I poured my heart out on this, read

This friday night i was depressed enough to call 911 and asked for a phone number, suicide hot line or whatever to talk to. The operator gave me one toll free. After i hung up, i cried. When i calmed down abit i called the toll free number. What happened next is the cops showed up cuz they were thought i might be suicidal since i didnt call soon enough( they checked with 800 number before i could dial). I didnt want parents( they asleep) know cops were coming so i went out front door and waited. Basically the cops then forced me to emergency hospital. They tied all my limbs, the doctor took some blood test and urine samples. I waited in the room in the sullen stupid mood i always in, that signals "dont talk to me/ignore me" in public place. Anyway 5 hours later i had talked with a social worker, and they had to let me go after they determined i was not suicidal, i never told about thinking shooting myself orl they would confine me there. I never told the cops im suicidal but they had to force me saying they will wake up my parents if i refuse. Now one more day, the hospital bill will come in mail. My parents dont know any of this, and i dont want them to. Great, now im penniless and how im suppose to pay and hide from my parents the fact of that night. All the social worker did was ask me some questions and i revealed some of my troubled past to her. She was an old lady, and i think i saw laughter in her eyes that she didnt really care or knew whats really going on. Anyway it didnt help and they want me to referred to some mental health instition for consuling which i will not be able to pay, so i putted that off. So i've got maybe 300 dollars bill coming up since i got no insurance, and let cops coerced me into believing going to hospital was free. They told me they had to admit if i dont have insurance, what i didnt know was that i'll get charged afterward. Im naive, i hate myself more after this. My parents really resent me, it kind built up my hatred for myself too. I hate them too, they should just go to hell, they dont deserve life. Im ashame im their son, really ashamed. I only wish i would be somewhere else instead of born with their depressed stupid problems. I could be a total different person. Instead here im not feeling like doing anything.
I've decided that i quit video games, TV. They were just distractions from problems i tried to run away from. My computer was taken away cuz i spend too much time on it. My parents were too controling.
Of course i dont give a damn.
when the night cames, im so bored and restless, i had to turn the radio on listen to hears those depressing songs, most are too naive or crappy. Few feels right. God these ppl have no talent. Everything is miserable, im afraid to go sleep cuz im afraid of feeling empty when i wake up and the days just goes by and by without me feeling happy or worth anything. i had to be in public library to type this.
Im 20 years old i shoudl have a girlfriend at least and living my own place.
Instead i felt never quiet right. I think my emotional development must have been extinguished by these retarded depressed adults. Im afraid im a half grow-up, with brooding but non of the more rewarding experience like companion ship and intimacy. i feel either my puberty has been incomplete or its been twarfted and im already getting old by the seconds. I had to worry about getting jobs cuz now i have a resentment about ppl around me, im afraid if bosses took out anger on me, i might freak and hurt them. The only ppl i can tolerate are children and girls with innocent looking. They remind me when i kind worship them, when i was years younger.
Worst of all its i dont care about anything right now, i mean anything, i feel worthless, so worthless i dont care about taking my own life. You know you have to feel sorry for yourself if you commit suicide. I dont anymore not tiny bit. Im searching for a reason, a worth enough reason to end myself, half-hearttly. Im already kind dead. I need the reason fast but i dont want to hurry. Im always contradicting myself. Nothing makes my kind sense, maybe it never will. Maybe in my youthful eagerness i thought too much good of this world, when my selfishness and vainless showed through pores of life, i could not accept it. It was self-exile, with egos and hopes, pain confusion when puberty came and i first learned about sex, sadden by the fact girls were like (whores i thought) when i worshipped them to be angels. What a let down it was, half of guys reading this must be laughing right now. Im tired feeling inferior, im not, but i cant bring myself to the "fuckers help urself get most out of life by taking advantage of everything, mainly women and children". And past on genes because im so weak to resist the temptation. So i suffer, suffer. Im start to feel like an idiot, i start to make excuse to myself. Im afraid if i see the truth i might die, and die a worthless death as that. Im afraid this existence is already meaningless, and i've exhausted more than i originally came with. Im afraid if i linger on this world any longer i may bring pain to ppl who didnt have a hand in my suffering. Im afraid to love someone, for that i might let them down. That my existence shall taint theirs. So God, if you exist, show me a way out of this, shit. I know maybe i exaggerated a bit or not. I really cant put on the perspective. My mind had been foggy, now its a silent resignation to impassiveness. And at night its restless. Im sick of night by the way, this place, i moved to years ago and now lived shines with luminous night sky.
I used to be able to hide in darkness and revel in my feelings. Now i cant even rest at night.
I had to pace in my home, caged, im afraid i will become very angry and hurt someone.
Maybe i shall leave then, maybe with 3 months of money. Seeing strangers face and wonder what their thoughts about me. Probably nothing. They have their lives and I my brooding.
I hate having on these glasses, it makes my eyes look smaller. It took out my individuality my diginity. I dont want these fukin glasses they are ugly, i cant run or jump in them. And if i lose them i will be kind blind. Girls hate guys with glasses too. It remind them of nerd. I was somebody before i had to wear glasss at puberty, cuz my eyes grew too big. It kind distorted my place somewhat too. I had a proud face, an attitude. When i put these damned glasses i feel tame, timid and stupid. My limps no longer moved with ease. Everything i hoped and was sure i would become didnt happen. Im some of the things i always hated.
I dont know where to begin the change. Or If i should change it i dont even have anything that times has given or left me.
God i nkow if i thought about killing myself years ago, I would have the courage, the enthusiam, the vanity and sadness to do it then. I was just too caught in the thought everything in the world was wrong and was going against me, that i will never falter.
Now im not sure those thoughts are manifestation of youth, rebellious i was or an excuse i told myself for falling behind.
Are you overwhelmed by reading this? Imagine me going through it then, and keep my sanity. What sacrifice i had to give up on dreams companionship just for the goodness of heart, or stubborness of will, of indigination of failling to protect my diginty.
The easy way would be suicide. Im not a coward so i dont want to kill myself. But i dont want to exist as someone's dog, living under other ppl's wills, doing what they want, petuate what they considered good, moral, standard and fukin bloodly serious those fukin mindless educations of dumping their fukin thoughts on to ours! Of going to school just to see other fukin kids your own age have a good time, while you dont knew what to make of yourself, failure or dumb? Of watching ppl in the hall making out, while you dont know your angry or not.
I wish i had power to change all this i dont. Do i?
No i guess. I can never change what other ppl do, what world does, but they change me... fair? justice? bullshit.
I have the will but i have no power to make a difference. Power comes from reaping other ppl off. So i have no power only my will.
For someone gave the effot to read this, tell me you dont give a damn. I wouldnt be surprised.
Im fukin wrong then?
Reply something real, no need to be shy here. Tell it straight. I know this is a pro-life forum, but dont be dishonest here. I wouldnt care if someone offends me or not, not this point i've come too far now.

