This friday night i was depressed enough to call 911 and asked for a phone number, suicide hot line or whatever to talk to. The operator gave me one toll free. After i hung up, i cried. When i calmed down abit i called the toll free number. What happened next is the cops showed up cuz they were thought i might be suicidal since i didnt call soon enough( they checked with 800 number before i could dial). I didnt want parents( they asleep) know cops were coming so i went out front door and waited. Basically the cops then forced me to emergency hospital. They tied all my limbs, the doctor took some blood test and urine samples. I waited in the room in the sullen stupid mood i always in, that signals "dont talk to me/ignore me" in public place. Anyway 5 hours later i had talked with a social worker, and they had to let me go after they determined i was not suicidal, i never told about thinking shooting myself orl they would confine me there. I never told the cops im suicidal but they had to force me saying they will wake up my parents if i refuse. Now one more day, the hospital bill will come in mail. My parents dont know any of this, and i dont want them to. Great, now im penniless and how im suppose to pay and hide from my parents the fact of that night. All the social worker did was ask me some questions and i revealed some of my troubled past to her. She was an old lady, and i think i saw laughter in her eyes that she didnt really care or knew whats really going on. Anyway it didnt help and they want me to referred to some mental health instition for consuling which i will not be able to pay, so i putted that off. So i've got maybe 300 dollars bill coming up since i got no insurance, and let cops coerced me into believing going to hospital was free. They told me they had to admit if i dont have insurance, what i didnt know was that i'll get charged afterward. Im naive, i hate myself more after this. My parents really resent me, it kind built up my hatred for myself too. I hate them too, they should just go to hell, they dont deserve life. Im ashame im their son, really ashamed. I only wish i would be somewhere else instead of born with their depressed stupid problems. I could be a total different person. Instead here im not feeling like doing anything. I've decided that i quit video games, TV. They were just distractions from problems i tried to run away from. My computer was taken away cuz i spend too much time on it. My parents were too controling. Of course i dont give a damn. when the night cames, im so bored and restless, i had to turn the radio on listen to hears those depressing songs, most are too naive or crappy. Few feels right. God these ppl have no talent. Everything is miserable, im afraid to go sleep cuz im afraid of feeling empty when i wake up and the days just goes by and by without me feeling happy or worth anything. i had to be in public library to type this. Im 20 years old i shoudl have a girlfriend at least and living my own place. Instead i felt never quiet right. I think my emotional development must have been extinguished by these retarded depressed adults. Im afraid im a half grow-up, with brooding but non of the more rewarding experience like companion ship and intimacy. i feel either my puberty has been incomplete or its been twarfted and im already getting old by the seconds. I had to worry about getting jobs cuz now i have a resentment about ppl around me, im afraid if bosses took out anger on me, i might freak and hurt them. The only ppl i can tolerate are children and girls with innocent looking. They remind me when i kind worship them, when i was years younger. Worst of all its i dont care about anything right now, i mean anything, i feel worthless, so worthless i dont care about taking my own life. You know you have to feel sorry for yourself if you commit suicide. I dont anymore not tiny bit. Im searching for a reason, a worth enough reason to end myself, half-hearttly. Im already kind dead. I need the reason fast but i dont want to hurry. Im always contradicting myself. Nothing makes my kind sense, maybe it never will. Maybe in my youthful eagerness i thought too much good of this world, when my selfishness and vainless showed through pores of life, i could not accept it. It was self-exile, with egos and hopes, pain confusion when puberty came and i first learned about sex, sadden by the fact girls were like (whores i thought) when i worshipped them to be angels. What a let down it was, half of guys reading this must be laughing right now. Im tired feeling inferior, im not, but i cant bring myself to the "fuckers help urself get most out of life by taking advantage of everything, mainly women and children". And past on genes because im so weak to resist the temptation. So i suffer, suffer. Im start to feel like an idiot, i start to make excuse to myself. Im afraid if i see the truth i might die, and die a worthless death as that. Im afraid this existence is already meaningless, and i've exhausted more than i originally came with. Im afraid if i linger on this world any longer i may bring pain to ppl who didnt have a hand in my suffering. Im afraid to love someone, for that i might let them down. That my existence shall taint theirs. So God, if you exist, show me a way out of this, shit. I know maybe i exaggerated a bit or not. I really cant put on the perspective. My mind had been foggy, now its a silent resignation to impassiveness. And at night its restless. Im sick of night by the way, this place, i moved to years ago and now lived shines with luminous night sky. I used to be able to hide in darkness and revel in my feelings. Now i cant even rest at night. I had to pace in my home, caged, im afraid i will become very angry and hurt someone. Maybe i shall leave then, maybe with 3 months of money. Seeing strangers face and wonder what their thoughts about me. Probably nothing. They have their lives and I my brooding. I hate having on these glasses, it makes my eyes look smaller. It took out my individuality my diginity. I dont want these fukin glasses they are ugly, i cant run or jump in them. And if i lose them i will be kind blind. Girls hate guys with glasses too. It remind them of nerd. I was somebody before i had to wear glasss at puberty, cuz my eyes grew too big. It kind distorted my place somewhat too. I had a proud face, an attitude. When i put these damned glasses i feel tame, timid and stupid. My limps no longer moved with ease. Everything i hoped and was sure i would become didnt happen. Im some of the things i always hated. I dont know where to begin the change. Or If i should change it i dont even have anything that times has given or left me. God i nkow if i thought about killing myself years ago, I would have the courage, the enthusiam, the vanity and sadness to do it then. I was just too caught in the thought everything in the world was wrong and was going against me, that i will never falter. Now im not sure those thoughts are manifestation of youth, rebellious i was or an excuse i told myself for falling behind. Are you overwhelmed by reading this? Imagine me going through it then, and keep my sanity. What sacrifice i had to give up on dreams companionship just for the goodness of heart, or stubborness of will, of indigination of failling to protect my diginty. The easy way would be suicide. Im not a coward so i dont want to kill myself. But i dont want to exist as someone's dog, living under other ppl's wills, doing what they want, petuate what they considered good, moral, standard and fukin bloodly serious those fukin mindless educations of dumping their fukin thoughts on to ours! Of going to school just to see other fukin kids your own age have a good time, while you dont knew what to make of yourself, failure or dumb? Of watching ppl in the hall making out, while you dont know your angry or not. I wish i had power to change all this i dont. Do i? No i guess. I can never change what other ppl do, what world does, but they change me... fair? justice? bullshit. I have the will but i have no power to make a difference. Power comes from reaping other ppl off. So i have no power only my will. For someone gave the effot to read this, tell me you dont give a damn. I wouldnt be surprised. Im fukin wrong then? Reply something real, no need to be shy here. Tell it straight. I know this is a pro-life forum, but dont be dishonest here. I wouldnt care if someone offends me or not, not this point i've come too far now.