I Really Don't Know What This Title Should Be II: Electric Boogaloo

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Let me begin by saying this;
For whatever fucked up reason, my mind just cannot accept that being a virgin at 20 years old is normal.
Now, typically I hide my loneliness, depression, poverty, social anxiety, concern about my lack of sexual activity (I even lie to my doctor), the list goes on; behind the guise of a man who is too wrapped up in work to care about trying to find love. I've managed to find 3 jobs I could work at the same time to keep up this lie. I don't ever have any money because;

1. I support my mentally ill mother while she's applying for disability
2. I use drugs, specifically opiates, hallucinogens, amphetamines, and weed (duh) to just barely maintain some semblance of a stable mental state (there are plenty of cracks where the real me shows)​

I've had 2, yes TWO girlfriends, both of which I dated in high school and neither lasted very long (one lasted less than a week). Besides them, women seem to despise me, as if I were responsible for some horrible event in their lives. At first I didn't care but by the time college came around my brain had just started crumbling into chaos. I maintained good grades, but it didn't matter to me, because I was the hated one.

When college came around I chose to go to a school pretty far from where I lived. I thought things would be different, that I could be just normal, that I could finally prove to just one woman that I was worth being loved.

I'll be god-damned if college didn't end up being high school all over again. Same worthless fucking classes teaching me everything but what was relevant to my career choice. The exact same treatment from any and all women and some men, hatred, forced isolation, I felt like I was being tortured just for being born.

Anyway, back to today,

Today I made the dumbest, most naive decision. I thought to myself "Hey! Let's watch some of those videos from school of life and similar channels! Maybe that will make me feel better!" No. No it didn't.

To all my fellow impoverished friends, you know that feeling you get when someone whose parents were rich as fuck and by relation they're rich as fuck, and of course they think they know everything about becoming successful but all that comes out of their mouths is projectile diarrhea? That's how it felt for me. At first I was angry at them. How could they give such ridiculous false hope to those cursed with eternal loneliness?
Then, I became angry with myself. How could I be so worthless. Or maybe I've committed some egregious act that cannot be forgiven and that is universally known. The only way I feel like I can be useful in the world is in being an organ donor. I feel like my lifeless organs would serve so much of a better purpose in anyone but me.

You are not worthless! Part of the journey may be in figuring out how you can best be of value to others if that may help you.

Being impoverished now does not mean you are cursed to be so forever. You can research many stories of real life persons who were poor, even homeless and then their lives turned around completely, some even to millionaire status.

20 is truly too young to think of eternal "anything". Who you are now and what you are experiencing, may be but a mere blip in your entire life.

Things can get better.

College is not a bed of roses for many but there really is so much positive to life available even after.

You are good for taking care of your ill mom. Please keep holding on for better times, and keep trying to do what you can till then.


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You are so young and have a whole lot of good things ahead of you. Right now it may not feel that way but don't give up because things are always changing. What a wonderful son to take care of your mother and to work so hard in order to do it. This alone proves you are not worthless. Please sit down and make a list of your skills and accomplishments. Then hang them somewhere you will see them. Someone I once met told me when she became depressed and suicidal she would make a list of things she would like to do in the future. This she told me was a way to remind herself that she had goals to hang around for. I would strongly suggest that you seek professional help for the drug use. There is no doubt in my mind that beneath the anger, pain and loneliness is a wonderful person. I will be praying for you.


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Hey there man
You know, both people above me cited your age as a reason for not fucking off your life and I feel bad doing the same but... yeah, you're freaking way too young to be casting your life aside because of this shit.
If you knew how many people roll through here with a lack of relationships as their primary issue you would be completely shocked. (Or maybe it's something you've noticed already) Being 20 years old and not having experience with women isn't exactly landing you in the geriatric range.
You are doing a great thing by taking care of your mom right now. What would she do without you around, man? I sense that she'd be screwed. I realize that's a lot of pressure for someone as young as you but you sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders, are mature and make good decisions. I hope you continue to do so.
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