So... Basically, I haven't even been on here for awhile. Because I felt as if I was doing fine. But, with everything that's recently come up; I can't help but begin to break down. & It's making my thoughts wander into remembering things in my past, things I don't want to remember. Anyways, this might get long.
To start off, my mother. Biggest problem in my life probably at this point. Selfish, selfish, selfish. That's all she is; & I'm not the only one who believes it, basically everyone who knows her, except for herself, seems to see it. Anyways, since I was nine.. or ten? She's been in & out of the hospital, depression & all that jazz. Don't get me wrong, I can't judge her for that; I go through being depressed & thoughts as such. But, when she sits there & tells me I need to put aside my feelings, for my responsibilities; then herself throws her own out the window to go to the hospital. It's been a hassle all this time, seeing as my parents are divorced. When I was younger, we had to stay with family 'friends', people who always seemed to adore my brother for being the younger child; while I got everything thrown on me. Everything from chores, to what was going on with my mother. He's sheltered, completely thanks to her; he's a follower, just like her. I don't like my brother, at all; but, being as how he is still my brother, a part of me does love & worry about him. He's just like her in so many ways, follower; getting involved with the wrong people; dramatic; overly emotional; etc.
asoidjasjkd. Anyways, I got kinda' sidetracked. She's in the hospital, yet again. Now, I'm stuck basically babysitting my fifteen year old brother, who I'm two years older than; because, my dad doesn't really trust him alone anymore. Whether it's if he's actually eating everything, nothing, not sleeping, whatever. But, I'm the one left here to babysit basically. No, I'm not in school, but that still doesn't mean it sucks & doesn't add a weight-filled bag of stress to my shoulders, which it does. Especially since, this always adds more debt to her list of debts; Debts she has in the first place, since she does do drugs. [Yeah, she thinks I'm stupid & don't realize she didn't actually give it up.]
It also upsets me, that she promised she wouldn't go in again; though, I shouldn't expect better from it, since she's promised before. She always goes back in again, always. &We are like... Middle-Lower class, we can barely afford food & stuff. Honestly, my whole life it's been a shock that I haven't actually lived on the streets, though alot of the time it's come close, usually thanks to her. No, I'm not trying to blame her for my life problems.. Though, I do see alot of them as her fault. I just, I dunno'. I'm kind of sick of it all. She's said she goes in for suicidal thoughts, twice she's actually accused me of being the reason; loving, right? But, if she REALLYREALLY wanted to kill herself so badly, wouldn't she..? I mean, part of me wants to just reach out & hug her, even though at this point I can't stand her anymore; but the other part of me just wants to scream; DO IT ALREADY, JUST DO IT.
Since, Yeah, she has threatened me ; using what I say & do as reason behind it.
Done with talking about her.
Now, onto love/romance/relationships/friendships. All that good, overly dramatic, teenage crap. Right now, I am in a completely horrible situation. I became friends with a guy; who I also started to like. my friend said she USED to like; because, even though she's had chances to ask him out, [her excuse being he didn't ask her out, yet she tells me to ask people out if i like them.] Then, him & I fake dated, to get his crazyass ex off of his case & wanting to get with him for being single, because for awhile he was too nice to just kick her out of his life. In between that fake dating, I started to like him; He started to like me too. & wouldn't you know it, All of a sudden, she likes him 'STILL'. Because, she starts getting jealous; & this is without her knowing we like each other, & before we know we like each other. So, we finally fake breakup, something we learned the next night; we both wanted to become real. But, thanks to her, it's now impossible it seems. Because, yeah, he likes her too; ALOT. & It sucks, majorly.
I mean, when she found out I liked him; She told me to go for it, to ask him out, blahblahblah. I realized, I couldn't do that to her with how much she seems to like him 'STILL', because I love her to death. So she goes & talks to him ,trying to get him with me. Which starts all this other shit & this is after I told her just to back out of it. So, then it turns to me telling him just to choose whichever of us, because it's his choice really; her & I don't want to lose our friendship, & apparently, we can't decide between the two of us. & yeah, I told her how she basically bounces back & forth between liking him & not. Because one second it's, 'Oh , whatever. Just ask him out. I'll never get a shot.' To; 'I'm single, but my heart is taken. Blahblahblah.' & All that other jazz. & then, after I ranted to her about the shit she was pulling. She decided, after I told her to just let him decide, that she would try talking to him AGAIN. When the first time, it was already a bad idea. So, that caused a hell of a lot of drama today. Leaving everyone confused, not sure of what's going to happen. Though, chances are, he'll still pick her; & I may not have been there as long, but I sure as hell have listened to every word he's told me. I was there through his ex, his brother dying, all this shit. She KINDA was there, an on & off there. So anyways, I spaced for a second & forgot where I was. He still seems to like me more than he says, which I'm the same way ; I like him more than I'll say. Him & I, a hell of alot in common; don't argue, & are easily able to talk to each other. Her & him, argue ALL the time. Have almost nothing in common, & usually come to me to be the mediator. Don't get me wrong, I want them both to be happy. But, at the same time; there is a part of me dying to be with him. Because, don't I deserve to be happy too? She's always in & out of relationships, I've been in few; Loved ONCE. & Honestly, she still only seems to be thinking of herself, when the whole situation, all I've been doing is thinking of her feelings. How it's affecting/hurting/taking it's toll on HER. But, does she think of me? Maybe for a second if I tell her what the hell she's doing. But, that's it.
