Like i said, it was like Harriet had died, and now Harry has walked into the picture. I get butterflies when i see harry, but i don't know whether they are residual feelings from when i was with Harriet :/. I still shout his name in my sleep and have nightmares about the day he left. I'm in love with two people, and I feel terrible about it. For me harriet had died, harry was never meant to be part of my life again, and me moving on and meeting Fraser isn't wrong. It's like the film Truly Madly Deeply with Alan Rickman and Juliet Stevenson. I don't want to hurt either of them, but I love them both! AHH!

    I don't expect any responses, if i do that would be nice, but i just needed to just write this all down, even if it's just a brief summary of everything and only covers the main bad points and not the smaller problems. My friend told me it's better to get things out, even if it's just writing them down, instead of holding everything in and bottling it up. I do feel a bit better now. Maybe I'll be able to sleep tonight. Without any nightmares hopefully xxx
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Jamie...I am so sorry for how you feel...you sound so insightful and sensitive...please make sure, you fill up yourself with your own love and compassion...at any age, that is the easiest vantage point to decide who you truly care about and who will be best for you...I also think it is important to work on the past so that the present is clearer. Maybe there is someone you can talk to. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing
  3. dizgrace

    dizgrace Member

    Hi Sadeyes,

    Thank you so much for your reply, I am trying to do exactly what you said, and after posting last night I felt so much clearer and level headed. I ended up talking to Harry and I believe what I feel are just residual feelings, so I've told him we are just friends and I am sticking by Fraser. Fraser has been so amazing to me and I love him dearly, whatever Harry's reasons were he still left and I've now moved on, we have separate lives, and I don't want to go back to the past, I can't change it and there's no point regretting it. Fraser has been helping so much, the nightmares are starting to stop which is good, I will always live with some guilt but hopefully a more controlled version, and fingers crossed my parents can come back together again. And I've started smiling again properly since being with him :).
  4. saiyukicloud

    saiyukicloud Member

    Talking helps. It helps us face what we are thinking about since we are thinking about it and typing it down. While we may not be able to solve your relationship problems, we can offer advice or a listening ear. So just keep posting about your life. :)
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