I Never Will Find Happiness

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by BBM77, May 6, 2015.

  1. BBM77

    BBM77 Active Member

    I remembered what it was like to be happy. I was born a somewhat happy kid, judging from how much I laugh now, must've carried on. However, over the years from so much problems. My happiness is taken away and possibly for good. I can't feel it anymore and whenever I do, it's in very short bursts. I'm too used to be disappointed or heartbroken to truly embrace this happiness. My mind is filled with thoughts ready to snatch away that happiness when I remember a moment in my life the times that happiness disappeared. Be it over break ups, back and forth friend reunions and breakups, tense arguments, getting abused, neglected or insulted.

    Now it's gotten to the point where I have an off and on habit of stealing away others happiness whenever I can. For some reason, it lifts my spirits doing this, when it shouldn't by any means. So now it's a struggle to resist that. I feel if I can't find my own happiness again, then nobody else should be happy. I've done almost anything and everything I could to retrieve my happiness at the expense of not having to take away other people's feelings. I get things, I eat something, I do activities and I tend to my hobbies. But it's never enough, I feel a wave overcome me that snatches away my happiness again. Am I never to know happiness again when I'm too used to disappointment?

    I wish I could be happy for others, but I can't. I can't when they express to me that they find their own happiness and comfort. Yet, here I am, unable to find my own. I know I'm faking it when I praise someone for going out there and getting a better job or so. Because I know right after when the conversation's over, I slip back into blankness or another emotion. I try telling others that it's a losing battle for them to worry about my feelings like happiness. If I can't find it on my own, how can they do a better job? And whenever I do, all it takes is to, say, look at an image that was commissioned by someone of someone who I once loved engaging in a sexual activity with another. Just like that, gone again.

    Natural happiness is something to behold. No drug out there can accomplish it, otherwise, it'd be artificial. It doesn't help when people tell me to go find it, knowing I won't.