So I have been out traveling to an interview. You know what the only thing I could think about was? Wouldn't it be nice if that car hit me? Wouldn't it be nice if my plane crashed. Wouldn't it be nice if a car hit me? Same on the way home. I could only think about wanting to die. More and more these days I am only thinking about things and how they could kill me. Even sitting at my cubicle I think about how I wish there was some faulty work and I get smooshed as the ceiling collapses. Maybe at the gym, thinking about how nice it would be if the barbel slipped and crushed my sternum. Even in the shower, you know slipping and cracking my skull open on the floor. Almost everything can be seen as an instrument for my death. That is all I can ever think about. There is nothing else for me to think about. I know coming here helps because I can get feed back. However, I wonder how much damage it really does? Because most of the stories I read people are suffering way more than I am. I do not struggle to find money, eat, or stay healthy. Most people on this forum always have it worse. I look at my life in general and I have no reason to complain. I was not in any kind of abusive situation. There was nothing like that. The most horrible things that ever happened to me could have happened to anyone. Like getting hit by a car while riding my bike or falling down the mountain while skiing. Nothing like being abused or anything like that. I do not know. Maybe it is just the stress of traveling. The stress of interviewing. The stress of wondering if my boss will fire me for looking for a new job. The mood that an anime I am watching sets. It is an anime based off a dating sim where a guy meets and woos different girls. Maybe I think wow I should not watch this because I will never have anything like this. Not even realistically related or anything. Maybe it is just life... however... Even if it is just holding weight... our bodies give out eventually.... I am pretty sure that my body has failed and is not going to recover. After all, I am weak and nihilistic. I just wish my former roommate had been more forceful with taking back his kitty. Because I would already be dead. I would be dead and buried and not here anymore. That is all I want to cease existing. I am just garbage who is taking up space .