I reached out for help and it is giving me total anxiety and I wish I would have never said anything. I really want to run away. Apparently my actions and thoughts were worrying my best friend. She alerted my band director, who I am close to because I am the band captain. He sat down and talked to me. I let him be aware somewhat. He asked if I would like some help, someone to talk to. It seemed as though all time slowed down and all the voices in my head had a talk. 90% of me wanted to run far far away really fast. I just said yes. Yes please. What seems lifetimes later, I was called to talk to the school therapist. She somehow got out of me that I was feeling suicidal and I had attempted suicide when I was 12. I tried to tell her I thought was manic depressive, but I hinted at it. She told me I have to change my schedule and reduce the things I do because I have too much stress. Which could be true. I wouldn't wish my schedule and worries on my worst enemy. I calculated I only have 15-20 to clean, homework, college applications, online classes, and regular veggitative state time. The biggest thing she wanted me to do is to share this info with my teachers. When she told me that, I wanted to run away. So hard and so fast. I wanted to run. To the people around me, I am a pillar of strength. Everyone relies on me. How I come out and tell them this pillar has a self desruct button? How can I tell them that I'd rather be dead than be in there class, not because I do not like their class, but because I just want to be dead? Not in a million years would I have guess that I would reach out for help in high school. I was always going to wait until I went to college. College is going to be less stressful because I'm not going to have so many obligations. People wouldn't know me and wouldn't rely on me. I would have time to fix myself. I suppose I have to trust that it can get better. She gave a list of things to do. I'll try to do them all. I just want happiness and I've had it before. I suppose that's why this hurts so much. I just want to be happy.