I plan on OD'ing tonight.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by pogosticker, Nov 27, 2011.

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  1. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    There's too much for me to post here, so I'll keep it simple. I've been sorting my life out for the past year and made a lot of progress. I've been in relationships, sorted out voluntary work while waiting to go back to college. I have BDD, and I've almost overcome it. Things were looking good - but at the same time I'm in a constant battle with the situation at home. My dad is a manic depressive alcoholic - he can be fine for periods but then he kicks off again. I can't deal with it any more. I could move out into my own place - but then I wouldn't be able to go to college because I wouldn't be able to afford the rent and living costs. But if I stay here the 'rent' is cheap and I'd be able to go to college - then when I were to go to uni I could take out student loans and live on the uni campus. But the thing is - I'm sick of the situation here at home. The constant threats, heated arguments and my dad is just all round psychotic. I can't deal with it any more - and I can't live here till I go to uni. But if I move out, an education is out of the question and I'd have to find any work that'd have me and work a dead end job for the rest of my life - that's even if I get hired - I'm 20 and I've never worked. I dropped out of college at 16 because of my BDD issues. I've been tackling them for years and as things were improving, the situation at home was getting worse. I don't have a stable roof over my head, really, because the house is in my dad's name and he's far from stable.

    I think I had a mental breakdown yesterday. My entire body was trembling, I couldn't stop crying, screaming, and I cut myself. Never felt like that before. Everything had been building up to it, until I couldn't hold it in any more.

    Now I'm suicidal.

    My two options are:
    1 - stay at home till I get into uni, which would be sept 2013 - but mentally/emotionally I won't be able to do it. Things are getting worse here all the time and last night I was driven insane.

    2 - move out asap. don't go to college, get a dead end job but live in a stable environment - have no real future and go through life feeling unfulfilled.

    Neither is appealing. I definitely don't want #2, and can't handle another 2 years of #1.

    I don't want to die - I *want* to sort my life out, and I've really tried so hard this past year. I used to isolate myself and was afraid of going outside because of my BDD. But I overcame that. But living here is driving me insane and I can't take it any more.

    I have the pills and plan on taking them. But do I actually have any other options??? I really do have it in me to take the pills. I OD'd before in my teens, so I know I'm capable of it.
  2. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Tough situation. I do hope you rethink taking your life.

    One thought is to move out and take college part time. Its hard but I know people who have done it.

    You've come so far to turn back now.

  3. nightsky88

    nightsky88 New Member

    I know the situation you're in. I had to move out from my parent's because of a deteriorating situation. Given your immediate circumstances, my personal opinion would be to move out if that'll save your sanity. You can deal with the job/college/future thing when you're in an environment you can function in. I also think ahead but find that after taking the first step towards improvement, everything begins to change and realign...so you never know what may await you after moving out. What may fulfill you now may not be defined the same way in the future. It sounds like you know that staying home won't do you any favors in the immediate time and that's what has to change first. I know this is vague but I sincerely hope it helps!
  4. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    too late. i did it 20 mins ago. took 70 pills of didfferent kinds. my stomac is burning now and my heartbeat is fast. i've got the shakes as well. but i'm glad.
  5. breaking

    breaking Active Member

    I"m sorry Pogo . I wish I was there to save you, I'd change places with you if that would take your pain away. Please don't do it.
  6. Jungle420

    Jungle420 Banned Member

    Please phone ambulance as soon as possible!!!. Reason being I think you will end up severely unwell for a long time rather than die. Look I am in a very similar situation to you and feel equally as trapped. OD is not the way, Please help yourself and phone now overdosing is not worth it
  7. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    agreed with above, OD is definitely not the way I would want to go...youre vastly more likely to end up with permanent physical damage than die. and obviously if the aim is to escape from pain, that doesnt really help at all. the human body is surprisingly hard to kill. phone an ambulance asap if you havent already so the damage is limited.

    but due to no response in about 12 hours (I didnt realize it before I made the post), im guessing you already did phone medical services, so good luck and I hope it isnt that bad
  8. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    true. i did phone them. i panicked. but i'm glad, because I wasn't in a good state of mind. Spent the night at the hospital, as well as this morning/afternoon. Got out early because I explained why I did it, why I regret it, how it made me feel, and how I'm not going to do it again.
  9. breaking

    breaking Active Member

    I am glad you called and got help. Please hang in there. Im hoping for better days for you.
  10. nordi

    nordi Active Member

    I have been watching these posts since yesterday because I was thinking of checking out the same way as pogo was planning. This has changed my mind...:later:

    Glad you're ok, pogo. Hope things get better for you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 28, 2011
  11. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Pogo... I'm so glad you survived! You can and will get through this. Please count me among the many SF friends who truly care about you, and PM me anytime (I'll promise to respond as soon as I get your message).

    As someone who grew up in an abusive and completely intolerable home, my instinct tells me to advise you to get out of that house. It was hard to leave home so young (the week following my 17th bday) and without the resources many take for granted, but it was probably the best decision I ever made. It may be harder financially to slowly work your way through college, but it can be done. And your current home life and the effect it has on you emotionally will make acheiving success as a student very difficult. If you do leave, contact the community college closest to your new home and find out what your options are for financial aid, student loans or scholarships. You deserve so much better than the life you've had so far!

    Sending hugs and friendship... :console:
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi, I'm really glad you decided to get help, well done to you! :)

    Did they offer you any outpatient support/help?
  13. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the kind words, everyone. :)

    I was only in there for 16 hours, but I think the main reason they let me go the next day was because my keyworker contacted them and basically said she'd handle it from there. She's provided me with a lot of help and I'm thankful.

    Well, I have decided to move out. Looking at places and my sister will be moving out with me. Been working it all out and it's all doable. Including college. I'm a lot more hopeful now. Sorry about your upbringing, but good for you getting away from that. I wish I had got away a long time ago.
  14. aristotle

    aristotle Member

    Yoi can move iut work and do college at night or thr OU in your own time. Not great but they do work.
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