At this point, if he gets with anyone, I can see it being her. Because, with all the stress that seems to be piling up, I feel like I'm losing my goddamn mind & I probably seem totally unstable. When she's the one crying, threatening to drink, screaming about how it's all her fault, blahblahblah; Yeah, awesome.
Eh, anyways. Enough of romanceshiz. Friend part. Since a major case of depression a few months ago, where I rarely left my bed for about two/three weeks, didn't leave the house unless basically dragged; I've lost friends. At LEAST a few majorly good ones, ones I didn't want to lose for anything. First, it just seemed like drifting & we'd say Imissyou alot. But, did we do anything about it? No. Not one bit. Now, it aches me to see [this is about one friend, sorry. i'll prolly' switch on & off.] her online, or her name in my phone. I try to get the courage to IM her, but what do I say? I miss you? We've done that. Repeatedly. It doesn't do anything, we don't do anything. She helped me survive through when I started cutting again, she helped me survive period.& I helped her through alot, then she just.. goes & replaces me on top of all this. Best friend, to 'Who's that?' it seems.
Then, there's another friend. Where, yeah, I get it, it's her life. But, she keeps promising me she's done with these stupidass people who keep making her constantly cry, because they keep screwing her over. & then I go & find out, she's talking to them again, friends with them again. & all cool; While her & I are barely talking, yet I'm one of the only people she trusts, I'm one of the only people she comes to when something's wrong. How in the hell does that work? ASJhdajskdhKAJSDhsa.
Kay, I'm done with friend & shiz.
Done with venting, for now.
All this helped, a little.
I think.
For now.
Sorry it got so long.
To start off, my mother. Biggest problem in my life probably at this point. Selfish, selfish, selfish. That's all she is; & I'm not the only one who believes it, basically everyone who knows her, except for herself, seems to see it. Anyways, since I was nine.. or ten? She's been in & out of the hospital, depression & all that jazz. Don't get me wrong, I can't judge her for that; I go through being depressed & thoughts as such. But, when she sits there & tells me I need to put aside my feelings, for my responsibilities; then herself throws her own out the window to go to the hospital. It's been a hassle all this time, seeing as my parents are divorced. When I was younger, we had to stay with family 'friends', people who always seemed to adore my brother for being the younger child; while I got everything thrown on me. Everything from chores, to what was going on with my mother. He's sheltered, completely thanks to her; he's a follower, just like her. I don't like my brother, at all; but, being as how he is still my brother, a part of me does love & worry about him. He's just like her in so many ways, follower; getting involved with the wrong people; dramatic; overly emotional; etc.
asoidjasjkd. Anyways, I got kinda' sidetracked. She's in the hospital, yet again. Now, I'm stuck basically babysitting my fifteen year old brother, who I'm two years older than; because, my dad doesn't really trust him alone anymore. Whether it's if he's actually eating everything, nothing, not sleeping, whatever. But, I'm the one left here to babysit basically. No, I'm not in school, but that still doesn't mean it sucks & doesn't add a weight-filled bag of stress to my shoulders, which it does. Especially since, this always adds more debt to her list of debts; Debts she has in the first place, since she does do drugs. [Yeah, she thinks I'm stupid & don't realize she didn't actually give it up.]
It also upsets me, that she promised she wouldn't go in again; though, I shouldn't expect better from it, since she's promised before. She always goes back in again, always. &We are like... Middle-Lower class, we can barely afford food & stuff. Honestly, my whole life it's been a shock that I haven't actually lived on the streets, though alot of the time it's come close, usually thanks to her. No, I'm not trying to blame her for my life problems.. Though, I do see alot of them as her fault. I just, I dunno'. I'm kind of sick of it all. She's said she goes in for suicidal thoughts, twice she's actually accused me of being the reason; loving, right? But, if she REALLYREALLY wanted to kill herself so badly, wouldn't she..? I mean, part of me wants to just reach out & hug her, even though at this point I can't stand her anymore; but the other part of me just wants to scream; DO IT ALREADY, JUST DO IT.
