I Only Think About Death

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, Jan 31, 2012.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    So I have been out traveling to an interview. You know what the only thing I could think about was? Wouldn't it be nice if that car hit me? Wouldn't it be nice if my plane crashed. Wouldn't it be nice if a car hit me? Same on the way home. I could only think about wanting to die. More and more these days I am only thinking about things and how they could kill me. Even sitting at my cubicle I think about how I wish there was some faulty work and I get smooshed as the ceiling collapses. Maybe at the gym, thinking about how nice it would be if the barbel slipped and crushed my sternum. Even in the shower, you know slipping and cracking my skull open on the floor. Almost everything can be seen as an instrument for my death. That is all I can ever think about. There is nothing else for me to think about.

    I know coming here helps because I can get feed back. However, I wonder how much damage it really does? Because most of the stories I read people are suffering way more than I am. I do not struggle to find money, eat, or stay healthy. Most people on this forum always have it worse. I look at my life in general and I have no reason to complain. I was not in any kind of abusive situation. There was nothing like that. The most horrible things that ever happened to me could have happened to anyone. Like getting hit by a car while riding my bike or falling down the mountain while skiing. Nothing like being abused or anything like that.

    I do not know. Maybe it is just the stress of traveling. The stress of interviewing. The stress of wondering if my boss will fire me for looking for a new job. The mood that an anime I am watching sets. It is an anime based off a dating sim where a guy meets and woos different girls. Maybe I think wow I should not watch this because I will never have anything like this. Not even realistically related or anything. Maybe it is just life... however... Even if it is just holding weight... our bodies give out eventually.... I am pretty sure that my body has failed and is not going to recover. After all, I am weak and nihilistic.

    I just wish my former roommate had been more forceful with taking back his kitty. Because I would already be dead. I would be dead and buried and not here anymore. That is all I want to cease existing. I am just garbage who is taking up space .
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 31, 2012
  2. I know what death looks like and what dying feels like if you want to talk. I can tell you it is not as pleasant or beautiful as our minds make it to be. Please PM me so we can talk more :)
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I do like my illusions to be shattered. It gives me less of a reason to live.
  4. BigTomTooToo

    BigTomTooToo Well-Known Member

    I'm 21 and just moved back home because I was hospitalized for a manic episode that had me speaking like I was a prophet. I have clothes, food, and shelter but I'm so negative because I'm nothing special. I too often think like that lol, like something would kill me, last time I was jealous of a kid that died from cancer.... yea. Not all my days are so negative but I'm trying to justify looking at life in a different way. Like our lifespans don't amount to anything and there's people on the planet. I don't really know what I'm "holding onto anymore. That's why I ended up here.. writing jibberish
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I am jealous of those who's time is close to up or could be up at any moment for any reason. That is one of the reasons I thought about joining the military. I figured I could be deployed and shot within a few months. To the casual observer it would look like I was nothing more than a casuality. No one would know the truth.

    I spout non-sense all the time. Some people call it wisdom... I call it the babbling of an idiot myself.
  6. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I can relate to how you feel.
    I think about death all the time too.
  7. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    ((hug)) FM
    just letting you know i'm listening.
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :hug: ->Kali Thanks hun
  9. cc1990

    cc1990 Well-Known Member

    I think about death every day and suicide multiple times a day. I never do anything else. I'm a loser. I constantly fixate on my negative thoughts about myself, I get mad at myself even for meaningless things, like me debating on walking up to the gas station to get milk and deciding not to do it. Lol. Then I think, "You're so stupid Cory, you need to die." Every thought I have of myself is negative. I can't remember the last time I said something positive about myself just in general. Maybe I'm insane, maybe I'm being emo, maybe I'm just fucking stupid.
  10. thingsaregonnachange

    thingsaregonnachange Well-Known Member

    I can certainly relate as well.

    Sometimes I fantasize about getting some incurable brain tumor so I could die a "natural death" in like 4 months and wouldn't have to be remembered as a "suicide".

    I know this is pretty terrible considering many people suffer from much diseases and fight like hell to survive, but what can I do, I just don't want to live.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 1, 2012
  11. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    You are better than me. I want a 100% curable disease that can kill me. That way I can just say I do not believe in modern medicine. That way I could give the middle finger to my mom for not aborting me. The tumor would be something simple and easy to remove. I would just let it grow till it killed me. I would tell everyone that it is a tumor that is easy to get rid of with treatment, and that I refused that treatment.
  12. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    No, this IS a door to walk through so that you can start living for the first time since you were a little kid!

    You said it beautifully, that you feel like your illusions have been shattered! Good! One illusion is that we can be in control of our lives. We can't. Life was here before us and will be here after us and lives through us. We all have unique gifts, talents, and limits with which to express ourselves.

    There is no meaning to life....life itself is the meaning and the beauty. The meaning of life isn't skyscrapers, nations, religions, and wars. Life simply is amazing to watch in us and around us.

