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i really can use some help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sick_and_tierd, Jun 16, 2010.

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  1. i am feeling very suicidal(i think?)i mean i want to die. i dont want to be here but i am afraid so does that mean i wont do it? really i see no other way. actually i could use some help. is there any way for someone who has thoughts of hurting little kids to get better? i mean the only way i can rid myself of the memories of abuse to me and my abuse to nephew is to kill myself. i was going to do it tommaro but i am having such a hard time lieing to everyone without actually lieing. i had attempted suicide about a month ago for the same disgusting thoughts and it hasnt gotten any better. its gotten worse. i look up things like japanese stuff....im horrible....holy fuck is there a way to stop these thoughts? i DONT want to hurt anyone in any way but hurting my family thru suicide is better than hurting a little kid. i have tried to reach out to mental health professionals(therapist and my housing manager and even crisis services) but basically if i dont have an actual plan to hurt someone i dont get the help. I WANT THESE THOUGHTS TO GO AWAY!!! my staff is worried...heck everyone is worried. today was real hard because i had actually wanted to follow thru so i wasnt gunna tell. but IF there is a way to get rid of these thoughts and my memories(therapy dosnt really work but i really havnt delved into the abuse) then i would not kill myself. its hard i guess. please help(ill leave it at that)
  2. Sica

    Sica Well-Known Member

    what do you mean about "bad" thoughts? IDK do you mean hurting little kids?
  3. yes...i was abused and i hate to say it but it is hard to not do what you learned. its like its engraived in my head. but yes that is what i mean. here (i hope) is the safe place i can talk...and wont be judged or get in trouble. i mean gosh im only 20....i shouldnt be this way...but i dont know...we will see. wow i write a book and a half....sorry
  4. Sica

    Sica Well-Known Member

    Personally, I don't know what to tell ya since I have never been in your situation, but I doubt you'd hurt a child if your thinking of suicide. It shows the extend of how much you care for your nephew. You should remember that.
  5. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    I was also abused as a child, physically, mentally, emotionally, physically, you name it. But I went the other way, and I can't lay a hand on another human being, as I know how much it can destroy others.

    I don't know if you have any religious background, but praying and asking for forgiveness would be a good start.

    And counselling can't work unless you are ready to tell your therapist everything. If they don't take you seriously, find someone else. You do not want to hurt another child (it sounds like you might have abused your nephew already, have you been to a criminal trial because of that?) If you did abuse your nephew, and it hasn't come out, now is the time. You need to turn yourself in, and get help that way if necessary.

    I hope you can get the help you need.
  6. no i have not been on a criminal trial. i was seven and twelve when i hurt him. the physical was worse than sexual(seeing as the sexual only occurred twice and it was not"serious"(even tho all forms of abuse are serious)) my sister didnt know why i did it until i was 16 and came out with what my dad did to me. but that didnt help because she dosnt believe that my dad sexually abused me. having people not believe you is no fun:(
    so all i drempt about was the japanese porn crap. i guess im going through with it seeing as i have tried praying religiously and all god does is screw me over and therapy probly wont help. and i know this is a stupid thing to be suicidal about but 1) i dont like these thoughts and confronting my own abuse is hard already and 2) believe it or not i do have severe emotional problems that arnt being helped by medicine and basically everything about life sucks. im judged no matter where i am for everything that i do/think and i am tierd of people thinking that i am doing this for attention. i am not making up lies to make people feel bad and i dont do what i do for attention. i do what i do because i genuinly feel bad. it seems like there is no one out there who understands and i am sick and tierd of constantly sticking up or explaing myself. its weird tho because last night i got a random email from a guy named jerry. aparently he had read my xanga(blog) and "had tears for me" and hoped that i was alright. i cried. i know people care( even people i have never met in my life) but the what if's are unbearable.
    and maybe me wanting to commit suicide is a sign that id never hurt a kid because of the emotional pain but i cant take those chances. i took off volenteering and doing laundry with a friend. hopefully im doing the right thing. ive gotta go clean because my staff would kill me two times over if i left a dirty house. hey it was worth a try(reaching out)
  7. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    It happened to me at 16 to this day i feel like im dirty man get help dont put a kid thrgh this and plus ya own mental state.You know how you feel now imagine ya nephew when they get older help is the answer here become tht better person GOD BLESS
  8. thanks spidy...and everyone else but its not going to get better. i called my friend and she was worried; told me to call her back at eight. so i put off what i was going to do for three hours and i called her back but she did not answer. ive reached out...hasnt worked....i dont want to go to the hospital so no more reaching out. ive got the stuff. i think im gunna go now. sorry to waste your time....love always
  9. i did try but i guess i cant go through with it. i am not a nurse and i do not know my bodys anatomy. but i guess that is a good thing?

    so it was bad. i called crisis services to speak with outreach(because they told me to call day or night they would be there) and they wernt. so i tryed to talk with some other lady. i told her i had been suicidal and i tried to seriously hurt myself. i thought i may need medical care(seeing as it was bad) but i wasnt sure if i should go to the hospital. she had asked if i still felt like hurting myself. i said no. so she told me to wait until tommarro to talk with my doctor and outreach. i just find it kinda funny that i told her i had recently talked to crisis services, i was suicidal, and i attempted to seriously hurt myself that needed medical attention. hmm. well it is better than them putting me on hold(which they have done twice) and my staff wonder why i dont like talking to them :p.

    well tommarro i see my doctor and therapist...HOLY CRAP! i just remembered that its summer and its too hot to wear long sleeves but my arm warmers wont go up as high as i need them :s grr..well i learned a lesson....maybe my therapist WILL ber able to help me?? good night
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I feel for you.. I was molested when I was twelve and tried suicide when I was thirteen,..I would have succeeded if my friends didn't pull me out of the water..I'm glad you are in therapy.. You need to be honest and tell them everything so they can work up a plan to help you.. Don't be afraid because they are trained to keep you calm..I wish you luck..
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