I quit... its been a rough road for me.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Dubstepper, Jan 21, 2010.

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  1. Dubstepper

    Dubstepper Staff Alumni

    Like my title says...

    I've been down this path too many damn times to remember.. I've bottled it up in hopes that I can live with it buried and never travel here again.
    My platinumscars are here, and despite my namechange, and my sig, I still feel like I have failed myself, you all, and mostly... the ones whom I love. It's easy to rise above the cutting and the bruising, and the burning, and the self torture. It's physically easy... I won't say a single word about how brutal it is mentally, and emotionally, to fight day in and night out with the thought that one day, just ONE day, will change where you decide to be...

    It takes 3 words to take a good life and put it in hell. I MESSED UP. Those are my 3 words. I am suicidal, yes. That is a common fact upon every person who has ever done exactly what I did when I joined nearly 2 years ago. I googled Suicide Method. I'm here because my body forced me to take this shot and say, well hey! These people are going through shit too! I'm going to see if they can help....

    I lost that battle tonight. I'll be on the site and in chat all night. This may or may not be my last one. If so, I'll take this time to say I'm sorry to those I leave behind.

    I'm sorry I hurt you, and left you without explaining myself. I'm sorry for leading you along like I was someone who overcame, and wanted to be an inspiration to ANYONE. I'm not any kind of inspiration. I'm a failure. To you, to me, to everyone who planned on trusting me. I'm not worth the dedication that I gave each and every one of you. I formed friendships with people who will forget who I was in 3 to 4 months. I might make papers, but ink fades fast.

    I don't write wills. That's unnecessary in life. Who cares who you WANT to have whatever you want them to have? You didn't choose how, when or who gave it to you yourself, so you shouldn't just pass items along if the items meant something to you. It just means you are giving a piece of your life to someone who doesn't deserve to have what you spent money or anything upon.
    So with that, I say this... I want just one good writer to complete "Infinity is Zero". That's all I want. If I don't finish tonight, I pray someone will take up my failure.

    Again... I'll be here on the forum and in chat all night. God be with me as I fight this fight. I need my friends here with me, just as I have been with them.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi, we have not met and I am not sure what your old usernamer name used to be but regardless Mike I care about what you are going through.
    If need be I will be up all night with you and talk with you...you were right two years ago to keep trying, though I am sure it doesn't FEEL that way right now.
    I have a hard time imaging it has all been shit the past two years, or has it, I don't want to assume here but the law of averages says there has to have been good times too.

    Do you mind me asking why now? I mean why tonight to throw out hope and say to hell with it? I really care and you can PM me if you prefer...sorry I don't ever feel like I belong in chat but I will go there if that is where you want to talk.

    I hope you consider talking, you have nothing to lose and maybe, just maybe it will help, you will never know unless you try.

    Sorry if but what was your previous username?

    I care I really do....well I am here!

  3. Dubstepper

    Dubstepper Staff Alumni

    i used to be _platinumscars_, but i changed it so that i could start a new chapter without cutting... but from the moment I came back to the forum, I swore that the minute it gets to be too much for me to contain, that would be the end of it. We are human, and we have limits, but if you keep the negativity to the bottom of life, you should be fine... until it rushes up and bites the f**k out of you.

    Tonight, for the simple fact that tonight is the night I cracked. I admit I have my accomplishments, who doesnt? but when there is nobody to congratulate you on those, who is really there? I figured out tonight that I am just one person trying to help so many other people that just, in turn, couldn't care less about me when I ask for help.
  4. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hey I sent you a PM...I am a cutter too..well I have not done it in years but the scars are there..kinda creeped me out that you call them platinum cuz mine are all shiny skin scars...the attempts anyways the cut too but the burns are just mangled flesh.. anyhow they are like platinum...shiny, whitish (mine wont tan so they stick out) and last forever...fade sure but the one on my neck is well obvious
  5. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    oopps sorry pressed submit too early..anyhow I am around and would love to talk...I am here so all your giving has come back around...a stranger yes but then again my life is like that, full of the unexpected so who knows...we could maybe end up great friends afterall you are in Cali like me..well please write back
  6. Dubstepper

    Dubstepper Staff Alumni

    well, feel free to IM me, bambi.
  7. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    okay shall do
  8. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    :( i cared when you asked for help :unsure: you know where i am :hug:
  9. Dubstepper

    Dubstepper Staff Alumni

    guys, please accept my apologies... i know who is here for me, and who isn't. i know who you are.. the ones who care. i just want to say i've backslide. its time to see if i can start over on a new year. March 13, 2009-January 21, 2010... almost a year..

    ill always be here for those who need me... i refuse to let go, even though i have failed. I owe a million xo's to izzie.. thats a seperate post though.
  10. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    :hug: Rock on Mikel ... hope you feel better soon :)
  11. Dubstepper

    Dubstepper Staff Alumni

    thanks Joe...

    i regret <I edit it myself> but i couldn't help it...
  12. Dubstepper

    Dubstepper Staff Alumni

    *sigh* everyone...

    im sorry for what i said in my first post..
    I just want to clear the air and make it known that I know you are around for me. just as i am for you. I let myself down, and thats all there is to it. I'm safe now, and im feeling normal... well, as normal as possible.

    Finally, let me repeat it..

    I'm safe. I love you all. I'm still here. Every single person here means the world to me.
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