There's too much for me to post here, so I'll keep it simple. I've been sorting my life out for the past year and made a lot of progress. I've been in relationships, sorted out voluntary work while waiting to go back to college. I have BDD, and I've almost overcome it. Things were looking good - but at the same time I'm in a constant battle with the situation at home. My dad is a manic depressive alcoholic - he can be fine for periods but then he kicks off again. I can't deal with it any more. I could move out into my own place - but then I wouldn't be able to go to college because I wouldn't be able to afford the rent and living costs. But if I stay here the 'rent' is cheap and I'd be able to go to college - then when I were to go to uni I could take out student loans and live on the uni campus. But the thing is - I'm sick of the situation here at home. The constant threats, heated arguments and my dad is just all round psychotic. I can't deal with it any more - and I can't live here till I go to uni. But if I move out, an education is out of the question and I'd have to find any work that'd have me and work a dead end job for the rest of my life - that's even if I get hired - I'm 20 and I've never worked. I dropped out of college at 16 because of my BDD issues. I've been tackling them for years and as things were improving, the situation at home was getting worse. I don't have a stable roof over my head, really, because the house is in my dad's name and he's far from stable. I think I had a mental breakdown yesterday. My entire body was trembling, I couldn't stop crying, screaming, and I cut myself. Never felt like that before. Everything had been building up to it, until I couldn't hold it in any more. Now I'm suicidal. My two options are: 1 - stay at home till I get into uni, which would be sept 2013 - but mentally/emotionally I won't be able to do it. Things are getting worse here all the time and last night I was driven insane. 2 - move out asap. don't go to college, get a dead end job but live in a stable environment - have no real future and go through life feeling unfulfilled. Neither is appealing. I definitely don't want #2, and can't handle another 2 years of #1. I don't want to die - I *want* to sort my life out, and I've really tried so hard this past year. I used to isolate myself and was afraid of going outside because of my BDD. But I overcame that. But living here is driving me insane and I can't take it any more. I have the pills and plan on taking them. But do I actually have any other options??? I really do have it in me to take the pills. I OD'd before in my teens, so I know I'm capable of it.