Even then, sometimes I dream of losing someone close or dying. I should be happy because I am married, we have above average combined income, and things are looking up at the moment. The thing is that I don't think any amount of money will make me feel better. I've always just kept it all bottled inside. I've never talked to anyone about depression. Its led me to making horrible decisions in my life. Sometimes I feel good, most times I feel really bad. I write from time to time in a journal because its the only thing I can think of to help. My marriage seems to be coming to an end and I'm not sure how I will deal with that. I wrote this when I realized it was really that bad. My bridges will soon be burned. I'll have no where else to turn to. That was the only place I wanted to be. There is no tomorrow. There is no today. There is only this moment and then it all goes away.