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I only wish for him to love me.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MrSelfDestruct, Apr 23, 2012.

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  1. I see you, every single day. You may see me, I know you know who I am, but you tell me that you can never love me the way I love you. The pressure under the bridge of my nose that I get whenever I feel like cutting or just ending everything builds every time I see you. I just want you to love me. That's all I ask. But, no. If there is an intelligent being that created the universe, he hates me to the very last molecule my body is made of. I loved you before you ever even acknowledged my existence, and I'll love you until I take my last breath. I hope that final exhale comes swiftly, because I'm not sure I can take looking in the mirror and seeing my hand not being held by yours. I can't stand not being next to you as I sleep. When you find a girl, I'll cringe when I see the two of you together, because she can't be me.

    I'm just a worthless little annoyance to you. I'm gay, you're straight. You're seventeen, so I know your feelings towards me will never change. Besides, I'm two years younger. I'm probably not mature enough for you. The only person who can explain my feelings to you without you hating me is Trent Reznor.

    "You could have it all, my empire of dirt.
    But I let you down."

    But I could never "make you hurt." I'd sooner die than hurt you. And I will soon. I just hate being without you, and I can't take much more.

    (I know this probably doesn't belong in the suicidal thoughts forum, but I wrote it to the effect of this is what is making me want to kill myself.)
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    :hug: Unrequited love is really hard. Your anguish is very clear in your post. You deserve to find someone who can and will love you.

    Maybe it's a little soon to look elsewhere because you are feeling so sad right now. But when you feel a little less upset, you could begin to meet others who have similar qualities...and more. There is someone out there just waiting to meet you - someone who doesn't love us is not worth killing ourselves for, imo. Please stay safe.
  3. He's my friend, but I want more than that. We even met in the cutest way...
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Awww. It's hard, I know. :hug: When we care about someone and don't have "someone else" there it leaves us imagining all the things we "wish" for. It's kind of like a "pleasant torment" - thinking of him, but then not being able to have him.

    Are there other things in life that keep you interested and busy? Other people to be with?
  5. I don't have many hobbies. I play, listen to, and write music on a daily basis, and I enjoy writing stories. I usually find myself writing about what could be if he and I were together. Other than him, I have four friends. I don't get out much, though.
  6. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Perhaps you could put some of your stories into the Creative Writing forum here for others to read. A lot of people here enjoy a good story and appreciate it when other members share! :smile:
  7. I will eventually. I'm quite timid, though ;~;
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