I never got a chance at life.

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Passion, Jul 5, 2008.

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  1. Passion

    Passion Well-Known Member

    being abused as a child and throughout my life, I feel like I never got a chance at life.
    its unfair.
    no one i know has gone through abuse, and it always makes me feel alone. no one understands what its like.
    I cant trust men, i dont think anyone can possibly love me, if they say they do I think they are lying and just want to hurt me. if someone makes a sudden movement i think they are going to hit me, i have the worst anxiety because im afraid if i say the wrong thing someone will hit me. I have really bad relationship problems. i have severe paranoia; I can't walk home alone, if i hear a sound outside i think it could be an ex looking for me and i grab my mace and curl into a little ball in the corner of my room until i feel safe again.
    and when i try to talk to people about it, no one listens. its too much for anyone to hear. they say i shouldnt care, that it was the past and its over, they dont get it. I feel so so so alone sometimes.
    all I want is to meet someone with a similar past that understands me.
     
  2. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    i'm here to tell ya i can totally relate to ya. i was abused so much it's pathetic and this goes as far back as i can recall. that would be five years old. i did marry once but i divorced 7 yrs ago and i never want anything to do with another man again. that is the understatement. please feel free to pm me. we can stay in touch. please take care
     
  3. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    I can totaly undarstand!
    I was psychologicly abused for so long!
    I am 23 years old today - and my dad is still abusing me
    I cant leave the house, becouse i am unable to work and support myself
    I lost most of the teenage memory, I dont remember anything...
    When i walk outside, i jump from every noice, its a nightmare!
    it took me 20 years (!!) of my life to overcome my fear of the dark.

    :sad:
     
  4. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    It seems like you feel very vulnerable. Have you through of taking self-defense classes or doing something empowering which would make you feel more in control?
     
  5. Epical Taylz

    Epical Taylz Well-Known Member

    that seems like it could be a good idea :)
     
  6. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Thanks Taylor :) I really do think that if you do something like that to take control of your life, you will feel much better. I have seen classes such as TRS (total response system) in which a 95 pound woman took a gun away from a 250 pound assailant and turned it on him to save her life simply by using joint manipulation. Strength and size have nothing to do with it. Something like this may make you feel very safe because it actually WILL make you safer and more able to defend yourself. It might enable you to have some peace of mind.
     
  7. Blueberry

    Blueberry Active Member

    I took a self-defence class offered by the local sherrif's dept. after I was attacked -- it really helped.
     
  8. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    I'm naturally shy and with my childhood experiences I became and have remained severely socially phobic. My brother and I were beaten viciously virtually every day in my house. Thousands of times I endured the helpless experience of seeing my Father begin to become enraged and trying to say and do anything to stop his anger from escalating into a horrible beating.


    I'm forty one now and my senses are always heightened and on alert. I cannot take any loud noise, even a loud speaking voice and I still can flinch from an innocent hand gesture. Unless I know and can implicitly trust a person I am interacting with I still expect to be criticized and demeaned for who I am or what I think. I find myself always trying to please and be accepted to the point of being taken advantage of.


    Passion, I hope you don't reach my age still suffering the after effects of abuse as I do. Maybe because I became stricken with OCD, Major Depression and GAD at age fourteen the experiences tend to self perpetuate. I hope you get relief from your inner pain. :smile:
     
  9. lavendR23

    lavendR23 Active Member

    I know how you feel. I've been very much like that lately. Most of the time I make it through life. I live primarily in my own head and keep to myself. I have a few people that I talk to but even they don't get it, they don't try to tell me that I should get over it, and I appreciate that.

    I was psychologically abused by my mother, which is hard because she's not the same anymore and now it feels like I'm supposed to forget it. Whenever she was frustrated with the world, she'd take it out on me by picking on something like "leaving crumbs on the counter" or "a wet towel on the floor" and it would turn into a 20 min long tirade of how I was a "self-centered spoiled child that didn't care about anyone else" and then we'd see people outside the family and she'd tell them how wonderful, responsible and smart I was.

    at the the same time I was molested by my brother and I didn't tell anyone because there was always this "take care of you own problems" theme in my family. It would have been easy if my family had been a Lifetime channel villian family, but they weren't. Everything else seemed normal.
    I ended up running away from home to escape it, and then got molested by a man who threatened to "beat me to death". For some reason I found it in me to struggles so he threw me out of the car and I avoided being raped. I was 12 years old and that was my first kiss (sigh)

    but I can't feel like I can trust anyone. I also can't stand looking at myself sometimes. Just a glance in a mirror, and all I see is fat and ugly. I don't know if its real or just my mind. I feel used up. I feel like I've missed everything good and I get incredibly angry or suicidal.
    but I don't tell anyone because I they'll just tell me to "stop feeling that way", or have me tell myself some ridiculous affirmation about being a good person which I will have to fake just to make everyone else feel better. or worse, they'll put me on some crappy medication that will just worsen my situation. there's nothing wrong with my brain, there's something wrong with the world.
    but they'll just have you take a pill so they don't have to admit it.

    I hope telling you this makes you feel less alone and doesn't make you feel worse. Your'e not crazy. Most people just don't want to see how many people suffer for the injustices in the world, all so a few people can get to live blissfully ignorant.

    I wish I had an answer. It seems I've tried almost everything.
    but at least I'm still here.
     
  10. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    :hug: Passive.
    I can relate to this thread. Those people just don't want to hear what you're going through. It's got nothing to do with you, more them.

    I wanted to say has anyone tried dark glasses? I found it helps block off things a lot and I feel a lot safer, less tense like my head is going to explode.
     
  11. First off let me start by saying I feel for you. I have known people who have been abused. No-one should have to go through with that. But the thing is is that not all men are like that. Everyone on this forum is here for you. I wish you the best of luck.
     
  12. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    only idiots say "I'm over it". I'm sorry, shit I wish i could help. If you wanna talk feel free to contact me on MSN (my useranem @gmail.com). or aim, just my username. be.
     
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