Almost every day and night I pray that I can go to heaven, that is the only reason I havnt killed myself yet, is becuz I don't want to go to hell (if this isnt hell already). Everyday of my life is more unbearable and the only thought that gets me up and through the day is that "today will be the day i die." I was hoping it would of happened sooner and I am getting impatient. I'm convinced there is absolutely no purpose for me in this world. I hate societal norms, and think this world is nothing but pain and hurt. Life to me is beyond dissappointing and I fail at everything I do. I sat in my car one night with a bottle of sleeping pills and alcohol, hoping to never ever wake up again, but of course I did. When you look at my life from a bigger spectrum, it doesn't seem so bad as compared to others who have no where to live and are starving etc.. but the relentless pain i feel every single day is paralyzing. I've lost the only person I love and watched him move on to pure bliss with another female, we were married, again another fail. My life is not where it should be and ever since I could remember I have focused my life heavily on love, its really the only thing that matters to me, but I don't feel anything anymore. Im 24 years old, I was very social and I still do party alot. I hate to do anything, but the partying helps becuz I drink so much it's impossible to feel any kind of pain, until the next day when I feel like I could jump off a bridge. The highs are worth the lows tho. I have partied alot the last couple of months, and now the main person I party with is not interested in it anymore, and I can't bare to go out with other people. I can't even stand to look in the mirror anymore. I have always been a big hair, makeup, and fashion type of girl, but lately it seems like a chore more than anything. It doesn't matter what I do, I always look disgusting anymore. I barely want to get out of bed. I used to love the summer time, I love tanning and 90+ weather, but all the weather does is piss me off anymore. I used to be the person that alot of people trusted and confided in to tell me there problems knowing I could give them good advice. I don't even want to hear anything anymore. I feel so consumed with trying to find a minimal sense of happiness that I don't even feel like I live in the real world anymore. I don't even feel human anymore. I'm sure losing my Ex is what sent me over the edge but it's not just that. Im can't handle keeping up with society anymore. I have a good job that I can't even focus at and will most likely lose because I can't keep my head straight. I had to move back home, and have outrageous debt with an unsuccessful marriage. I don't see my life getting any better. I have no hopes, wishes, or dreams for the future except to die. I don't feel like I can keep feeling like this everyday. Nobody really knows how I feel and they don't understand. Alot of people think I have it all, when I feel I have nothing. I hate this life of mine, I basically hurt everyone I come in contact with and I already know I am just wasting air everyday. I would give my life for anyone. If I was offered the chance to die, right here right now, I would chose it in a heartbeat. My obsession with dying (since its the only thought I have) is also starting to depress me. If I don't go soon I swear I will do it myself.