I pray everyday to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by loner060, Jun 29, 2010.

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  1. loner060

    loner060 Member

    Almost every day and night I pray that I can go to heaven, that is the only reason I havnt killed myself yet, is becuz I don't want to go to hell (if this isnt hell already).

    Everyday of my life is more unbearable and the only thought that gets me up and through the day is that "today will be the day i die."

    I was hoping it would of happened sooner and I am getting impatient. I'm convinced there is absolutely no purpose for me in this world. I hate societal norms, and think this world is nothing but pain and hurt. Life to me is beyond dissappointing and I fail at everything I do.

    I sat in my car one night with a bottle of sleeping pills and alcohol, hoping to never ever wake up again, but of course I did.

    When you look at my life from a bigger spectrum, it doesn't seem so bad as compared to others who have no where to live and are starving etc.. but the relentless pain i feel every single day is paralyzing. I've lost the only person I love and watched him move on to pure bliss with another female, we were married, again another fail. My life is not where it should be and ever since I could remember I have focused my life heavily on love, its really the only thing that matters to me, but I don't feel anything anymore.

    Im 24 years old, I was very social and I still do party alot. I hate to do anything, but the partying helps becuz I drink so much it's impossible to feel any kind of pain, until the next day when I feel like I could jump off a bridge. The highs are worth the lows tho. I have partied alot the last couple of months, and now the main person I party with is not interested in it anymore, and I can't bare to go out with other people. I can't even stand to look in the mirror anymore. I have always been a big hair, makeup, and fashion type of girl, but lately it seems like a chore more than anything. It doesn't matter what I do, I always look disgusting anymore. I barely want to get out of bed.

    I used to love the summer time, I love tanning and 90+ weather, but all the weather does is piss me off anymore.

    I used to be the person that alot of people trusted and confided in to tell me there problems knowing I could give them good advice. I don't even want to hear anything anymore. I feel so consumed with trying to find a minimal sense of happiness that I don't even feel like I live in the real world anymore. I don't even feel human anymore. I'm sure losing my Ex is what sent me over the edge but it's not just that. Im can't handle keeping up with society anymore. I have a good job that I can't even focus at and will most likely lose because I can't keep my head straight. I had to move back home, and have outrageous debt with an unsuccessful marriage.

    I don't see my life getting any better. I have no hopes, wishes, or dreams for the future except to die. I don't feel like I can keep feeling like this everyday. Nobody really knows how I feel and they don't understand. Alot of people think I have it all, when I feel I have nothing.

    I hate this life of mine, I basically hurt everyone I come in contact with and I already know I am just wasting air everyday. I would give my life for anyone. If I was offered the chance to die, right here right now, I would chose it in a heartbeat.

    My obsession with dying (since its the only thought I have) is also starting to depress me. If I don't go soon I swear I will do it myself.
     
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    hi there it really sounds like you are suffering from depression quite badly, and without any support in place I am sorry to say it will just get worse, there are plenty of people here myself included willing to help you find your feet. One thing about depression is you lose interest in the things you used to enjoy, have you tried talking to your doctor about it?

    Take care

    Rich
     
  3. loner060

    loner060 Member

    I was diagnosed with clinical depression in January but had to stop going to a therapist because I can't afford it and that's when I got a job.
    My schedule makes it impossible to see one. I feel remotely at ease right now becuz I took a bunch of sleeping pills just so I dont have to feel this way anymore.

    I honestly don't know what to do and I am relentlessly heartbroken, depressed, and truly would be happy knowing I would die soon
     
  4. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    You are every important, and needed. I pray that you decide to stop just existing, and that you give life a chance. Blessings..
     
  5. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    A nearby mental health agency that can recommend a clinic that works on a sliding scale according to a person's income. Please don't be alarmed by the onslaught of hopeless thoughts, lack interest in what you used to enjoy, irritability and wishing for your life to end- these are all from clinical depression. The world hasn't become worse and your personality hasn't at all changed for the worse. Depression is treatable- it tends to get better in time on it's own but you sound like you should tell some professionals immediately about how much danger you are in even if you can't care right now.

    Please go to a hospital emergency room tonight and tell them about having made an attempt and the alcohol and drugs you have been taking, okay?
     
