i am not who i’ve represented myself as all my life. the fake me stuffed the real me in prison. the real me sent hijacker to get my attention. but that is not taking care. it took 55 years for me to pay attention to me. the conundrum lie vs truth with truth being lie and vise versa shows that i’ve effectively destroyed my ability to know if i am me or if i am not or who i really am, until i realize that who the real me says i am is, is actually who i really am, even though i’ve made it appear to me that that is not who i am.
but the world (well the very few in the world) knows me as the fake me, not the real me. but they depend on the fake me to provide the consistency i implied to provide and to have promised - by being who i have pretended to be. thus, i have to maintain the fake and not be who i really am and need to be. i never was me, and now i can’t really be me. or if i am, i violate everyone else. i never hid me to be bad and i don’t want to be bad now. but breaking that unspoken contract with those close to me will hurt them. i do not know how to do what is right for myself because i believe i would hurt others by doing it. all i’ve done in life was to take steps at self protection that ultimately did not help me. there are complexities here that are kind of complex to explain. does it make any sense?