I really cant do this.. want to attempt... now

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by lav11, May 11, 2012.

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  1. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member


    so im staying in a short term place for accomodation because of my mother and all the abuse and what not..

    I was a massive self harmer before i went in there.. It was the only way i knew how to stay alive... Im not allowed to self harm at all when im a resident there.. or i get kicked out and will basiclle be on the streets.
    i drank, not a lot but occassionly id just get smashed so i dont have to think.. im not allowed to drink at the shelter or i get kicked out
    I did some drugs, again not alot but when i did i didnt care what it was... i cant do that or im out..
    I wouldnt eat for days on end i was so worried about my weight.. again not allowed to do that here
    i would purge if i did eat.. not allowed to do that
    I attempted suicide ALOT.. when i say alot i mean about 2 attempts every month for the last year.. and has over 16 admissions to an adolescence psych ward in 1 year... Not only is that an immediate exit, but thats a off to hospital, everyone informed and not allowed back

    Every single one of my coping strategies is gone, every single one of them.. and then i get told im makeing progress and its time to start talking about the abuse because im in a better headspace.. IM GOING TO LOSE IT, ok admittedly ive at times been doing a lot better then i was, im away from all the abuse, i dont have any fresh marks from it, and the shelter is brilliant...
    In saying that though there are times like right now where i cant handle it, i dont know why i stay here when i want to attempt so badly, i want to work on this abuse with my T but how can i when i know its just going to re-trigger me, and even if it wasnt i dont know how to verbalise anything

    I was raped most of my life, by more people then i can count, my brothers father slept with me the day he was born do you know how disguisting that is, im a disgrace, disguisting, horrible person...how can any one say this to another person. How do you verbalise such acts..

    I want to self harm, i cant or i get kicked out so may as well just attempt and take my chances yet again with death

    i cant handle feeling like this anymore
  2. pppqp

    pppqp Well-Known Member

    honey, you are not a disgrace or disgusting. you were raped okay? you have been through lots of traumas. don't blame yourself.
    please do not self harm anymore. you can fight the urge. if you are about to do it, pause. then breathe in... breathe out, slowly count your breaths and focus on them. you will see that the urge to hurt yourself is just spur of the moment. try it please. for yourself. the drugs and drinking as well. do not hurt yourself any further. just like everybody else, you deserve to be loved, but you gotta start by loving yourself first.

    are you seeing a pdoc or therapist? are you on meds? have you ever told anyone how you really are?

    i wish you all the best. take care, okay?
    *hugs* xxx
  3. alta

    alta New Member

    i want to as well, today and be gone by tonight, thanks for the help.
  4. Incurious

    Incurious Well-Known Member

    I'm happy that you're away from you parents. It was the first of many difficult steps that you've got ahead of you.

    I don't know how you keep getting back up, but if anyone can go through what you've gone through and come out the other side then it's you.

    You are incredible. My heart goes out to you.

    The only thing that I can suggest is just telling somebody everything. Just try and get it all out there...
  5. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    Lav11, you are not a disgusting person. I have seen you and you are a nice person. You need to get help and because of your circumstances, help would not be deny to you from the Government. Have you try and get help from State Government? Have you tried the suicide hotline in your state?
  6. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    thanks everyone for the kind words,
    Ive been trying really hard to fight these urges, i havent self harmed in the two months ive been there.. Ive wanted to but not this badly.. not this badly in a while.. this whole weeks been extremely difficult, just all the flash backs and nightmares are really getting to me.. im trying to go over everything so i dont blank when i do try and talk to my T about it but its just makeing me feel worse.. and then when i try to not think about it i cant anyways..

    Im seeing a therapist who is a specialist in sexual abuse.. she is absoloutly wanderful and so kind and understanding, i feel stupid for being so weary about opening up more to her because i know full well she will be nice about it but i dont even know, im just worried because im worried i guess??? I have tried a lot of meds and none work, so basiclly we are working on the theory "ïts not because chemically ÿour brain isnt right, you just need to work through the trauma"which is why they say medication/anti depressants wont work on me..

    I've tried kidshelpline and what not, and they are great as well but i just cant have the cops comming to get me and makeing me go back to hospital :(

    I've planned a date this week to attempt... i dont know if i will for sure, i want to hang on but just soo anxious, maybe ill call my counsellor tomorrow and tell her how im feeling but i just am dreading talking to her about this timeline on thursday.. i cant handle just waiting for it and dreading...

    thanks again everyone
  7. Incurious

    Incurious Well-Known Member

    Please tell your therapist everything. It sounds like she wants what's best for you, and you trust her as well.
  8. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    yeah, i have an appointment with her on thurday.. its now sunday and my plan is before the thursday.. I dont want to tell her im really thinking about attempting because i think if she knew then shed say to do this timeline another week which isnt what i want, i feel that if we put it off im even more of a let down because i cant even work on my abuse..