 

Well, as you said I'll give it straight.

My reaction reading what you been through.. summed up in a few short words.

"Holy shit"

I'm very proud of you. I know I sure as hell couldn't have made it through what you went through. It takes a lot of bravery to do some of the things you did. It boggles my mind. You have been through so much shit, and yet your here looking for help, or at least trying to vent.

In honesty, I really have no idea what I could do to help you. Half your problems are worse then mine ever were, and I really have no experience in things like this.
All I can do is offer my support, and my prayers.

If you want to talk to me over msn, let me know, I'll PM you my addy. I hope you feel better about your situation soon, I wish there was more I could do for you.

Good luck *hug

*OWL*

 

You have done the right thing by seeking out help. There are many people here at the forum that would be willing to talk to you. Althought the situations are not all exactly the same, we all have things to share and experiences from which to draw. I hope you are able to find the help you need here. You must be strong to endure and you have so far. Stay safe and take care. :hug:

 

hi overwhelming,

I can relate to much of what you said. Listen, everything feels like your wrong or it's wonrg and you feel like you have no control or can change, but you do have a tremendous amount of power and it begins with your thoughts.

You said, "I wish I had power to change all this I dont. Do i?"

So, lets examine thoughts that can help you through this.

1), You cannot change the past. So, let it be. It cannot be undone, changed, diverted, altered or in any way manipulated. It is better to accept the past because then you can manage it. Denying what happened or trying to cover it up will only lead to more struggle and emotional conflict.

2). You cannot control what others say and you cannot assume or mind read. Well, at least I don't believe you have esp or any other telepathic abilities that allow you to read the minds of others or influence their behaviors, thoughts and actions. Best we can do is amnipulate others and it's a poor shot at best. People are very complex and sometimes when we think we know exactly how they are going to react they can surprise us. Still, lets go with what you know to be your best judgement. Sounds like your parents willl frak when they see the bill. Fact; the bill is coming. You may be able to get to it before them and it would be better to take it to a state agency and get medical assistance. If you do not have insurance you will not be turned down. Medicaid may indeed cover these expenses for you. Also, men in glasses do not look ugly! LOL To change your situation is to look at things differently, which brings us to 3.

3.) Change your thoughts and you change your results and feelings. If you keep doing things the same way, thinking the same way, ets.. you'll keep getting the same results. You don't want these results so this is a good time to really QUESTION thoughts that bring you down. They are probably bringing you down and caging you in because they are NOT true. The truth shall set you free.

