I ran out of reasons for wanting to be alive

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by aaronclay16, Feb 11, 2015.

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  1. aaronclay16

    aaronclay16 New Member

    I just discovered this forum today, and I am posting my story in hopes that somebody could give me some form of advice. I am 17 years old and no longer have any fight left in me. My depression started when I was about 12. I suffered through years of watching my parents abuse each other, both physically and mentally. My dad was gone for months at a time for work and has basically missed about half of my life. When I was 14 my mom told my sisters and I we were moving out of our house away from my dad. When he returned home he called the police because he wasn't aware of this. Eventually we moved back in with him and things only got worse from there. My dad kept asking my mom for a divorce and she was refusing. They tried counseling for about a year and nothing helped.

    In September 2013 I met the most amazing girl in the world. She changed my life. We only dated for about a year but we fell in love with each other quickly. She had a rough past as well, she was adopted by her grandmother because her mom was bipolar and had schizophrenia. She was suicidal for a long time and I was always there to help her. She was my best friend and we got along so well. You may think its insane to talk about being in love with anyone at such a young age but I was 100% convinced I was going to spend the rest of my life with this girl. Everything was incredible for the most part until about August 2014. She began acting very distant for some reason and I tried everything to help our relationship. Finally on September 20, 2014 she gave up on me. I was heartbroken. Every relationship I had been in ended like this, but I never fell so hard for someone like this. I would've died for her and still would.

    During the year we dated my parents were finalizing their divorce. Almost as soon as the divorce was announced to my family, I found out my dad had another girlfriend. My dad was doing everything he could in court to take away all the money my mom had. For the whole year me and my girlfriend were together my mom struggled with money. I was unable to get my license or get a job. We were stuck, and this was affecting my relationship terribly.

    4 weeks ago I decided I've had enough of the entire situation. My friends stopped caring, my ex-girlfriend rarely talked to me. My entire family was miserable, but nowhere near as miserable as I was. I decided to run away. I headed for the coast and made it there in only about half a day just hitchhiking. I was only gone for 2 days until I was found. Surprisingly some of the happiest days I ever had. I ended up staying with my aunt in Big Sur, California. I could honestly say in that week I was consistently the happiest I've been in years, but all good things come to an end. I come back to realize my ex had been texting and calling me like crazy. She was telling me things like "you're the only person I could ever love like that", and "I will make a true promise to never let you go again. We met up the following Saturday and things went better than I could have ever expected. We talked like we were still dating (we hadn't seen each other in 4 months). That night I ran into her at a party, and she completely ignored my existence the entire night. Finally after realizing I had been sitting outside most of the night, she came and talked to me. She told me she never wanted to get back together with me again, out of nowhere, and it was final.

    So here I am, 4 days after that. I haven't slept. I've been going to counseling for 2 weeks now, nothings helped. My first option would be to run away again, but if I'm found I will be put in jail. I think about suicide every day and I am leaning towards that. I want my life to end so badly, I've seen my parents do the most horrific things to each other, seen some of the closest people in my life pass away, the girl I loved more than life itself told me she does not want me anymore. I'm giving up.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Can you not ask your Aunt if you could move in with her for awhile and explain to her how unhappy your feel and how you felt when you stayed at her place
    Maybe your aunt will let you stay there for awhile
  3. aaronclay16

    aaronclay16 New Member

    I've thought about it absolutely, but she has two kids to take care of as well. The earliest something like that would even be able to happen is August or September, and at this point my suicidal thoughts are constant. I'm set on ending it, I just haven't figured out how.
  4. Inspire&Inquire

    Inspire&Inquire SF Supporter

    Its the girl that's doing this to you. All you've got to do, if you really want to get better is think about all the things you hate about that girl and then tell her. "I'm on the lookout for a new girlfriend, one with bigger boobs than you, like way bigger, so if you see one give them my number and put in a good word for me will you doll?" Just if you are going to kill yourself at least wait for her to respond to that.
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