    I just get this horrid feeling im going to end up attempting, and ill end up in hospital yet again and back in last years endless cycle :cry:
  9. Incurious

    Incurious Well-Known Member

    You've done nothing to feel bad about. You need to go at your own pace, no faster.

    If it gets too bad I hope that you do phone her.

    You have to be proud of yourself for getting this far after everything. I'm proud of you.
  10. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    thing is if i go at my own pace ill never do anything.. ive been in counsellor for 2 years now, since i was 15.. and i still cant stand to say a word about anything thats happened.. i want to, i want to blurt everything out at once and not think twice about it but whenever it comes down to it i just get like this, ill end up attempting and then my counsellors say they dont think it appropriate to talk about it while im in 'this headspace'

    but yeah..thanks
  11. Incurious

    Incurious Well-Known Member

    Have you tried writing it all down? Or bits and pieces.

    I still think you can't force it. You'll speak about it when you can. I'm sure that your therapist understands, and she's willing to go as slow as you need to.
  12. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    ive tried starting from the startbut i get muddled up with the dates and most of its a blur unless ive had heaps of flash backs/ nightmares around that exact event which i find really aggravatin as i remember only chunks and not all of it, and it makes it hard to know what event happened first and what happened the next month or so.. i do have on another site a timeline in the making where im trying to write things out in order of what happened, but i dont think its that beneficial cause i worry more about the dates and if they are wrong and if im messing up details and what now
    Ive tried writing in chunks about things that are really bothering me, say if i have a flash back about one thing ill try and write about that until i can cool down...i find this really helpful.. But i find it really hard to give to a person in real life, including my counsellor, i feel stupid writing it and not giving it to someone, and i dont really have one person online who i can trust that much to give my writing to and who would actually care about reading it.. so i dont really write that much just in chunks
  13. Incurious

    Incurious Well-Known Member

    It doesn't have to be perfect, so long as it brings you a bit of inner peace.

    Showing your counsellor your writings will help her help you, but I can really get why you're apprehensive about it.

    I'd give it to your counsellor ahead of giving it to someone online though. She's the one who can help you best.
  14. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    yeah i know, most the time it doesnt though..it just stresses me out more thinking about it... unless im really stressed about one thing in particular but yea...

    I dont think i can give it to my counsellor.. i dont know why.. i just ... i just cant, physically.. i dont think i could bring myself to give it to someone i have to speak face to face....
  15. Incurious

    Incurious Well-Known Member

    I can see how hard it would be to show her your writings. Does she know that you're writing as much as you can remember down?

    If the internet is the only place that you could feel like you could show it to someone then it's a good idea. But again, I'd ask your counsellor if it would be a good idea, because I don't know anything :/

    You are doing so well though. It's all positive, and you're moving forward all the time.
  16. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    nah she doesnt.. i gave her one small page about how the abuse has affected my thought patterns and negative emotions which stated some stuff but yeah that all ive given her and that really freaked me out ALOT for a few weeks, kinda scared someone would be called to lock away my mother or something :I

    but yeah, maybe.. i dont know, just feeling like not speaking to anyone for a little bit about it now

  17. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    If you can give what you have written to the therapist that is great, but the important thing is to get it out. By writing it down you are validating your feelings and allowing your rain to process what has happened. It isn't always important that someone else reads it. I had to write things over and over again. Each time with a little more detail. While the process was painful and I seemed to get worse, it was helpful in the long run. It is the end results we need and sometimes the journey is almost more difficult than the event. Hard to fathom, I know. Keep at it and don't give in to those urges. You are in a safe place now and people are there to help you get beyond this. We are here for the extra support as well. :hug:
  18. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member


    i ended up messaging my T telling her i was thinking about attempting.. she arranged to meet up with me tomorrow at school and said we can concentrate on the flashbacks rather then doing the timeline for now.. dont know how i feel about not doing the timeline, sort of like a failure as expected but its good that i can just work on the flashbacks which have gotten out of control this week.
    I will also be moveing out of the shelter tomorrow afternoon which is a feat in its self.. but the place im going is closer to school and work and everything.. hopefully it will be good and distract me from wanting to attempt...
    any luck it will al work out for the better, so long as nightmares and flashbacks go away all is good i guess :)

    thankls everyone
  19. Incurious

    Incurious Well-Known Member

    I'm happy that you did. Your counsellor sounds like a good 'n. I'm chuffed that you've found someone like her.

    It sounds like the flashbacks have been a big problem to you. It must be almost impossible to think clearly with them running through your head all the time.
  20. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    thanks, and yeah shes brilliant :)

    yeah, they arent usually this big of a problem, like i regularly have them like 1-2 times a day or so on a regular day but this last week im haveing one every hour or so.. just everything triggers me... hopefully they will go away soon.. probably take a few days or so, but if im not doing the timeline then they should calm down a fair bit hopefully. thanks
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