I push everyone away, I hurt anyone that cares about me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Joseph87, Sep 28, 2015.

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  1. Joseph87

    Joseph87 New Member

    My former best friend now despises me, wants nothing to do with me. The times I got angry I was very cruel to him, I said awful things. I even harassed him for weeks after he said he wanted nothing to do with me. He even called me crying one night, asking me to leave him alone, and that's when I realized what I'd done, what a monster I became. I really can't blame him for not forgiving me, I don't deserve it. He is a wonderful person, someone I loved with all my heart, and I caused him nothing but pain, stress and sadness. That makes me feel like garbage. I even adviced him to call the police if I ever said anything hurtful to him ever again.

    I've pushed good people away before. A few years back a psychologist said I have a borderline personality. I know personality disorders aren't easy to treat, that there's no "cure" and that I'll live with this for the rest of my life. I wonder if it's worth it.

    My mother is the only real family I have left. The day she dies I'll be all alone. I can't connect with anyone without screwing things up. Sure, I have acquaintances, but that's not the same as having someone you can confide in.

    My dad died little over four years ago and I never told him how much I cared because I didn't know he was going to die. My sister hanged herself and I didn't notice the signs right in front of me. This doesn't hurt anymore, but goes to show how useless I am to those around me. Not only do I cause them pain, but I can't give them any peace.

    I don't want to go from one doomed relationship to the next. I don't want to make friends or fall in love just to end up hurting the other person's feelings and mine. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to be alone either.

    I've been thinking about killing myself for weeks now. I've had suicidal thoughts before, but they've never lasted this long. That way I wouldn't be able to hurt anyone ever again and the pain would stop.

    I feel so guilty about the things I've done and the way I've screwed up my life.

    Please don't be too harsh on me. I know there's no excuse for what I've done and that I should be punished harshly for it.
     
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    You don't need to be punished, it sounds like you are doing a good job of punishing yourself. Where do these feelings of self hatred stem from? People with borderline personality disorder have a fear of real and perceived abandonment so they push people away, then punish themselves when the person actually decides enough is enough and actually does close off the relationship for good and form unstable relationships that revolves around this fear. It is a condition that can be treated, managed and can be placed in remission. Have you ever received DBT? It's the gold standard of therapy for people with BPD and has massive success rates. You may want to look at this thread as there are some helpful links, resources and information: https://www.suicideforum.com/thread...ity-disorder-what-is-bpd-signs-of-bpd.141666/
     
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