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i dont know why im telling this but i had to tell someone, i feel shit about it, it felt like i was blowing her off or something when i asked for just the meds, im back on a waiting list but since i asked for just meds she now thinks im a junkie.. Fuck.
i wish it was such a clear arrangement, it went i dont know, i had an appointment with her and felt okay at the time (even though 2 hours before i felt like jumping in front of a train when my brother kept busting my balls about me being a loser) but then she said im for depressions only and you have add, and so i said well for add i only need medication, and dont see the point in therapy, and i didnt feel depressed at that time in fact im probably at a plateau, but dont worry ill slip again soon. the thing is i couldnt say that to her, i didnt have the heart the session is normally an hour but after 20 minutes she said okay, well ill ask the psychiater for meds and i didnt know what to say so i said to her my mom had found cocaine in my jacket 2 weeks ago(she found it months ago and it wasnt so big) but i just didnt want to quit therapy i dont know i dont see the point of therapy but missing it would mean i have nothing to fall back on, i am now on a add course, or well ive been signed on a waiting list for the add course which could take weeks but untill then im alone and maybe the psychiater will think im a junk too and ill be on my own for an indefinate period of time, i am very busy with school but find it hard to focus, i really wish i could use some cocaine to up my concentration and my happiness, but i havent in months and dont want to start it because i really want the ritalin, i digress. yesterday everything was so clear today the water is muddied again, im not sure if i can take this much longer, if i had just died at 14 the complications wouldnt have mattered, im a complicated man, and i will be for quite some time. im back on my own and ill have to be a big girl now and sort everything out on my own or die trying is what everything points to
I feel the same way about my therapy sessions. I dont really see the point, it doesnt seem like we really accomplish anything. But yet if my therapist cancels a session or I cant make one I feel lost. Guess it feels the way it does because it is the one place where someone seems to give me an hour to just talk. No explaining every little feeling or thought. It's my hour!!! I hope that you are able to find another therapist and that somehow the wait for the ADD course moves quickly. Here if you want to talk about it :arms:
the thrill is gone, my lust for life is over. prediction: alcohol, puts laptop on and sits behind it watching shows, surfing web, pretending like hes busy, thinking about what school he should but doesnt do, feeling okay if he doesnt jerk off getting high on the testosteron overdose, but once you do cum the fire is out, the depression is on, i will never amount to something i should put myself down, this is nothing for the world to endure such a loser. maybe soon i finally dare to, moments from absolute breakdown, destination: rock bottom, dont know how far, i might be there but ill crash and burn and ill be nothing but a mess of blood and bones. damnit damnit damnit i hope ill never wake up
forgot to add: gamble his money away and put himself in a big fat debt, just another 100 down the drain, but will he stop no hes addicted how can gambling be addicted it doesnt even have substance just quit the fucking habit already but no... not even that is possible for him, what an idiot i hope hell finally die already
no matter what i do i never finish it, i cant even get car tires replaced, i make plans how to do it etc but the next step will not be made, why? hes a complicated motherfucker that overloads too easily, hes an unreliable one, but i heard he had talent somewhere hidden down deep too bad he never dips into that shit and makes icecream
i dont know where to start how to start how to stop i have no idea how to calibrate that shit, same around humans cant hold a damn normal conversation, just sit there silent like a motherfucker, or run routines, or start monologing but never the calibrated conversations that most people can have about unimportant things like the weather or i dont know, i suck at that shit like a dog rolling in horsecrap
i cant even hold a bank account without plundering it, i live as sober as possible but when it comes to gambling act like a fucking millionaire, how the fuck is that possible im as cheap as shit but still i manage to hand over all my money to casino's and sportsbetters, its no surprise i dont make nothing, its a recipe for disaster
i feel like im absolutely gonna loathe life soon enough to finally quit it and be just another name on a tombstone
why dont i, whats holding me back tell me i dont know myself why does nothing happen, why does nothing but then nothing happen why does nobody know, not even myself what the hell do i want
That's a ton of self hate. I'm so sorry to hear of all the troubles you are trying to overcome. And yes I say overcome. You're here and you're venting and getting it out. That my friend is still considered making an effort to move forward instead of falling down and out. And I'm really sorry that I dont have all the answers. I wish I could throw them all out there for you to make your struggle a little easier. But I can offer to keep listening. Something tells me that was just the tip of a huge iceberg. Keep posting, get it out so that it doesnt swallow you whole.
it is impossible for me to feel sad anymore it seems i cant get in touch with my emotions anymore the passion is gone, its like my nerves are shut off and i know what i should do but the next logical step of actually doing it seems to be missing, am i afraid of it, or am i just lazy i dont know where i can get help, if i would tell someone in my surroundings they would just try to laugh it off and say its nothing if i go to a professional i have no clue if i can trust professionals and even if i did ill just be put on another waiting list, i keep being told what i shouldnt do but never what i should do, i am blindfolded in a twilight zone without a sense for direction
what am i doing, why am i still here. is the question that plagues me. what is the point of making plans for the future if you´re not gonna follow through, im at a point where i dont know what im gonna do the passion is gone, the fire is out. ill just be muttering madness, knowing ill die poor, drunk and alone
That's what psychiatrists do. This is a very normal arrangement.
As for asking for drugs making a person a junkie, that's silly. I think we'd all much rather take the pills and skip the therapy, given the opportunity. Therapy sucks.
Putting someone on a waiting list for mental health services is dangerous. It reminds me of the veteran who went to the VA and said he was suicidal. They said they didn't have a bed for him, so he went home and killed himself. I would too.
did they let the veteran walk out of there, what assholes. id have given up my bed for that guy, ill rather sleep on the floor then let the veteran go. but thats the point really here, they get paid for how many hours they can log in with patients in our dutch system, and yeah its all paid for by the government mostly but it mathers relatively little moneywise for the mental hospitals whether they give an hour of psychologist time or psychiatrist time and there are way more psychologists than psychiaters so there is no stimulus for hiring enough psychiaters and hence the waiting list is enormous, it feels like the system is just built on sucking out money than to help people. patients are only there to be squeezed out and wrap their lips around the mighty erection that is the mental health industry and suck just like a good ***** should