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i preferred it when things were worse..

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by withoutexit, Apr 15, 2010.

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  1. withoutexit

    withoutexit Member

    i mean, last year i was very underweight and my doctor gave me some meds to gain weight and to kinda help me not think about weight and calories all the time..
    and so i gained a lot of weight. i'm at a normal weight now, the weight they want me to be, but i feel obese and can't live with myself this way.
    i need to feel my bones, to feel empty..
    i feel gross this way..way too fat...
    and can't deal with all this..
    i've not eaten yet today and i don't think i will for the rest of the day.
    i need to starve, i need to feel and BE thin.
    i can't live this way..
    i'm so tired of everything.. :blue::nerves:
  2. Rose24

    Rose24 Chat & Forum Buddy

    recovery is a slow process, being a normal weight does not mean that you're better, Are you getting any emotional support, prehaps counselling?
  3. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    Are the pills your dr. gave you anti-depressants or mood stabilizers? Some of those are notorious for weight gain,

    I've had an ED for nearly 10 years. I was never extremely underweight, but my physical condition because of malnutrition DID put my body at risk for serious complications.

    I made this comprimise with my drs: I would go to therapy, ACTIVELY participate in therapy, and take medications for my mood. In exchange, so long as I didn't look like I was actively losing weight or deteriorating physically, weight would not be brought up. I would first try the medications that don't make you gain weight (I'm on one that actually has appetite suppression as a side-effect) FIRST, and only if those did not work at all would I try the ones more known for weight gain. This was a dangerous compromise on the part of my drs, and still continues to be when I find one who will work with me in this way. When you have an ED, and have for a while, things can do downhill fast. They also don't like making this compromise, and not all will do it. But when looked at as "Which is the lesser of two evils..have someone in treatment on their own terms, or not at all?", I won.

    Things took a very long time, but they started getting better. I went to therapy, I started feeling better. I *very slowly* gained weight. It took me probably three years to hit what is considered a "healthy" weight, but it did happen. Because the weight gain was so slow, it made it easier for me to not freak out.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 15, 2010
  4. withoutexit

    withoutexit Member

    i was in therapy for about a year, but now i'm not.. i left it cause i wasn't making any progress at all,so it was pointless..
    but my parents want me to go inpatient..and i'm too scared to go,i don't want to..
    and yeah, they gave me anti-depressant.. i hate them for this..
    i gained so much weight but my mindset didn't change at all..
    so i've got an anorexic mind in a fat,obese, body..
    that sucks..
  5. Freud

    Freud Member

    Calculate your ideal weight on the Body Mass Index scale, and ask yourself are you really overweight or is it all that in your head.
  6. withoutexit

    withoutexit Member

    according to all those charts i'm not overweight, i'm the weight i'm supposed to be.
    so i suppose it's all in my head, but how can i deal with it, even if it's only in my head?
    cause i have to live with myself, with my body, every single day and i can't do it right now.
    i don't feel anxious only when i'm at least 20 pounds underweight, i can't help it!
    i can't help but feeling "wrong" and "dirty" if i don't behave in a certain way (that is not eating more than a certain amount of calories, or not eating at all or not eating a certain kind of food..and so on..) or see a certain number on the scale..
    this is so unbearable..
  7. Freud

    Freud Member

    Well...you are a step upward because you have acknowledged the problem, now everything you need is self-control, support and maybe therapy.

    Consider that it's your mind telling you this, and you don't have to do it physically (you shouldn't actually stop eating because your mind tells you that).

    Accept that it is that way, that your mind is not telling you the truth (the reality that your weight is normal, and you should feel normal in your body, and not dirty and wrong, in other words the thoughts are lying you and doing damage to your body).

    Be strong, and never let your subconsciousness control your body, you are a smart person and you know the reality, that you are normal weight and should be that way!
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