• We had a slight glitch and the forum deleted about 80 threads at random - we are restoring them currently but you may have had an alert saying your thread was deleted - please ignore this and do not be concerned. Thanks, Freya :)

I Ran Away for a Night (no regrets)

LostGirl22

To live would be an awfully big adventure
#1
Last night was the most horrible night I've ever had. I had the absolute worst breakdowns and I was feeling extremely suicidal. I cried and cried for hours and couldn't stop shaking and felt like making another attempt. I was literally just baking when I just found myself crying on the kitchen floor absolutely devastated and broken. I came to SF to try and calm myself down but it didn't work and I am so sorry to everyone who tried to help me.

I called my friend up since the crisis line wasn't working. It was completely out of character for me because I am always so terrified of the thought of bothering actual friends with my problems. We talked on the phone until 2-3am and I just kept crying and crying. I felt so pathetic and destroyed and mortified for having caused him trouble. I smoked a cig and tried to calm down but everything was just so painful. He then surprised me by offering to come over and just getting me out of the house.

My house is extremely hard to get to and just very out of the way. However it's well guarded and impossible to sneak in and out of without alerting everyone else inside. I was hesitant but I just wanted to get out. I was tired. I wanted to run away and just escape the demons in my room. So I agreed. It was a fucking panic attack to get out of the house alone. My anxiety was through the roof and I kept trying to make sure that no one noticed I was gone. Getting out of the actual lot was also a nightmare because all of the dogs were making noises and just.... Im getting massive anxiety just thinking about it. Anyways my friend arrived and we just went off. The tears were spent already and I was exhausted from the anxiety and the sadness. He actually allowed me to smoke in the car (dont worry I held it out the window). We just drove around and decided to go to McDonalds. I have an ED and going out for fastfood at 3am breaks so many of my rules. I almost backed out of ordering. But I didn't. And for once I was myself. Myself but broken and fucked up on so many levels. I had fun, I allowed myself to eat. I feel bad though since my friend offered to pay and just... he put so much effort into driving and coming to my house and I feel so bad for all the hassle I've caused. I'd be lying however if I said I didn't feel comfort in knowing that someone was actually trying to make me feel better...

It was fun. We drove to a park and just talked about the randomest shit and I just kept rambling about calories and how fucked up life was but I wasn't afraid. I allowed myself to have fun. To be messed up and just accept things. Radical acceptance as my therapist calls it. Then we drove around and I just had so much anxiety thinking that I'd been discovered. But as we got nearer I realized that I was anxious about being in that house and just feeling trapped. I didnt want the night to end. So we drove around some more and I shared my demons and the entire time he just held my hand and listened. Sometimes I forgot that I was a sad depressed teen. I found the old me for awhile. For a moment. And then it was gone.

I asked my friend if he just wanted to wait in the lot and talk but I was also anxious of being alone at 5am in the damn house. But shit guess what my parents woke up and just... it was a shitshow because they saw him in the garden and got scared but then I showed up and explained. And they were okay. I think they heard the desperation and just the sadness.... I really thought they'd kill me for letting a guy in at 5am. Im not stupid, I know that people would assume something else but Im not like that. My parents just let us in and we talked (my parents left the room) and I just felt so much better. My anxiety wore off and he stayed until 7am. My parents were chill. My dad talked to me and said it was okay and that if I needed a friend to come over I'd tell him next time but he was chill. He understood especially since yesterday I took a very important college exam. He knew I was stressed about not making it. I just feel overall so much better.

I glanced at my calendar and didnt feel as much dread. I just... I feel lighter. Like the room just lit up and that the possibility of making it to next week is... possible. There were moments when we were driving when I thought of jumping out and just letting incoming traffic have it. There were moments when I thought of jumping out and actually running out and disappearing. I dont want to die, I just want the pain to stop, I want to stop being a problem and making bigger problems. I want to stop being the person I loathe. But I am glad that despite it, I had a moment of freedom.
 

Ineluki

The Storm King
Chat Pro
#3
*hug Lost

I am glad you called a friend and didn't just run away on your own.

Sometimes our emotions get overwhelming and we just need to escape. You did it in a very responsible way tho and I am also glad your parents did not overreact when you got home.
 

LostGirl22

To live would be an awfully big adventure
#5
*hug Lost

I am glad you called a friend and didn't just run away on your own.

Sometimes our emotions get overwhelming and we just need to escape. You did it in a very responsible way tho and I am also glad your parents did not overreact when you got home.
thanks Luki, I just felt the need to escape. Im also very grateful that my parents didn't kick him out or overreact but Im just ashamed for causing so much trouble for everyone.
 

SleepyOwl

The sleepiest of Owls
SF Supporter
#7
Lost *hug

I'm so glad you were able to connect with your parents when you got back and they understood what you needed during that time. It sounds hopeful that you can go to them in future if you feel like that again and talk things through.

I'm also glad you had that night... it sound like you needed to just let go and be yourself... and what an awesome friend :) Sounds to me he was happy to be there for you which is a really special thing.

*hug
 

LostGirl22

To live would be an awfully big adventure
#13
Lost *hug

I'm so glad you were able to connect with your parents when you got back and they understood what you needed during that time. It sounds hopeful that you can go to them in future if you feel like that again and talk things through.

I'm also glad you had that night... it sound like you needed to just let go and be yourself... and what an awesome friend :) Sounds to me he was happy to be there for you which is a really special thing.

*hug
Thanks Owl *hug maybe. They're usually very cold actually which is why I was surprised that they didnt skin me alive after that ahahah and yeah, he said he enjoyed helping :) thank you Owl *hug
 

LostGirl22

To live would be an awfully big adventure
#14
I'm proud of you for reaching out and doing what you needed to keep safe @LostGirl22, and glad you have a friend who cares so much. *hug
i'm glad you're feeling better now
I'm so glad you had your friend. And that you reached out!! Yay you!!! I hope today is a good day *hug
Hope everything is going at least a little bit better for you now. Good luck lost!
Thank you all so much *grouphug Im also very thankful/grateful to have you guys around to keep me in check
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$135.00
Goal
$255.00
Top