Since, Yeah, she has threatened me ; using what I say & do as reason behind it.
Done with talking about her.
Now, onto love/romance/relationships/friendships. All that good, overly dramatic, teenage crap. Right now, I am in a completely horrible situation. I became friends with a guy; who I also started to like. my friend said she USED to like; because, even though she's had chances to ask him out, [her excuse being he didn't ask her out, yet she tells me to ask people out if i like them.] Then, him & I fake dated, to get his crazyass ex off of his case & wanting to get with him for being single, because for awhile he was too nice to just kick her out of his life. In between that fake dating, I started to like him; He started to like me too. & wouldn't you know it, All of a sudden, she likes him 'STILL'. Because, she starts getting jealous; & this is without her knowing we like each other, & before we know we like each other. So, we finally fake breakup, something we learned the next night; we both wanted to become real. But, thanks to her, it's now impossible it seems. Because, yeah, he likes her too; ALOT. & It sucks, majorly.
I mean, when she found out I liked him; She told me to go for it, to ask him out, blahblahblah. I realized, I couldn't do that to her with how much she seems to like him 'STILL', because I love her to death. So she goes & talks to him ,trying to get him with me. Which starts all this other shit & this is after I told her just to back out of it. So, then it turns to me telling him just to choose whichever of us, because it's his choice really; her & I don't want to lose our friendship, & apparently, we can't decide between the two of us. & yeah, I told her how she basically bounces back & forth between liking him & not. Because one second it's, 'Oh , whatever. Just ask him out. I'll never get a shot.' To; 'I'm single, but my heart is taken. Blahblahblah.' & All that other jazz. & then, after I ranted to her about the shit she was pulling. She decided, after I told her to just let him decide, that she would try talking to him AGAIN. When the first time, it was already a bad idea. So, that caused a hell of a lot of drama today. Leaving everyone confused, not sure of what's going to happen. Though, chances are, he'll still pick her; & I may not have been there as long, but I sure as hell have listened to every word he's told me. I was there through his ex, his brother dying, all this shit. She KINDA was there, an on & off there. So anyways, I spaced for a second & forgot where I was. He still seems to like me more than he says, which I'm the same way ; I like him more than I'll say. Him & I, a hell of alot in common; don't argue, & are easily able to talk to each other. Her & him, argue ALL the time. Have almost nothing in common, & usually come to me to be the mediator. Don't get me wrong, I want them both to be happy. But, at the same time; there is a part of me dying to be with him. Because, don't I deserve to be happy too? She's always in & out of relationships, I've been in few; Loved ONCE. & Honestly, she still only seems to be thinking of herself, when the whole situation, all I've been doing is thinking of her feelings. How it's affecting/hurting/taking it's toll on HER. But, does she think of me? Maybe for a second if I tell her what the hell she's doing. But, that's it.
At this point, if he gets with anyone, I can see it being her. Because, with all the stress that seems to be piling up, I feel like I'm losing my goddamn mind & I probably seem totally unstable. When she's the one crying, threatening to drink, screaming about how it's all her fault, blahblahblah; Yeah, awesome.
Eh, anyways. Enough of romanceshiz. Friend part. Since a major case of depression a few months ago, where I rarely left my bed for about two/three weeks, didn't leave the house unless basically dragged; I've lost friends. At LEAST a few majorly good ones, ones I didn't want to lose for anything. First, it just seemed like drifting & we'd say Imissyou alot. But, did we do anything about it? No. Not one bit. Now, it aches me to see [this is about one friend, sorry. i'll prolly' switch on & off.] her online, or her name in my phone. I try to get the courage to IM her, but what do I say? I miss you? We've done that. Repeatedly. It doesn't do anything, we don't do anything. She helped me survive through when I started cutting again, she helped me survive period.& I helped her through alot, then she just.. goes & replaces me on top of all this. Best friend, to 'Who's that?' it seems.
Then, there's another friend. Where, yeah, I get it, it's her life. But, she keeps promising me she's done with these stupidass people who keep making her constantly cry, because they keep screwing her over. & then I go & find out, she's talking to them again, friends with them again. & all cool; While her & I are barely talking, yet I'm one of the only people she trusts, I'm one of the only people she comes to when something's wrong. How in the hell does that work? ASJhdajskdhKAJSDhsa.
Kay, I'm done with friend & shiz.
Done with venting, for now.
All this helped, a little.
I think.
For now.
Sorry it got so long.
