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I really dont know if I could hold on any longer

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Aidme, Mar 6, 2018.

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  1. Aidme

    Aidme Member

    I am the point in my life, where I feel I cant do it anymore...I just want to be no more. I am so numb, I cant even cry. All is hopeless..I want so bad to end all this, but when I project on how much my family will cry and suffer without me, I just keep postponing everything..I used to make and sell soap(liquid), but now I dont want to go near the chemical shop, as am afraid of what I would do with tjem..now I have no income..employment is hard to come by..doing house chores is becoming harder..I just want to die. Why would depression and anxiety ever exist? I really dont know what I did to deserve all this.
     
  2. Drkwoz

    Drkwoz Member

    I am a father of a son that <mod edit - comitted suicide> about 1 year ago. He left behind a mom dad 2 brothers and 3 sisters. When you said you keep postponing it because of your families pain it hit me pretty hard. I don't function as a father any more. I am a ugly person to my children. I am also numb inside I have no feelings any more. I deal with the pain every day and when I don't think about it then I am ok. The problem is that everyday that I am still here I have this empty heart and there is a huge part missing in my life. There is no recovering from my son's suicide his siblings cry themselves to sleep every night. His younger brother writes sad songs about him. Our family is broken!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 12, 2018
  3. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting so much, @Aidme I'm glad that you've come here to talk things out. I sense that you're not from the US but I'm not getting an idea where you *are* from.
    Do you want to tell us more about why you are feeling so bad lately?
     
  4. Aidme

    Aidme Member

    Oh dear..I am so sorry for your loss. I really do not know what to say.
     
  5. Aidme

    Aidme Member

    I am glad too..I am not in the US..but I felt this was a safe place to come to. Basically, I have been having depression for 10 yrs..2 yrs of those, I was just in bed..having nk will or strength to live..now is when am feeling the effects of the time lost..am way behind my peers, everyone is getting married, having children and am here yet to secure a job.. some days like today, I just feel like staying bed..I am relapsing basically.
     
  6. Aidme

    Aidme Member

    I am so sorry. I cannot even begin to understand how you feel.. I am sorry for making you feel such pain.
     
  7. Drkwoz

    Drkwoz Member

    No...No. it is ok the pain never goes away. That is what I am trying to let you know. Your family and friends that you never thought even cared about you will be crushed. It wasn't until my son's funeral where he finally could see how many people actually loved him. I never had a clue he was even depressed. I just know every problem has a solution with people around that would love to help. But no one can help if you never talk about it. People need to know what your thinking you will be surprised how many people will bend over backwards to help. We all need each other.
     
    Aidme likes this.
  8. Aidme

    Aidme Member

    We all need each other..very very true.. I try to talk it out..but at the moment, my friend is also going through so much..I have kept away, so as not to burden her with more.. I wanna find a solution..
     
  9. Drkwoz

    Drkwoz Member

    There is always a solution. Most are already happening without you even knowing they are. I have been down to my last dollar a lot in my life. I am still here surviving. God always provides wether it be money or a friend that leads you to money. Keep your heart open and a smile on your face and I promise you things will get better.
     
  10. j2415

    j2415 Well-Known Member

    @Aidme
    Hi- I'm so sorry that you are hurting.
    Please don't harm yourself. Try to join a support group, this a group of people who have the same experience, where you can share your feeling without being judged. It's a big help for my friend's recovery from depression, she feels less lonely now. She used to be hopeless and crying most of the time but now she's is getting better.

    I pray that in your difficult moments, you will learn not to give up and you will realize that you have a purpose. Your loved ones need you so please take care of yourself. Try to listen to inspirational messages or read articles that will help you to be uplifted, it works for me to feel better whenever I am sad, I hope it will work for you too. Update us and thank you for sharing, we are here for you.
     
  11. j2415

    j2415 Well-Known Member

    @Drkwoz
    I'm so sorry to hear this. You are a brave person. Dealing the pain every day of losing your son is truly overwhelming.
    I pray that you will overcome this feeling of loneliness and the pain will go away. I pray for peace and comfort as you grieve for your son and things will be alright in your family.
    Thank you for sharing.
     
    Aidme likes this.
  12. Aidme

    Aidme Member

    Thank you so much. Today, I am going to see a Doctor..and I will open up aboit everything..once I was in a group, support group..and I felt less lonely as you say..it is a journey..and I can only hope it gets better...hope it easens up for you too.
     
  13. Aidme

    Aidme Member

    Thank you for that. I will let you all know how it goes with the doctor.
     
  14. Aidme

    Aidme Member

    Today, I faced one of my latest fear...getting out of the house and doing an errand..mostly coz in my mind I thought something bad was going to happen to me..well am back home, and am glad I got out.
     
  15. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    That's great. I'm glad you made it out of the house and back home and are happier for doing it.
    How was your appointment?
     
  16. Aidme

    Aidme Member

    It was a brief session..but the doctor prescribed some medicine that is to stabilise my mind..for the next 30 days..also, I have a support group meeting next week Thursday.
     
  17. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Good to hear. At least you're moving forward. Any step ahead is a step. Good job.
     
  18. Aidme

    Aidme Member

     
  19. Aidme

    Aidme Member

    can this be enough? Like I say, today, I got out n came back home..is this enough..can I then rest and say, that today I achieved something?
     
  20. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    YES. Some days all you did was breathe and that was enough. Some days you showered and that was enough. Another day all you did was buy milk and that was enough. No one else gets to decide what is "enough" so if getting to your appointment and back was taxing and you're drained from it then, HECK YES, that's enough. Take the rest of the day off. Judgement handed down -- free day today.
     
    Aidme likes this.
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