I never thought I would be this person.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shainanigan, Jul 25, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Shainanigan

    Shainanigan New Member

    I'm a 24-year-old female who is on her last semester of college. This December I'll be getting a bachelor's degree. I have a great internship that is probably going to lead to a job once I graduate. I'm married and I have three step-children. You would think that I would be a happy person, but I'm just not.

    I've had problems with paranoia and OCD ever since I was a kid. I'm pretty much unbearable to be around - I get angry too much, I have nervous breakdowns and I verbally lash out at the people who are closest to me - such that I don't have much in the way of friendships, and my marriage is falling apart.

    A few months into our engagement, my then-fiancee was caught in a huge lie that I won't elaborate. While I still loved him and moved forward with the wedding eventually, i went through a depressive stage where all I wanted to do was end it. I'd abused pills and I'd "scratched" in the past when I was upset, but this time it was different. I felt like this huge failure in school, at home and now with my fiancee. And the more we fought, the meaner he got. Due to his first marriage with a crazy abusive woman, he puts up shields at the slightest thing and gets so defensive, there is no hearing me. Even when I told him what I wanted to do, he told me that he didn't believe me and that I was doing it for show.

    That hit a huge button with me and I decided, hell, if I'm that pathetic, maybe I should just do it.

    Fortunately for me, the only thing that saved me that night was squeamishness and not knowing how to cut with an xacto knife. I broke the skin for the first time, but not nearly enough to kill myself. At that time though, it felt like I'd done a lot.

    Since then, I've had a lot of cutting episodes. Once I took a bottle of vodka and downed it with some sprite, and cut so deep there are still some huge scars from it to this day. Every time I think I'm doing better, some series of bullcrap happens and I'm right back to feeling like there's no hope.

    As for this wonderful life I have for myself? Here are some of the things that trigger my episodes:

    I commute an hour and a half to my university for classes. I'm a perfectionist and missing even one class gets me so agitated because I know I'll miss something important. Needless to say, it's sooo easy for me to miss due to the sheer travel I have to accomplish just to get there. I have a horrible alarm that rarely goes off when it is supposed to, and my car is on its last leg and breaks down constantly, so I'm always missing classes because of it. I've gotten physically sick before worrying that I'll flunk out and not get my degree because we'll run out of money trying to get me there.

    We are low-income and live in a horrible HUD apartment. Our landlord is neglectful and never fixes anything, and allows anything to go on so long as the place "looks okay". We have neighbors who abuse drugs, prostitute themselves... we've even had members of the Mexican Mafia show up in our front yard before. The cops ignore pretty much any call we put in because they are constantly being called over there. The neighbor kids are horrible too... to the point where I dare not go out alone at night, leave my car door unlocked or leave anything of value outside (I won't even hang up potted plants. They will ruin or steal ANYTHING). We have had neighbors try to break in and since we have no alarm system and can't get one, I'm pretty much screwed. Our window pops right out of the frame so I'm a sitting duck. To top it off, my husband works nights so I'm here alone three nights a week... which I LOVE for my quality alone time but hate for safety reasons.

    My oldest stepson is a nightmare. The neighborhood punks I referred to earlier? He's one of the worst ones. He has a horrible attitude problem like he's the only one that matters, and he has done pretty much everything bad there is for a kid to do - cut, drink, lie, steal and drugs... we found a pipe in his bedroom last week and do you want to know what HIS FATHER did about it? Nothing. He is basically allowed to do whatever he wants and since he's not my kid, I don't feel much in the way of power to stop him. And if my husband thought any more of me, I wouldn't feel this way.

    My husband is no help and is the source of a lot of my anxiety. When I get into crisis, he just blows up too and more often than not makes me want to hurt myself even more. In fights he's always playing the blame game and making me feel like I'm the only problem in our relationship even though he has gone back on promises and been caught in multiple lies in the past (and some of it is VERY recent, too).

    Because of my OCD, I like things a certain way. No one else could give a shit though, so I'm always cleaning up behind everyone else, including my husband. And while they have gotten better with helping me, I think having to share space and compromise on this has been overly stressful. This is completely unfair, but I've had a horrible time trying to show that to myself.

