I Never Wanted To Die

[Godsdrummer]

I am posting this here, because even though I didnt make an official "attempt" I did mentally. I have been thru the grinder the past couple of days and I feel so sick right now, especially physically. I have stomach pain and headaches all of which have been brought on by the stress.

Truth is I never wanted to die. I dont want to die now, or ever. My faith tells me that I will live forever as it is, but as far as this mortal existence goes, I want to be around for the good things to come.

It's just that when a person finds themselves in a situation of complete and total hopelessness there seems little options left.

For me, the only option was the final one. I think I knew that there was the option of living thru the pain and ordeals of the mess that I thought would come, but that option seemed even more unbearable.

Another truth is that I am too much of a wimp to actually go thru with it. Oh I have attempted in the past...but those attempts were wimpy at best as well. I have always been accused of having no backbone. I guess in this case I dont as well.

And I am very particular in how my death should come. I dont want to leave a mess. Do you that when you die, you crap your pants? I dont even want to think about that. lol

So, I am here...I will talk to my doc about this recent ordeal. I am waiting until I get a form in the mail from my FMLA people, as I missed work yesterday because of my back injury and well, they need a form filled out to excuse the day. once I get that form, I can knock out 2 birds with one stone.

I have an hour and a half to go at work, and I just want to go home and sleep.

 

[Butterfly]

I think when many of us attempt, it is not because we want to die but because we want the pain to stop. We want the feeling of worthlessness and helplessness to disappear. And the question about crapping your pants when you die? Yes you will shit, piss, vomit and maybe even bleed. I have seen this many times as a student nurse and it is because upon death all of our muscles relax. Keep fighting the good fight. You will beat this.

 

[warrabinda]

suicide is qrotesque.
i have seen normal death as in old age or cancer (we could debate the word 'normal' i know) where life gently slips away, as well as when people are in agony to the end. but the actual death, the passing is generally peaceful.
suicide is an act of extreme violence. never forget this. it takes violence to end ones life against your body's will. murder, violence that type of stuff. i've seen suicides and no matter what method its grotesque and theres something about it thats just... against nature. it looks wrong. and i personally sense that wrongness on a deep level; its not just about aesthetics.
you will lose all control of your body; bowels, expression (people die with horrible facial expressions - the poor next of kin who identifies them....)
i know there will be people who are going to argue with me on this, but it is not dignified.

 

[Godsdrummer]

And yet, even though I dont want to die, it seems like there is a voice calling me to do it. I have no strength.. I have lost the will to fight on. I literally have no energy.

 

[Sadeyes]

Bill...so glad you are with us, and please hold on to the caring that is here...that is what gets many of us thru...PM me if I can help in any way...big hugs, J

 

[maries]

i feel the same. i wanted to kill myself tonight, OD on muscle relaxers and was gonna stab myself just in case the meds weren't enough. but i got to thinking about how messy it would be, what with all my muscles being relaxed and everything. i want to die, but thinking of what could happen after scared me and worried me and so i googled and found this site. i'm slowly calming down and whenever i think about doing it, i see myself with piss and vomit and blood and my family cleaning it out of my bed sheets