I only want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MorganaNever, Feb 29, 2012.

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  1. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    I dont know how long i can last. Im at a point where im so handicapped, i cant go trough with anything. I didnt manage to get therapy and frankly, i feel its too late.

    My parter seemed so much better lately, and even though our codependancy and life situation arent healthy, at least i felt loved and like it can be ok cause one person understands. Then yesterday, i hit something while walking out of the bathroom, made a noise (nothig huge) and he flipped. He started this tirade attacking everything about me, he always disrespects my family, where im from, mocks me. Tells me weather or not im creative, intelligent.. He knows how hard some things are and how im trying to get to a better point, he would talk to me and tell me to be patient, that it will fall to its place just to now turn on me and tell me how i havent achieved anything and how im not capable of nothing. Well, i got out and went to a bar and stayed till 3 am. Actually it wasnt bad considerig the situation, i talked to some nice people and at no point was i flirty or in a situation that he would feel uncomfortable seeing. Only at the end i flirted with a waitress a bit but it was more a joke than anything and even told him when i got back, claiming i now hate men (i dont, just him) and will be with girls. I dont even know what the hell im doing obviously, im completely lost.

    And today i feel awful, feel like i did sth horrible to him by going to a bar alone, feel he will see it the wrong way- but i dont know how to talk about it, i dont want to feel like a jerk after how he is. But wht is the meaning of little ego games, i said bad things back and left him alone and feel heartbroken but dont know why.

    It seems all i can do when i do sth is make a mess and im always falling deeper and starting again and achieving nothig. I really dont have energy anymore to keep trying. I only let myself down even more. I dont like or respect who i am. I feel like i lost all my identiy and every connection to the world. Im really fading. I dont even think i should be loved, cant stand being judged cause i see myself how bad and hopeless things are.

    Its no ones fault but mine. I wasnt able to fight for things that mattered. I couldnt take charge i just have things happening to me and any resolution i have can only last for a moment, is mere impuls. I feel like i need to excuse myself to anyone i talk to, i have no pride left and i dont want to live like that.

    I only desire to die at this point and again, if it wasnt for the paing my mom would feel i would. So its one more thing i cant do. I wish for some freedom of thinking there are no restrictions to life but there are. I would give everything to be a kid again, i am a faliure as an adult. Only way id ever be happy would be to wake up in my old room again, know my parents are making lunch and ill meet my friends and do some studying and everything is so safe and normal and it seems it can never be any different.

    It hurts so much i need help, i need advice, everything is falling apart.
  2. Thoughtful

    Thoughtful Member

    That's a story! You can love because you care about your parents! You are loved - and perhaps your partner is a jerk and simply cannot cope or doesn't know how to cope because he does love you and is frightened of losing you!
    Please don't feel bad about how you feel - we are all victims of our own history the vast majority of which we have had no direct control!
    Don't desire to die but please desire to accept yourself for who and what you are.
    Be liked, be loved and be accepted.
    Your message has enriched my life and I have only just joined! xx
  3. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    Wow, thank you for the very kind words.

    You are so very right about people being victims of their own history, also choices, they made when they didnt even have the capacity to understand what their actions will mean an bring.

    One day youre a kid playing a life as a game and suddenly youre an adut and the game has left you with a mess you dont know how to clean anymore. You didnt think it all counts.

    I know there is lots of love, i am loved and i love. But i will end up disconnected and disappointing everyone if i dont change, and i keep trying to, i keep getting up and fighting the rut just to end up at a whole new low. It is hard to like yourself when time keeps passing and you only count mistakes. You end up needing a miracle, some deus ex machina that will save you. You think if you are ready to give up and die some hand will have to pull you out if there is any sense in anything, but it doesnt happen, youre still alive and it only hurts more.

    And all the love in the world cant save you when you cant save yourself.
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