I pray for death everyday....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by saltydogmk, May 18, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. saltydogmk

    saltydogmk Member

    I do everything I can to help speed up death. I have extremely high blood pressure which I do not control because I want to have a stroke or heart attack and die. I smoke cigars like crazy and hope to die from that, I don't eat hardly ever hoping that my health will go down hill. I just want the rushing thoughts to stop and I'm so desperate that my ACT team is looking into do electric shock therapy. I'm at my wits end....I cannot continue to live like this and I just want to get the courage up to commit suicide at any cost....I try cutting and that helps for only a short time, then the mental anguish comes flooding back. I've been strong for so many years and I am just so tired of fighting....I know ya'll actually care and that is why I come here to vent, I just wish none of us had to suffer. Anytime I feel happy for a brief moment, I feel guilty for it and I feel like I must suffer for it. Thank you for letting me vent, I hope someday this will all end one way or another...
     
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Would not it be better to pray for wellness? Generally we, as people, hope to get well and we don't normally pray to get worse. Have you considered that it is possible your neglect of yourself (the smoking, not taking your blood pressure medication, not eating) are contributing to your decline in spirits? Could you consider putting the same efforts in more positively to see if you can improve your good feelings and reduce the bad? The drive and devotion that I see from the children who compete in the Special Olympics always inspires me to understand that none of us can ever do enough to try to get well and feel better. Understood that it's a hard road.
     
  3. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    Do you really want to die? Cause you are doing about this all wrong. It feels like you really want to live.
     
  4. saltydogmk

    saltydogmk Member

    I've tried overdosing twice and survived both times, ending up in a coma both times. I know I'm not succeeding in my hunt for death, I see your point about I should be looking for ways to get better. I'm trying everything to get better mentally working with a group of people and stepping out of my comfort zone. It just seems to increase the anxiety attacks and that's what I hate. There can be only pain and suffering in my life, it's all I know. On one hand I do want to live, but I don't want to suffer. Therefore death seems like the only way out....Death can set me free
     
  5. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Death does not set anybody free. It is an end. From death, there is no return, so there is no freedom gained by it. Only by living can there be improvement. Often it seems hopeless. Often it seems out of reach. Often it seems like it will take forever. I remember the first time I tried to ride a bike... wow, I thought I'd never get it. All my friends, as a kid, were already riding. Why could I not get it right? Why could I not do it unassisted without help or training wheels?? Today, however, I ride my bike every evening. Even as a grown adult, I find that the wind rushing through my hair and across my body and my face is a form of freedom that I can't get anywhere else. I bought a Harley and it has sat in my garage for now a year. I start it up and run it, but I have not yet found the courage to ride the mighty beast. I'm back to where I began with the bicycle, except that I'm way older... and the "bike" is much faster and heavier. I won't admit to anyone I know, but I'm afraid of this new bike. Even still, while my wife urges me to just sell it, I hang on in hopes that I will find the courage in me to ride in the wind with it. I will one day. I will find that courage. You must do the same with life.
     
  6. DarknessSurroundsMe

    DarknessSurroundsMe Well-Known Member

    You have my number and my yahoo messanger info if you ever need to talk I am always here for you and always will be. I know how you feel and what your going through. As stated above death is yes a release but a permanent one. Talking to you this past month or two has made me actually smile for once I honestly dont know what I would do without you hun.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.