    What's ugly is mental confusion that just won't stop. And there's a reason why....our minds have been conditioned to believe there is meaning, that there is control, and so on. We've been raised with religious and national identities that run like software in our minds keeping us closed to anything that doesn't support our habitual thoughts.

    But those habitual thoughts are riddled with contradictions that are terribly confusing and that feeling of confusion is exactly why your mind creates the idea of "death = happiness". It's unhappy to be confused and moments of clarity have felt happy. The thought of no longer needing to struggle in life is a happy thought because all problems are solved, right? But the problem is that that idea of suicide is only a happy thought so long as death happens and as soon as the will to live defeats the want to die, the weight of the world, the weight of the confusion comes back and into the pit we go mentally again.

    So you're mind has decided that death is the answer and is offering all these different ways to die. What stops you? Innately, we are life positive. We want to live. We want to be happy and what happy person wants to die? Not me. :)

    Please take some time to read some article on my blog? There's some great perspective there....no beliefs, no mind games, no guilt trips, not nothing except perspective. My mom took her life when I was 19 and out of everyone affected, I'm the only one that turned it into something positive. Suicide simply takes your confusion and misery and passes it along to the people around you. It's sad because had my mom been able to get this perspective, she would be alive today, I have no doubt.

    Thanks for reading...Ron
  13. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    Cory, consider this? You know that anything repeated becomes a habit, right? Like muscle memory driving a car or knowing how to get from your house to a friend's house. That's a beautiful feature of the mind.

    The problem is when we make "ideas" into habits. Then we've just created a totally common and unseen mental illness in ourselves. So your self-loathing is an idea about yourself that is repeated all day everyday and voila! You automatic, habitually, keep replaying the same negative thoughts and because they are a habit, they feel true. And anytime someone rejects you in some way, it supports that habitual thought of self and anytime someone compliments you, more than likely you reject it because it doesn't support your negative habitual thought of self.

    In fact, the negative self image becomes a "religion" to you that you practice unknowingly. To escape it, you have to see this feature of the mind, and then what you'll find is that all nations, all religions, all marketers, etc..., repeat and repeat ideas to you in an effort to get you to identify with them. So you identify with your person dogma about yourself and also you've got mental conditionings related to country, culture and God that are running in your mind too. All of these ideologies and theologies are so riddled with contradictions that the result is incessant daily confusion and nothing seems to be able to overcome come that feeling. Drugs, alcohol, sex, hopes and dreams get relief for you momentarily but the idea of suicide seems to be the only idea that will give happiness permanently. But it's wrong, not because of some afterlife belief but because you simply pass your misery and confusion to the survivors. That's not a guilt trip but a fact. I'm one of the survivors of my mom's suicide.


    Thanks for reading and sharing....Ron
  14. cc1990

    cc1990 Well-Known Member

    Whats the point of trying to be positive when there is nothing to be happy about? Fuck, I'm 21, I shouldn't be like this. :(
  15. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    There's in no point in being positive....being positive is a mind game...there is no point in mind games. What's needed is perspective. The mind does NOT know the truth....it makes guesses because we don't know the truth. When these guesses are heard over and over and over again in the mind, they become a habit and all habits take control over us in some way. Your self image is a guess turned into a habit that automatically keeps you confused. That struggle with the confusion creates another idea that suicide is the relief from this confused mind.

    A confused mind is one stuck at a level of understanding not seeing how to evolve beyond it. Living in thoughts is what we all end up doing because our culture isn't about learning and growing about life, but about obedience to the culture itself. It gets that obedience through this repetition of "morals", values, actions, holidays, language, beliefs about God/heaven/hell, and nation. This indoctrination starts the moment you're born and by the time you grow old enough to see something in life, these mental programs are running 24/7/365 like software except you can't see it. These conditionings feel like they are you, no different than riding your bike or taking a walk. You simply do it without thinking because those habits are so strong.

    I wasn't free from my conditioned mind until I got this insight and my self loathing turned to self acceptance and I got my life back. Now, I try to share what I've learned with anyone but it's the deeply depressed and suicidal people that are the ones most ready to learn and grow. After a life trying to impose logic onto life and failing, they are the ones that fit this old cliche, "when the student is ready, the master will appear". It simply means when one has run out of ideas, he's ready to have an open mind to something else besides his own logic. A person considering suicide is simply a person that has run out of logical ideas about how to be happy. And the problem with happiness is that it happens when the mind is at rest and the mind can't see that so it keeps thinking and in doing so, keeps us drained.

  16. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    RonPSH: Sadly my flaws are part of my genes. There is nothing I can do to change those. No amount of lying to myself will change reality. If anything it will make things worse because I will be the only one who believes these things. No matter what we say or do. Everyone needs outside reinforcement of their ideas. I will never get that no matter how much I put into the lie.
  17. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    But why are they "flaws"? Does a "perfect" person exist?