    To top everything else off, I'm a closeted bisexual who just came out to her husband in the middle of a HUGE argument. His earliest reaction (which wasn't good at all but I will say has gotten better since we've calmed down about that fight in particular) combined with it being out there and SOMEONE knowing has caused me more anxiety over this past week than I've ever felt before in my life.

    Right now, the only thing I have going for me is my companion animal: a 5-pound lop rabbit. I got her back in December and whenever I've felt those feelings of wanting to self-harm, picking her up has been great therapy for me. She always calms me down. But - wonder of wonders - my landlord HATES animals and doesn't allow them in the apartments. Since she is so neglectful and everyone else has a pet anyway (secretly of course... but they hide it horribly), I went ahead and bought her. They do inspections constantly now though since they've caught wind that there are animals being hidden, so I'm constantly having to hide her.

    Honestly, if I could leave, I would. Unfortunately, due to my full school load and my unpaid internship, it will be at least three months before I could have time for a paying job that would pay for rent in a one-bedroom apartment somewhere. I've tried going to stay with my parents, but even there I don't get that closed off space that I need right now, and I feel like a leech.

    I just feel so trapped right now and I don't know where else to turn. Sometimes ending it is the only option I can think about, and I just obsess over it until I start crying about how life is so unfair that DYING is the only way out of it. I'm so tired of worrying about what illegal bullcrap my stepson is going to bring around us next, what lie I'm going to catch my husband in next, what his ex-wife is going to demand once we get out from under the government and we can stand on our own two feet. She is such a horrible woman and the thoughts of having to write a child support check (I've checked my state laws and yes, I WOULD have to pay her child support) makes me want to just give up on my dream career. What's the point when someone else can just swoop in and take it all? And EVERY SINGLE TIME we make any kind of extra money saved up, something swoops in to take it away... some emergency medical bill or my car tearing up or something. It feels like I can't win ANYWHERE and I'm just everyone's bitch. I don't know why I let my life get this way and I don't know how I'm going to get myself back out.

    Anyway, that's my sad, pathetic tale. If anything, it felt good typing it out.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    ARe you being treated for your Ocd your depression hun if not perhaps it is time to get help if so perhaps it is time for a medicaiton change Right now you need to look after YOU and you alone ok until you are stable your relationships will suffer hugs
  3. Shainanigan

    Shainanigan New Member

    First off, thank you so much for your reply. I've spoken over the phone with counselors and I've set up appointment after appointment. I think the biggest thing is admitting that I need the help to start with. Like, once I finally go in to get help, it confirms that I really am crazy and unstable. I already know it's true, I just don't want anyone else to know.

    And on a more petty note, I'm scared of what treatment would cost. We're already scraping by month-to-month... it's not like I can afford a fancy prescription or anything. I know these things are sliding scale, but that doesn't mean it's free...
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 26, 2012
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu have an illness hun does not make you crazy it makes you ill and with right medicaiton hun you can be stable I hope you understand that a label is just that hun it is not who you are. I think once you have obtained help you need your life will be so much easier hun it will so i am glad you realize you do need help and are reaching out for it hugs
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Hmm my honest opinion, divorce and get a new life. Sorry to say it that way, but it sounds like the cause of your anxiety is your husband and his previous life. So I say you should just get a divorce and get it over with. Chances are if you divorce now you will be able to get out of paying spousal support. Because you are both in a low income situation now. If you wait until you have a job an a paycheck he could come after you for spousal support. I know that part of marriage is sharing your life. However, that is sharing your current life. You do not share his past life. You have the power to make that end.

    Anyway, I say get the divorce papers done now. Live with your parents, and when you get a new and better job be alone and happy. Sorry to say, your husband is poisoning you. Do you think that if you get a good job and move to a better neighborhood that your stepson will get better? Hell no, if anything he will get worse in an attempt to feel cool. So get out now, it sounds like this marriage was clearly a mistake, I doubt your husband will really care. Get out, start your own life away from your husband. Get out while you can get out without much coming back to haunt you. If you do not get out now, graduating from school and getting a good job will only make things worse.

    Of course coming from a man could not get a female to pretend to be his girlfriend, who am I to say anything about relationships.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.