i really do try my best to hang on day by day.. its just that..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Teryan, Jul 14, 2010.

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  1. Teryan

    Teryan Active Member

    I constantly feel lost.. I constantly lose hope whenever I have a glimmer of it. I feel good whenever I help people but I always feel like a hypocrite by doing it. I recently lost a good friend and my family seems to refuse the reality that i am feeling "depressed". I have seek professional help and honestly it didn't help, they wanted to give me some medication but i turned it down nicely due to the reason i want to be happy because i am happy, i don't want medication to be in any part of the reason of my well being. I'm still 18 and this is my last year of high school, i'm doing my part as a good student to concentrate, friend by not burdening them with my "feelings" and son by not making my parents and brother stressed as they are now. I would always find myself driving in the middle of the night to vent out or just take a walk and get lost and back before anyone ever notices i'm gone.

    I wake up tired and miserable, I go through the day with a fake smile and i force myself to concentrate, and unless take a walk or drive, i would sit down on the porch and let myself cry for no reason at all. I've been passively suicidal since 1 or 2 years ago.

    I guess what i wanted to get through was.. i'm really tired of faking my happiness, and i just want to disappear one day when i drive or walk.
    because honestly i feel alone, and exhausted, and I am afraid I may be at the tipping point of where i can hold on to life.
    I haven't posted much in this forum but it is nice to see that strangers can be nice to other people.

    I guess i just need to hear someone, just these simple words so i can have a glimmer of hope, i just want to hear someone (type in this case) "everything will be alright"

    as for why am i feeling like this, i am very private about this and i don't feel comfortable discussing it here YET. so please:i'm sorry:
  2. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    It's ok mate :) Well not really but I hope you get what I mean...

    My sleep patterns are starting to fuck up to so I atleast know what it's like to wake up and feel worse than when you went to bed D:. Truth be told, I didn't think I was lonely. I'm usually alone but not feeling lonely. It has started to hit me and now I seem to randomly start crying when I'm trying to go to sleep. I guess because I'm just lying there in the darkness waiting to go to sleep...thinking about the day....and realising I have no one. I actually like walking around at night and stuff. I find the 'quietness' really relaxing. There's like no cars and no people anywhere. Can just be really peaceful. I like the burning coldness of the air as you suck in a lungful of it :laugh:.

    I spose the next term or 2 could be stressful for you at times considering you're finishing schooling. Of course it depends where you live because schools all over the place have different schedules and stuff they go by. I've always fantasized about going off somewhere and just dump all this crap.

    I hope that you start to feel better soon!! The biggest problem with me is that when I feel fairly good(this can be extremely rare lol), I think "Fuck, something bad is gonna happen and make me feel like shit again....". Someday I need to brake that training of thought. Dunno when that day will be but who knows :tongue:.

    Take care :) :hugtackles:
  3. Teryan

    Teryan Active Member

    I wish i could feel the burning coldness of the air, but sadly i can't since where im living we never get winter here. and yes it is relaxing, i just wish it would last longer.
    make that 4 terms since i am just starting my last year. so its going to be a long 4 terms.. 2 semesters.. 12 months.. 1 year.

    I do hope i get better and i do hope you get better too.. and once again thanks, mac for reading and replying my post, i really do appreciate it.
  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    keep helping them. Give and it shall be given unto you... its by giving that we receive! every action has an opposite and equal reaction.
  5. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    your welcome :)

    well for your sake I hope the year goes nice and quick :tongue:. I've just started my 3rd term and surprisingly this year has gone seemingly quick :blink:. I guess that's the sad thing about depression...before you know it, it's nearly over :(. Do you know what you are doing after school? I don't really know, but my mum is trying to push me towards Uni for a career in Dentistry. I'll probly take a year or 2 break after school though to do something. And atleast try to sort out my mental state. I wouldn't say it'd be the healthiest thing going through Uni always thinking of suicide :S
  6. Teryan

    Teryan Active Member

    I will sudut, thanks for the advice :) .

    Yeah? well I do hope it goes quickly.. but i might regret ill regret about it going quickly at the end of the year haha, but who knows. Dentisty eh? that sounds fun. I might be taking hospitality specializing in culinary in aussie because thats what i love to do and yes i might be taking a break for a year to straight out my mind and stuff as well.. maybe travel if i have the money. So i'm guessing you have big exams coming up next term eh? I hope you get through that in one piece. the thought about my exam coming next april or may i guess makes me a bit scared :|
  7. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I don't fret an awful lot about exams. But it does depress me when I get bad results when I know I can do a shitload better lol. It's mainly oral presentations that scare the living hell out of me :tongue:. Other than that I'm 'ok'. That's the funny thing too, you want it all to be over so quickly...but when you're at the end it's like "Dam...I think i'm gonna miss it..." :eek:hmy:
  8. Teryan

    Teryan Active Member

    i can pretty much get through the oral presentations with ease.. but seriously, its the exams that kills me. :| well yeah i get depressed whenever i score a bad grade when i know i could do better.

    Yeah i got that feeling before the summer holidays started.. i thought i would be glad year 11 is over and that im one year closer from freedom, but in fact.. i was really sad because i would have to move away that was practically my childhood. are you taking the victorian certificate?
  9. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I don't know what the victorian cert is sorry. Maybe it has something to do with the Queensland Certificate of Education?(QCE) It's basicly something saying you passed all your exams in year 12 and got all the points and blah blah you need. But at my school we basicly aim for that. If i can get a C in my subjects I'm fine with that lol. Ive had A's in all my subjects a while back, but those are the old days. Things have happend and changed. Plus most employers ask for one these days which is kinda annoying XD.
  10. Teryan

    Teryan Active Member

    yeah ive heard of that as well.. im basically taking the IB, which is a pain in the ass.. which requires this minimum amount of points to pass and something like that. i used to be an average student.. but ah those were the times where i could go to sleep peacefully. i'm still trying to give it my best though.
  11. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    yea same. But i dont really bother studying. half the time i can barely concentrate in class. thankfully my memory is 'semi-alright' so i can summon up previous lessons and see If i remembered anything XD. Maths is becoming a bitch though...so much crap. and this term I got physics for my science class. we usually do chemistry, biology etc etc each term. like one of them each term. it can get annoying at times. but everyone was like "wahhhh?" with chemistry lol.
  12. Teryan

    Teryan Active Member

    math has been and always will be the biggest fear out of all of my subjects.. i get to choose my subjects but because math and one type of science is compulsory.. so yeah.. i didnt like biology or chemistry.. and physics? what more maths? that would be academically suicidal for me! so i picked environmental class.. which is like... a hippie class but its pretty fun (ok maybe not fun but i can bear with it compared to the other subjects) and art... a subject where its suppose to be relaxing turned out to be the second worst thing (the first being maths)
  13. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Yea, the new art teacher in my school is a bitch :laugh:. I was actually transfered to the "smarter" science class which kinda pissed me off because I also had to change Graphics classes too >:O.

    Maybe ill go for PVM(prevocational maths) next year? Apparently its just a load of easy crap. Like chance and data and.....poker?? I dunno lol. Knowing the teachers, they'll make me do Maths A or B or wat ever. At this point in time I couldnt really be bothered doing an awful lot because as soon as anything get overly stressful or pissing me off I just wanna kill myself. Well makes me wanna kill myself. Not much of a difference from usual but hey XD
  14. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    I'm a math teacher, so feel free to post some math problems and we can try to solve them. :D
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