    BTW, nothing that I posted was about lying to oneself to find relief. And nothing was said about believing anything. What I'm trying to share is that we can move beyond thoughts, cut through the fog and see reality. If we can see why we are thinking so much in the first place and to see that thoughts are not facts but guesses, then we can begin to move beyond thoughts. We can start testing thoughts as guesses and stop declaring the thought to be true, like saying that everyone needs outside reinforcement of their ideas....no, we need to test ideas and let life show us where we got it right and where we got it wrong.

    But your statement is very helpful, that everyone needs outside reinforcement of their ideas because that is how we are trained to live when it comes to subjects like God, self and nation. In our jobs and hobbies we are trained to learn from experiences, but in those other areas we are trained to live from ideas and ignore our experiences so that's where the need comes for others to help us prop us this illusion that our ideas are true. That's why religions end up dividing people instead of uniting them because the mental habits that make the religions seem true can't accept the different mentality of those in another faith that have been programmed differently because the different programming doesn't allow the illuson to be reinforced.

    That is the closed mindedness we see around us and the stronger the faith, the most closed and judgment the believer is as the believer's mind has stronger mental habits that are quicker to reject ideas that don't support the habit.

    The cure for suidical thoughts is to learn about thinking, about the mind, about culture, about conditionings, and so on. And the fact remains that we all have certain gifts, talents and limits and none of us can live happily ignoring any of them. We have to live in harmony with our innate qualities, within our nature.

    That society and religions make it so hard because of ideals and judgment is really why we can't relax into our own being. What are society and religion? Mental habits....neither exists, only individual people exist. Both are simply mental conditionings passed from generation to generation blindly. We are indoctrinated before we know it, become confused without knowing why and a minority of us seriously consider suicide as a way to get this mind to shut up.

    Please continue to explore with me? You got nothing to lose and I got nothing to sell. I'm a survivor of my mom's suicide, I'm a survivor of the confusion how she could come to that point and I'm someone that transcended the whole thing to see the source of the confusion. I'm sincerely trying to share and this is my group that I love to share with the most. :)
  18. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    Until you've found pain, you won't reach the cure
    Until you've given up life, you won't unite with
    the supreme soul
    Until you've found fire inside yourself, like the Friend,
    You won't reach the spring of life.
    Rumi ♥

    Everyone on this board is ripe for transformation from the mundane daily grind to seeing what life really is, what a miracle it is and how mankind in his blindness has missed it.
  19. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @RonPSH: So earlier I was posting from my phone at work. Hence the short post. You asked what keeps me here? My kitty keeps me here. I have already said that. When she is gone I plan to take no more than a month to pack up my stuff. Write out a will and kill myself. I hope I have a garage. Because then it will take people months to find me. People are so non-social that the smell of exhaust would not cause them to think twice.

    Conditioning or retraining at first means lying. You have to tell yourself that your current truth is not the truth. By doing so you are lying to yourself. You lie to yourself over and over and over again until it becomes the truth. At which point it ceases to be a lie. However, until you actually believe it, that lie is a lie. Call it reconditioning if you want it is still a lie. Because I am warping my own truth. Therapy just puts fancy less harsh words there instead of lying.

    I already see reality. The reality is that I am a flawed human being. You say is there such thing as a perfect human. The answer is of course no. However, I am a fatally flawed human. My flaws are incurable. No amount of mental conditioning can make them any less fatal. Regardless of what I think. I will just be flawed and unwanted. I am like that fancy car with the seized engine. Yeah I am cool looking, yeah I am worth some money, yeah there is some sentiment to me. However, I cannot be driven so there is no point to have me around. You can talk up a car all day long. However, if I cannot drive it or at least know it is capable of being driven it is not worth anything. No new coat of paint, no restored upholstery, no original parts can make the fact that the car is broken any less real. Same applies to me.
  20. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    FM, what I'm suggesting is not REconditioning is DEconditioning...to return your mind to the wholeness it had when you were a small child...before society go in there and fragmented it into a million conflicting pieces.

    I don't say this as an idea but relate it as my personal experience. The social conditioning is the lie that is told over and over again until it FEELS like it's true. My angle is to see the whole process and that awareness of it renders it powerless.

    I didn't say that anyone can be perfect. I say that we all have gifts, limits and talents and that happiness resides in remaining within your capabilities and your limits. In other words to live in harmony with your mind, body and soul.

    The only fatal flaw in us is that our bodies have a limited life. Don't worry, nature will run it's course on you, why be in such a rush to end it all? Death is already there by design. In the meantime, are you seeking to solve this mystery of life? You're alive because your nature is to live. Your mind is what is creating this idea that death equals happiness. I've come to see that growing my awareness is the path, not logical ideas.

    I like to use this analogy...it's kind of hokey but bear with me? Put two people in a cockpit of a jetliner or something really complex. One person has never flown and the other is a seasoned veteran. Which one is going to be terrified to fly it solo and which one will fly it with a smile on his face? The answer is obvious. If you want to get a smile on your face about life, you have to grow your intelligence and stop wallowing around in the same repetitive "life sucks" idea that becomes a personal dogma. That's the only flaw and it's a flaw that you can transcend but it takes an open mind.
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