Let me begin by saying this;
1. I support my mentally ill mother while she's applying for disability
2. I use drugs, specifically opiates, hallucinogens, amphetamines, and weed (duh) to just barely maintain some semblance of a stable mental state (there are plenty of cracks where the real me shows)
I've had 2, yes TWO girlfriends, both of which I dated in high school and neither lasted very long (one lasted less than a week). Besides them, women seem to despise me, as if I were responsible for some horrible event in their lives. At first I didn't care but by the time college came around my brain had just started crumbling into chaos. I maintained good grades, but it didn't matter to me, because I was the hated one.
When college came around I chose to go to a school pretty far from where I lived. I thought things would be different, that I could be just normal, that I could finally prove to just one woman that I was worth being loved.
I'll be god-damned if college didn't end up being high school all over again. Same worthless fucking classes teaching me everything but what was relevant to my career choice. The exact same treatment from any and all women and some men, hatred, forced isolation, I felt like I was being tortured just for being born.
Anyway, back to today,
Today I made the dumbest, most naive decision. I thought to myself "Hey! Let's watch some of those videos from school of life and similar channels! Maybe that will make me feel better!" No. No it didn't.
To all my fellow impoverished friends, you know that feeling you get when someone whose parents were rich as fuck and by relation they're rich as fuck, and of course they think they know everything about becoming successful but all that comes out of their mouths is projectile diarrhea? That's how it felt for me. At first I was angry at them. How could they give such ridiculous false hope to those cursed with eternal loneliness?
Then, I became angry with myself. How could I be so worthless. Or maybe I've committed some egregious act that cannot be forgiven and that is universally known. The only way I feel like I can be useful in the world is in being an organ donor. I feel like my lifeless organs would serve so much of a better purpose in anyone but me.
For whatever fucked up reason, my mind just cannot accept that being a virgin at 20 years old is normal.
Now, typically I hide my loneliness, depression, poverty, social anxiety, concern about my lack of sexual activity (I even lie to my doctor), the list goes on; behind the guise of a man who is too wrapped up in work to care about trying to find love. I've managed to find 3 jobs I could work at the same time to keep up this lie. I don't ever have any money because;
1. I support my mentally ill mother while she's applying for disability
2. I use drugs, specifically opiates, hallucinogens, amphetamines, and weed (duh) to just barely maintain some semblance of a stable mental state (there are plenty of cracks where the real me shows)
I've had 2, yes TWO girlfriends, both of which I dated in high school and neither lasted very long (one lasted less than a week). Besides them, women seem to despise me, as if I were responsible for some horrible event in their lives. At first I didn't care but by the time college came around my brain had just started crumbling into chaos. I maintained good grades, but it didn't matter to me, because I was the hated one.
When college came around I chose to go to a school pretty far from where I lived. I thought things would be different, that I could be just normal, that I could finally prove to just one woman that I was worth being loved.
I'll be god-damned if college didn't end up being high school all over again. Same worthless fucking classes teaching me everything but what was relevant to my career choice. The exact same treatment from any and all women and some men, hatred, forced isolation, I felt like I was being tortured just for being born.
Anyway, back to today,
Today I made the dumbest, most naive decision. I thought to myself "Hey! Let's watch some of those videos from school of life and similar channels! Maybe that will make me feel better!" No. No it didn't.
To all my fellow impoverished friends, you know that feeling you get when someone whose parents were rich as fuck and by relation they're rich as fuck, and of course they think they know everything about becoming successful but all that comes out of their mouths is projectile diarrhea? That's how it felt for me. At first I was angry at them. How could they give such ridiculous false hope to those cursed with eternal loneliness?
Then, I became angry with myself. How could I be so worthless. Or maybe I've committed some egregious act that cannot be forgiven and that is universally known. The only way I feel like I can be useful in the world is in being an organ donor. I feel like my lifeless organs would serve so much of a better purpose in anyone but me.
