Thank you so much! @sinking-ship
I have to do those things now...It has been a long time since I vent in a useful way by screaming and so on. Because I can't, anytime, anywhere. I will be in trouble when I did it, my parents will be very angry even I try my best to hide from them, somehow they will always notice that, but they never know how to do! They are good at making me feel worse by telling me I'm a failure and I won't success if I still act that way. For me, every fail makes me feel suicidal. If my parents' opinion is true, why I'm still alive?! The only thing that keeps me alive is my goal for life.
Sometimes I do that out of control in school, then...I have been in a lot of trouble because of this, I hate it. Everybody hate me because they saw me lose control easily and they think I'm insane, and that's funny, so they bully me, wanting to see me cry or try to kill myself, or just ignore my existence. (there are also other reasons such as being different in hobbies etc)
So what's that...I tried my best to keep a good grade, to be one of the top students, so they didn't consider me as a total failure in life. So in some ways I can live a not-so-bad life. But now everything changed because I no longer easily understand what teachers said. I can't concentrate. If it continues I will be more depressed or anxious than ever. I can't accept fails, because I just can't.
I don't know what to do. Force myself sit down and do homework? Impossible. I can't do anything. I can't. I just can't. I don't want to exist.
And I don't want to see anyone suffering...sorry if my post becomes a trigger.