You made a few assertions I would personally challenge. Assertion and prejudice #1) "She was an old lady, and i think i saw laughter in her eyes that she didnt really care or knew whats really going on. " You suspect this to be true but you do not know for sure. Don't believe it. The thought only brings you down, build distrust and prejudice and ultimately is not helpful. There are many reasons she may have been behaving the way she did. Also, it's the past so let it go.

Assertion #2 "and let cops coerced me into believing going to hospital was free. They told me they had to admit ime if i dont have insurance, what i didnt know was that i'll get charged afterward. Im naive, i hate myself more after this." You are not NIAVE. How are you supposed to know the answer to that? What your rights are under these conditions. you didn;t know, no body would know. Don't hate yourself for being human and not knowing the all the bylaws of cop procedure for 1800 suicide hot line phone calls, who deos?"

Assertion #3, " My parents really resent me". Really? have you asked them because maybe its concern or fear coming out in the wrong way. The seem to resent you but maybe their behaviors are from some other emotion than resentment. This thought also brings you down, we cannot verify its accuracy without outright asking them, so it's best to drop the idea or confront them.

Assertion #4 "Im 20 years old i shoudl have a girlfriend at least and living my own place." Where in the book of life is this rule written. Again, you are judgeing yourself by a standard that you believe to be correct. The only true standard for your life is the one that fits. Let go of the commandments that thou shall have a girlfirend and live on your won by age 20. It goes back to wishing you were someone else. Radical acceptance, accept who you are because only then can you embrace the changes you want to make in your life. You are ok. You are wonderfully and beautifully made. You are unique and an asset to this world.

Assertion #5 Not all women are whores, they're are still angels out there.

Assertion #6, "Im afraid this existence is already meaningless, and i've exhausted more than i originally came with. Im afraid if i linger on this world any longer i may bring pain to ppl who didnt have a hand in my suffering. Im afraid to love someone, for that i might let them down. That my existence shall taint theirs." Very powerful and painful. I am sorry you are believing this lie about yourself. You are not meaningless. All life has value. This is the anniversary of 9=11. The firefighters who ran up those steps didn't stop to think about which oones were black, white, asion or hispanic. Which one were poor or rich. Which ones were worthy or life or not, they ALL mattered. Every life is important. Don't let fear and doubt take away your birthright of human value. And you are always growing and learning. I know it can feel like the world takes too much, maybe all we have but in truth we are always learning and gaining more wisdom and experience as a consequence. It's natural to have thoughts like your hurting others with your existence and afraid to taint others with your presence when your depressed. It's a very common thought but it is NOT TRUE. Its an illness that destroys the core of who you think you are. But, change the way you see yourself, change your ideas about who you are and your life starts to change too.

Lastly, do not berate yourself over these changes of thought and the assertions I have made about your viewpoint. You are not wrong. But if anything I have said has meaning for you and can help you incorporate that into your new thought patterns. We can alsways choose our thoughts and our thoughts can change our feelings and behaviors. Powerful thing, thought. I have had a lot of classes on this and thats why I see things from this different perspective. Doesn't make me right but I hope it's something worth considering.

:hug:

 

Dear Overwhelming;

I must agree with what has been said already, especially Luliby. The past has passed - there's no going back to fix or change anything (I would if it were possible). Seeking help is a good thing to do, in my opinion. I'm sorry your help-seeking was such an unpleasant experience. Getting a bill for 'services rendered' will just make for a "more bitter pill to swallow". Is there no financial help available from that hospital? I don't know where you live but in the US many hospitals and health-service-places have financial aid available for those with no money, and fees are often based on income - so one could qualify for free or reduced-fee services. Please investigate whether or not your area has that kind of aid available. I work two part time jobs and still qualify for financial help in lots of ways - help with food and medical care are just two of them, but very necessary for me as I work too much but still don't make enough to be above the federal poverty guidelines.:dry: :sad:

Please ask about such options in your area - it's worth a try.

sending love and hugs and hope,

least

 

I can't believe I read it all, you really did pour your heart in it.
Yeah, I sometimes think about how much easier things can be if I was a witch and had an unlimited spell book.
You're parents are gonna get that bill from the hospital, what's the worse they can do? ... hey my brother's 3 years older than you and he spends heaps of time on the computer without a single girlfriend in his life. I guess it takes time to find a perfect one.
As for a reason to live: If you think you can gain something from living then there's your reason. If you're in a bad mood you're most likely to say "I have nothing to live for" but truth is you do. Do you want to find out what you'll be in a few years time? If you die you'll go away without a single memory of what you've been through. So you wouldn't remember the pain.
If anyone has any objections feel free to say