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I really don't know

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Hey guys,

Sorry, this is probably my first time writing on a forum so I'm not sure, but I'm going to try... and see how it goes.

Again sorry if my post annoys or bother you.

So, here goes nothing

My depression started when I was in high school. Basically going through a rebellious stage and also when I realized that my parents aren't going to protect me forever and the outside world is brutal. Moreover, there was academic pressure. Always feeling inferior to others and my parents would always do the silent treatment for me being dumb.

*Basically they will ignore my existence if my grades were bad. Well, I guess they were embarrassed that I was their son

So, I began to hate myself and my parents especially my dad. My hatred towards my parents grew to a point that I wanted to kill them. Few times I had arguments with my dad, because his idea of my future plans was vastly different from mine. So we yelled at each other. Few weeks later, my dad spit out blood. You see, he had liver problems, and I knew that but still I had arguments with him. He lived, but every freaking second of my life, I feel guilty. I feel its my fault.

In the end, he decided the college that I should go to, and I obeyed. I really can't say anything to his decisions.

Right now I'm studying computer science. lol...and this makes my life even worst..... I always wanted to be a business major -.-... haha Its like something completely different from my interest... Well, I'm doing ok but then I have to cheat. I don't cheat completely, (I'm not dumb enough to just copy people's stuff) but I do feel dependent. I feel I can't do stuff without people's help on it. And of course I feel dumb again. (I didn't really grow up in a tech savy environment at all -.- my parents would never buy a computer)

So, here I am, just hating myself because I can't hate anyone. I feel suiciding is a possible option, but I'm to scared. Yes, I am scared of death, and I feel I will destroy my families life if I suicide. They'll probably think its their fault that I died. So, everyday I just pray to god to just kill me. And I will willingly follow.

lol and it really hurts because I haven't talked to anyone about this. Probably one person, but very vaguely. I usually smile a lot and laugh a lot. Trying to poke fun out of anything. But, I guess those behaviors are just to hide myself. I also probably have no such thing as "real" friends. I move around every 3 years, so I don't feel I can let anyone know about my life.

So, for those who have read this thanks! Sorry it was so long.
welcome to the forum :) its nice to meet you :shake:

of course your post doesn't bother or annoy :) we're here to talk :hug:

im sorry you feel so bad and that things have gone so wrong for you :( i think lots of people argue with parentsand there is no way that you would be responible for your fathers liver disease. please don't feel responsible for that. also it normally takes 2 for an argument, and you have every single right in the world to want things for your life - you don't HAVE to want what your father wants for your future. you are two different people and as such will, even if you are father and son, have different interests, ideals and needs from life. you are as entitled to these as your father is to his own.

are you at a point in your course whereby in an ideal world with your family, you would still be able to change to something that you actually wanted to do? it must be very difficult for you to be studying a subject that you don't intuitively "get" or really have an interest in. somehow there must be a way around that :unsure: ...

i am glad you are too scared to suicide. it won't solve problems or even give you 'relief' as you can't feel that if you are dead necessarily.... wouldn't it be more appealing to somehow over time sort out the problems and issues and live the life that you want and currently dream of? you can't necessarily sort every little thing out at once.... but a little bit at a time can lead to a lot over time

please keep posting and i hope we can help you
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