I Reached Out For Help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jacey, Oct 21, 2011.

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  1. Jacey

    Jacey Member

    I reached out for help and it is giving me total anxiety and I wish I would have never said anything. I really want to run away.

    Apparently my actions and thoughts were worrying my best friend. She alerted my band director, who I am close to because I am the band captain. He sat down and talked to me. I let him be aware somewhat. He asked if I would like some help, someone to talk to. It seemed as though all time slowed down and all the voices in my head had a talk. 90% of me wanted to run far far away really fast. I just said yes. Yes please.

    What seems lifetimes later, I was called to talk to the school therapist. She somehow got out of me that I was feeling suicidal and I had attempted suicide when I was 12. I tried to tell her I thought was manic depressive, but I hinted at it.

    She told me I have to change my schedule and reduce the things I do because I have too much stress. Which could be true. I wouldn't wish my schedule and worries on my worst enemy. I calculated I only have 15-20 to clean, homework, college applications, online classes, and regular veggitative state time. The biggest thing she wanted me to do is to share this info with my teachers. When she told me that, I wanted to run away. So hard and so fast. I wanted to run. To the people around me, I am a pillar of strength. Everyone relies on me. How I come out and tell them this pillar has a self desruct button? How can I tell them that I'd rather be dead than be in there class, not because I do not like their class, but because I just want to be dead?

    Not in a million years would I have guess that I would reach out for help in high school. I was always going to wait until I went to college. College is going to be less stressful because I'm not going to have so many obligations. People wouldn't know me and wouldn't rely on me. I would have time to fix myself.

    I suppose I have to trust that it can get better. She gave a list of things to do. I'll try to do them all.

    I just want happiness and I've had it before. I suppose that's why this hurts so much.

    I just want to be happy.
  2. capecodfish

    capecodfish New Member

    It takes a lot of strength to reach out for help and to be willing to give it your all. I am sending you peace. You did a good thing.
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Jacey trying to put on strong face and mask when you are really hurting inside takes a lot of effort most times.. better to let some of real you out to others as you can..

    also suggest perhaps you should try to get some professional counseling with a real mental health person.. better now when still young and time to help you and get you to a much more confortable position.. Jim
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun i think too you should get some professional councilling before you head to college get yourself stable before college starts okay that way when stressors come out of the blue and they will in college you will have coping skilll to deal with them hugs to you
  5. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    College isn't going to magically be better. Why did you sign up for so many things? If you're going to do something similar then it's going to be much, much worse. You need to learn how to de-stress now and start enjoying your life more, instead of putting it off until the future. You can do it! I know you can.
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