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I really don't see a future for myself anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kugatsu, May 27, 2010.

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  1. Kugatsu

    Kugatsu Active Member

    In 2006, I burned out of C.W Post, a really expensive private school and I had to drop out. Because of that and the extended amount of time I've been out of school, I owe them a massive amount of money which is preventing me from going to any other schools.

    I also owe money to Nassau Community College, the school I went to before C.W Post. I was there for only a year so I failed to get any kind of degree and because of going to C.W Post while I was in the middle of NCC, financial aid to that school was halted and now I have to pay them out of pocket. For the past 2 years, I have been working to pay off the debt at C.W Post, but the debt at NCC was newly found and when I made a check at the amount of money I still owe C.W Post and my other loans, I had barely made a dent.

    These 2 facts mean that applying to any other school means that stops are put on my application and I can't get my transcript out of C.W. I can't go any farther than this now.

    Right now, I'm working at the only job I can manage to get with just a high school degree, retail and every day is another soul crushing admittance of enduring failure. There is no such thing as advancement here. We have been passed over for raises twice and even though we constantly show the highest numbers in our district, we constantly given the lowest ratings from visiting managers. We break our backs to appease them, and they refuse to see the hard work. There are no higher positions to hope for and if a higher position is reached, you are far more likely to be fired.

    Let's also not forget to mention that I haven't had a girlfriend since I was 14 and I'm 23 now. The last girl that I thought that I could have had a shot with just admitted to me that she already has a boyfriend too.

    I would like to also make note that the people that I have always called my friends have unanimously given up on me. After mistakes were made, I was unanimously alienated for 3 months from everyone. No one would talk to me when I called, no one would invite me anywhere, and they lorded over their good times without me with photos from facebook. And even though I said my apologies, after over a year, I still hear no calls, I see no one. I go months without hearing from anyone and the most that I hear are invitations to parties that I am not actually invited to. Because of them, I'm afraid to even try and call anyone because I started being ignored by people when I was calling them to ask what was happening with us. Anyone else that I could possibly call a friend all live in other states and with them, if your out of sight, your out of mind.

    So lets sum this all up. I have no friends, I have a job that sucks my soul and will go nowhere with, I can't go to school because of money issues and because of this, I can't hope to get another job which means I cannot make more money which means I cannot pay more for school which means I can't go back ( you get the endless cycle of this), I haven't been in a relationship since my early teen years when everyone else I know and meet are in one, and I know that with all of these things throwing me off in life and with my own feelings of hoplessness, low sense of self confidence, and 0 self image, I have no real chance of getting a girl, I have no future. I have nothing to look forward to, I have nothing to achieve, I have no one to be with, I have nothing.

    I don't even know if I'm really depressed cause I just don't feel anything about this right now. I just can't see a future. I used to be able to see myself in school, with a better job, with friends, but in 2 weeks, all of that was quashed. I don't see myself having a life. I need help because I can't see anything. Before I wanted to die because I was constantly under assault mentally and emotionally by my own family with no friend to go to and I wanted the pain to go away, now I just want to die because I don't think there's a point to my existence.

    I have nothing.
  2. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    :i'm sorry:

    I feel for you. Having "friends" talk about great times you were not invited to is incredibly depressing.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 28, 2010
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    time to move maybe get out of where you are start at a different location make new friends that don't give up on you so easily
  4. Kugatsu

    Kugatsu Active Member

    I would love to move, but with the payments I have to make to the schools and the low pay I get from my job, I won't be able to afford to move away anywhere any time soon either. Saving is a near impossibility, and then when you factor in the cost of living (rent, utitlities, food), even if I live like a hermit with no phone, tv, cable, internet, computer, any extravagance like games or social life, I would still not be able to afford it.
  5. DeAdwOrLD

    DeAdwOrLD Well-Known Member

    Do a balance sheet of your life. Forget the superficial stuff like friends or a gf. That can worry about itself later, and besides friends and chicks come and go. It's no biggie. Don't be a worry wart over things like that. With time you'll find your niche in life.

    What you need to concentrate on is those debts and the bloodsuckers you owe. Break down what you owe and to which parasite A, B, C et al. Then assure these people you are paying as much as you can afford. Be realistic. You have to live too, right? It's a global recession. Few people are minted nowadays. Student debt is notorious, which is why they should give you a break. We're the nation's future after all. They made us go to school. Keep your job at the daily grind. Bite your lip even when you wanna quit. Talk and communicate with the people you owe. Treat yourself with dignity and stay cool; their paper and reputation and shareholders can take a jump - not you.

    Debt and a bullshit existence are not reason enough to walk away. Always remember : Don't Let The Bastards Grind You Down. Your life is more vaulable
    than the money these toads live for. Don't go postal either. For everyone of the bloaters you take with you, their is ten waiting to replace them.
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