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi loner. I'm so sorry that you're suffering so much right now. You're only 24 and have so much to live for. You still have a job, which puts you ahead of a lot of people who are out of work. My advise to you is to pull yourself together so you can focus on your job, so you don't lose it. If you lose your job, it might be difficult finding a new one.

    Also, no one really knows what will happen to our souls when we pass away. It's nice to believe that we will go with God in Heaven, but what if Heaven and Hell are actually right here on earth? Those who enjoy life are in Heaven, while those suffering are in Hell. You can make things better. You need to get help with your depression. You have to regain your will to live. Please don't give up. :hug:
     
  7. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    PLEASE don't pray for negative things....Why not pray for healing and happiness?

    I'm sorry for the great pain you feel. I know it is so hard in the midst of it to feel hope,but it is there. I've felt so hopeless in the past,but hope always arrived eventually.

    There are theraputic options that don't cost money. 12 step groups are free. You can meet some incredible people there who are going through things like you are and will help. You will help them too which can also heal you too. Imagine a whole community of people trying to get well and helping each other. That is what this is here too,

    This wonderful website is here for you too. So many people who think you are important and want to help you and wish you happiness. ALL of us here need you too. PLEASE stay for us and we will all be here for YOU!!!!

    sending you all good and beautiful things,

    Marty
     
  8. loner060

    loner060 Member

    Thank you all for all the encouraging words! I really do appreciate it.

    One thing I have struggled with for a long time is how does prayer work really? How long can you pray for something and not get it. I have been praying for 9 long months to be set free from all the pain I am feeling and I always end up back at step 1, or not even step 1 but below that.

    I fear I dont even know what happiness is anymore. My heart and emotions are completely burnt out and I am starting to care less and less about people and events that are going on in the world. I work in human resources, and I used to want to help everyone with there problems, now I can't even stand to be approached by anyone and my will to help my employees in everyway possible is gone. I feel completely heartless saying this, but an employee of mine got into a bad accident, and I did all I could to help, but felt nothing when I was trying to help. I didn't even want to.... That's not the old me either.

    At age 24 I feel I have lived long enough, to long to be honest. I fear I will never get over my ex, even tho I have tried and he has treated me worse than anyone I can think of. He was physically abusive our whole relationship and left me with permanent scars, physically and emotionally. I had been fighting for a long time now to get him back ( i don't even know why) and he has moved from girl to girl to girl, while giving me false hope of us getting back together. I feel the only reason I want him back is because he is the ONLY person I feel any kind of emotion towards, and I was hoping he could help get me back on my feet. This last time was horrible,we tried to work things out, only to find out he has been with another girl for a long time, and all the blame was put on me once again.

    I feel numbness towards my family, and don't even want to see them anymore. Now that my ex and I are totally done, I feel nothing towards anyone except misery and pain. I am alwas hurting, always sad, or angry. I can fake being happy tho, which misguides alot of people. I try to do my normal routine so no one thinks anything of it. I get ready everyday ( to look acceptable in societal terms ugh) and do what I have to do to seem normal. Im so tired of this, I wish I could be dropped in the middle of a random state and go from there.

    I have tried alot of things to try and feel better, including self help books, talking to friends and family, and I eat pretty good, take vitamins, and workout frequently. Im tired of all this as well, since at nighttime I still feel completely demolished and hoping to die.
     
  9. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you feel that prayer is not helping. Pray harder maybe and open your heart and soul in prayer. Whne I pray with deep feeling and urgency that is when the prayers are answered most quickly. It has always helped me. Sometimes it takes time. But in the end it always helps. I will pray for you now.

    There will be other relationships for you. You seem like a smart and sensitive person so many would want you!!!!

    Have you tried group theraoy? Sometimes that helps because you socialize with those in recovery and they know how you feel and accopt you.

    Whatever you do PLEASE stay her with us. We willoffer you all we have and love and care for you.

    You are welcome to write or PM ,

    Marty
     
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi loner. Being detached from your job is actually a good thing, because you don't want your job to be the source of your depression. Imagine if you were a police officer or an paramedic? You would be exposed to some pretty serious stuff, like being hurt or killed. Being emotionally detached doesn't make you heartless. I am a somewhat emotionally detached person, and this prevents me from sinking into depression during difficult times. I do care for people very much, which is why I come here to SF to help. All I'm saying is, don't be so hard on yourself. :hug:
     
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